Anna S. (eliade) wrote,
Anna S.
eliade

la la la...

The hours left until I have to return to a 40-hour work week are dwindling rapidly and I can't bear to face it. Must drink heavily.

I've decided that if Spike were female, he'd look somewhat like Milla Jovovich--or at least Milla from a certain angle captured in a handful of pictures. I'm a strange girl, I know. Strange and mockable. I downloaded about a dozen images I consider to be the best evidence of my freakish delusion contention. Fodder for a fantasy that I will not tell y'all about. No. Nope. No way, baby.

Though it did have sexy dancing.

Also? I like Angel, the series. I still like it. I'm not retracting anything. My liking's been there, taking a rest in the shade. I see-saw on every subject under the sun, sometimes from minute to minute, sentence to sentence. Not all that long ago I was saying how the show is on a hot streak lately. But my lazy mind needs crutches to help it think, so I set up dichotomies and comparisons, anything to help structure my thoughts for five minutes at a time. I'm no essayist. Coherency would take too long for the throwaway posts I write. And I'm just an ambivalent or maybe panvalent person--about the war, about anything I read in the news, about every other issue you can name. And I've decided that this is my theme song.

I think the end of BtVS and the possible end of Angel are cranking people up, triggering anxious behavior--even if that doesn't seem to be the surface cause. It's not surprising. And the tides work on me as much as anyone. I am easily swayed to moodiness. And maybe it's a kind of prickly resiliency, that when things are tossed out, I bounce them back almost by pure reflex--fannish energies and whatnot. The rant of a distant butterfly causes a hurricane somewhere else, etc. I wish I could stop getting cranked, though. It doesn't take much. I really am a temperamental bitch. It's hard, too, when the only stuff you talk about with some people is fandom stuff, and there's no other social context to reestablish safer, more common, and happier ground. That bums me.

I bum me. The things I get upset about are small and ridiculous and I should pull back now and then, but it's hard. elynross was saying recently that time spent offline helped give her some perspective. That strikes me as kind of like getting a chiropractic adjustment--emotionally, spiritually, mentally.

This is oddly vague. Impersonally personal. As usual.

I feel lonely, and do not like myself much lately. Just noting that for the record. I may like myself more later. Is it divalike to leave comments on for a post like this? I don't know. I'm depressed. Is it wrong to want some cheering up? Maybe I could just ask for recs again. I want something happy.

I will now try to write.


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