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25 May 2003 @ 03:33 pm
relativity and rage  
This morning I dreamed for what felt like half an hour that I was in a supermarket: I'd paid for some barbecued potato chips, I went down to the parking garage to wait for them, and no one brought them. And I was in a RAGE. A savage, throat-ripping rage in which I cursed out the supermarket employees and could find no peace.

If you accept the relativity of things, and I usually do, then none of us is truly above the fray: one person's friend is another person's enemy; one person's hero is another person's villain; one person's cunty nemesis is another person's cool frood. Etc.

Which kind of sucks, because you can never really take the comfort of the moral high ground.

I suppose there are people of sterling character out there, people with an iron will who've nailed moral and ethical consistency. Except consistency becomes unattractive, so you need to have a dram of flexibility and grace as well. Maybe some rationality, selflessness. And then what are you? A saint, and annoying as fuck.

Which is all just a roundabout way of saying that this is one of those days when I hate myself. And other people. I'd like to be able to kill people I hate--I don't mean metaphorically--without a jot of empathy, and with the reassuring certainty that they're my prey. This must be why I admire vampires, right?

I have been reading Drinking: A Love Story and thinking about rage, but it doesn't help me with my own rage, which is huge and irrational.

I have been trying to cheer myself up with rabbits and cats, but it's not working so well.

I did have pancakes today, and that was pretty good.

I watched QAF with S. last night, and that was good.

But nothing makes me feel better on the deepest, most fucked level of selfhood.

I'm willing to give it another try if someone recs a good S/X story, though. Surely this lameass, cocksucking universe contains *one* more good S/X story I haven't read?


 
 
 
ivyincubus on May 25th, 2003 04:30 pm (UTC)
Perhaps One Hand Clapping or Knock on Wood, both by Maude? Though I've no way to know if you've already read them, they are both worth rereading...
Anna S.eliade on May 25th, 2003 05:21 pm (UTC)
Hmm, yes. I have read them, but rereading sounds like a good idea. I like her stories quite a lot. I am fond of shmoop, fizzy and flavored and fine. Thank you. :)
Estepheiaestepheia on May 25th, 2003 04:34 pm (UTC)
New S/X? I'm always on the lookout, too, but I haven't read any recently.
I'm not sure if you read my last Pandoraverse snippet, so I'm shamelessly giving you the link. If you are even more desperate, I can send you a scene from the next Pandoraverse story - no smut, just characterisation/dialogue. It's not ready to be posted but I'd be willing to email it to you, since you seem to be so needy (which pushes my buttons).

I read your meme regarding things that should have happened on the show and totally agree about the sad lack of a proper buddy episode. Read Mahaliem's Rising from our dust, that has plenty of budding buddy vibe.
Anna S.eliade on May 25th, 2003 04:46 pm (UTC)
I'm not sure if you read my last Pandoraverse snippet, so I'm shamelessly giving you the link.

Huh--I thought I'd read them all, but I missed that somehow. Thank you! That was lovely.

Read Mahaliem's Rising from our dust, that has plenty of budding buddy vibe.

I think I started to read that once. Am re-reading it now. Looks like someone must have had script spoilers--cell phone for Dawn? Hmm.
Brassy Hag: ficmiggy on May 25th, 2003 04:41 pm (UTC)
*stepping out of lurkdom, as I've felt entirely overwhelmed by your writing*

I did a shameless little PWP for Herself's birthday. You can check it out here.

Ah, self-promotion.
Anna S.eliade on May 25th, 2003 05:09 pm (UTC)
Oh, wow. That was amazzzzzing. Yes, I needed to read that. Thank you so much. :) I also browsed your LJ and cracked up at this, and at your Brando-esque doves. Heh.
witlingwitling on May 25th, 2003 04:50 pm (UTC)
God, the internet is strange. A friend sent me the cat tailor page on Friday, and we were all laughing at it in my office. "Young lady blouse" is my particular favourite. Well, that and "I am a frog."

Knapp has a new book out, btw. It's called Appetites: Why Women Want, and deals with her anorexia and various related issues. (Alcoholism proceeding from that, later in her life.) Laura Miller gave it a thoughtful review on Salon last week. But you probably know this, since you already knew about the cat tailor page and therefore know all things.

The universe is indeed lame and cocksucking. I've been watching a PBS documentary on race all day, and yeah, it's a fucking evil world we live in. And we're all polluted by it.

I'll S/X you up if it'll help, though.
Anna S.eliade on May 25th, 2003 05:19 pm (UTC)
God, the internet is strange. A friend sent me the cat tailor page on Friday, and we were all laughing at it in my office. "Young lady blouse" is my particular favourite. Well, that and "I am a frog."

I saved just about all the pictures on my drive. I think I'm going to rotate them as my desktop wallpaper.

Knapp has a new book out, btw. It's called Appetites: Why Women Want, and deals with her anorexia and various related issues. (Alcoholism proceeding from that, later in her life.) Laura Miller gave it a thoughtful review on Salon last week. But you probably know this, since you already knew about the cat tailor page and therefore know all things.

You are kind and funny. :) I didn't know--I will put that on my booklist. It's funny. I've found Knapp's first book to be hugely relevant and fascinating and I've dogeared at least 100 pages, but this morning for the first time it struck me as strangely...depressive. I think it may just have been my mood. Her excercise of analytical detachment has yielded insights and beautiful writing. It's just that when you look below all the *obvious* personal revelations to the *subtextual* revelations, there's not a lot of joy there, even now that she's sober. She's got a different tone than, say, Anne Lamott.

Still, I'm not done reading yet. About 4/5 through it.

The universe is indeed lame and cocksucking.

Cocksucking in a bad way, as opposed to the good way. But I think we understand each other.

::taps side of nose, winks::

I'll S/X you up if it'll help, though.

Yes, please...?
witlingwitling on May 25th, 2003 05:24 pm (UTC)
Re:
even now that she's sober.

Was sober. She died last year, I think, of complications from lung cancer. At something like 42.

Just to cheer your day further.

I'll see what I can make the boys get up to.
Jack Pridejack_pride on May 25th, 2003 09:59 pm (UTC)
God, the internet is strange.

My reaction was actually: Welcome to Japan. That's the kind of Engrish most things are written in.

(Cat outfits must be intended for city-folk, though, because in the country none of the cats ever live indoors, and it's only the dogs that are continuously dressed up.)
spankys on May 25th, 2003 05:31 pm (UTC)
She also wrote something about her and her dogs. How they helped her emotionally. I read Drinking: a love story, as a readers copy. I was very sad when she died.

Marie
Anna S.eliade on May 25th, 2003 06:10 pm (UTC)
Jeez, I can't believe she's dead. That's a new and sudden downer. :(
JaneDavittjanedavitt on May 25th, 2003 06:51 pm (UTC)
"I'm willing to give it another try if someone recs a good S/X story, though. Surely this lameass, cocksucking universe contains *one* more good S/X story I haven't read?"

I'll leap onto the pimping wagon and cling on for dear life; I did a longish one recently called Predatory Acts which is on my page
http://members.rogers.com/jdavitt01/Predatory.html
and a teeny fic for herself's birthday which is on my LJ.Don't know if you've read them or not.

And now I feel all hot and embarrassed. Self promotion is the pits.
JaneDavittjanedavitt on May 25th, 2003 06:54 pm (UTC)
And after all that I got the link wrong ::sigh::

http://members.rogers.com/jdavitt01/Predatory1.html
lovessong: another kindlovessong on May 25th, 2003 08:33 pm (UTC)
Oh dear *god*. I know that self-promotional rec wasn't for my benefit, but I appreciate it nonetheless. Great story. Fit my mood tonight beautifully (which I suppose says not-so-great things about my mood). (And I found the story despite the off link.)
JaneDavittjanedavitt on May 26th, 2003 04:53 am (UTC)
Sometimes angst cheers me up; I think well, sure I'm down but at least I haven't had my soul ripped away and slaughtered thousands ::g::

I'm glad you enjoyed the fic and I hope your mood is happy now.
my2cents4sure on May 25th, 2003 09:57 pm (UTC)
Cat website - holy shit, LMAO. I wonder if the translator is related to someone who used to work for Toaplan.