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16 April 2011 @ 03:36 pm
I talked to my brother for the first time today in about 15 years; his voice sounds almost exactly the same as I remember. I talked to his wife, too. It was a technologically challenged call, cell phone to cell phone with fritzy patches. Tomorrow we're planning to touch base on land lines.

This news article is about my mother's death. Details are sparse. I hope to know more when I can talk properly to my brother tomorrow.

I keep having breakdowns with no warning, wild gaspy tears, pain and rage and screams trying to claw out of my chest. The shelter isn't the best place to have episodes; public isn't either. So I keep taking Ativan to suppress the rawest waves of emotion. At least tomorrow morning my case manager at the shelter will be on shift; maybe I can talk to him.

Gulls today ate from my hands.

Edited to add: The dog mentioned in the article, Daisy, is doing okay. My brother's family took her in.
JaneDavitt: bluebells by mejanedavitt on April 16th, 2011 10:45 pm (UTC)
I'm also shocked by the fact that this is one of several similar incidents in a very short space of time and a small area; what the heck is going on? It just seems unbelievable that these men would do this.

I'm so glad you got to touch base with your brother at least.

Even now, six months after Dad died, I can find myself in tears, helplessly swept away by grief and I'm not a person who cries easily or often. It's such a violent sundering of a tie to lose a parent or a child.

Rebcake: ats_darlarebcake on April 16th, 2011 10:54 pm (UTC)
When my sister died suddenly (a tragic accident, not murder) I had an overwhelming impulse to shave my legs, right then. My hands were shaking so much that I, of course, cut myself quite a lot. I have no history of cutting or other self harm, but jeez, all those awful feelings will come out somehow. How could you not have emotional episodes (breakdowns, as you call them) at a time like this? I only wish you were in a better place to express what must be expressed, rage not least. Be safe.
flaming museflaming_muse on April 16th, 2011 11:05 pm (UTC)
I am so sorry. Of course this is impossibly hard for you, no matter your relationship with your family, and I am sorry you do not have the proper space and privacy to grieve.
Hepcat: xander willow hand schala4nwhepcat on April 16th, 2011 11:16 pm (UTC)
I missed the last few posts until now. I'm sorry to hear such terrible news. I hope you can talk to your case manager, perhaps he can get you some support systems going to help you through the emotional ups and downs. Grief on its own is hard enough to navigate for anyone, but shock and rage on top of it are heavy burdens. (Does he or the shelter have an emergency number? It seems this would qualify as a sooner-rather-than-later event.)

You are in so many people's thoughts. I hope you find a good safe place to feel what you need to feel, and find people who can help you.

I hope your conversation with your brother goes well tomorrow.
kassrachel on April 16th, 2011 11:39 pm (UTC)
Breakdowns with no warning make sense to me. How else could one respond?

I hope the case manager is there; I hope he is helpful.

I am thinking of you with love from afar, as always.
ruthless1ruthless1 on April 17th, 2011 12:14 am (UTC)
Just caught up on this. I am so sorry to hear about this.

I am sending you a big space to shout/scream/cry/wail and be safe in.

If you close your eyes, take two steps back, turn around, open the door you see there. Flip on the light switch and walk down the stairs - at the bottom you will find a big room with a comfy chair, reading lamp and side table. Come in, bring a book and some snacks if you want. The door at the top of the stairs closes and is sound proof - you can be as loud as you want. There's even a box of tissues. When you leave - just make sure you switch off the light at the top of the stairs and close the door behind you. The room is ready whenever you need it. And feel free to leave anything you want down there - a fluffy pillow, a super sad feeling. Anything your heart wants to tuck away for later can be left down there til you are ready to deal with it.
My heart sends your heart some big heart felt hugs.
tabaquitabaqui on April 17th, 2011 12:30 am (UTC)
I'm glad you talked - I hope something useful to you comes from it all. And I wish you had somewhere to vent - emotion is emotion is emotion, but it works better if you can let it do what it pleases. Perhaps screaming into pillows or throwing rocks into the waves. Sometimes the physical is a good way to exorcise the emotional. I totally get, though, that you don't want to do that at the shelter.

*hugs always on offer*
Sanjsanj on April 17th, 2011 01:13 am (UTC)
I can't even imagine what you must be going through. I'm hoping the universe, or specifically your case manager, can do something to make your grief more endurable.
Sarapanisdead on April 17th, 2011 01:15 am (UTC)
I'm SO sorry to hear about this.
MELODY GLOUCESTER PEGASUSjolielaide on April 17th, 2011 01:23 am (UTC)
I hope your case manager is some help to you tomorrow. If not, these folks The Healing Center have a crisis line and also a physical facility where you might be able to go and talk to someone. Their services are free or sliding scale, and no one is turned away due to an inability to pay.
Moral Whiplashbkwyrm on April 17th, 2011 01:35 am (UTC)
It seems to inadequate to say "Oh my god, I"m so sorry," but that's all I can add. I'm so sorry. I'm so, so sorry.
Honoriahonoria on April 17th, 2011 03:32 am (UTC)
I can only say that I am thinking of you.
I'm one of many. We all caare about you and we are listening.
Tuesday Has No Phonesthebratqueen on April 17th, 2011 03:48 am (UTC)
Oh sweetie, I am so sorry for your loss. *HUGS*
eac: sublimeeac on April 17th, 2011 04:04 am (UTC)
Oh, no. I'm so incredibly sorry about your mother's death.
Minim Calibreminim_calibre on April 17th, 2011 07:53 am (UTC)
Oh, hon, love and strength to you.
ngaio on April 17th, 2011 07:54 am (UTC)
Bereavement is like that. I found/find myself with a constant low level of grief and then sudden and often unprovoked *overwhelming* grief where it is *everything* and *emotion* and ...

Lumenara Dhahm: fandom eats your facelumenara on April 17th, 2011 01:42 pm (UTC)
Just want you to know I'm out here, too, and listening. Take care of yourself as best you can, and know that we're all here for you.
in search of a clever byline10zlaine on April 17th, 2011 02:50 pm (UTC)
Sylvikefishsanwitt on April 17th, 2011 04:38 pm (UTC)
I hope your case manager is able to help you find space and privacy.

My deepest condolences.
Ditto: SHAKATANYPEACEstretfordditto on April 17th, 2011 08:43 pm (UTC)
Ativan is worse than useless and should be banned imho...Valium might be better...
Shapinglightshapinglight on April 18th, 2011 05:18 pm (UTC)