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15 April 2011 @ 04:16 pm
It only occurred to me later that, given my recent trend of posts, my last one might read like a fragment of craziness from a fracturing brain. But it's not. It really happened. I don't have any details yet. I gave my brother my phone number to call me; I suspect he's been at the funeral this afternoon. His wife said it was planned for today.

I haven't talked to my brother in fifteen years. It was the same with my mom. With my brother though, it had nothing to do with him, just with my defects of character.

I called my doctor--who is actually a nurse, but no less capable for that, and she set me up with a one-off scrip for Ativan. I went and filled it and took two, so while the tone of the last post reflected shock, the tone of this one probably reflects that I'm a sedated robot. I couldn't stop crying and raging. The professional social worker types I reached out to were not so much good at the helping thing and I realized I was just going to be flinging all my rage at them and also the shelter furniture. So the Ativan.

Social worker A wanted me to talk to him and "process" the news. I managed to not explain that his face is apparently incapable of emotional expression and his voice of any emotional inflection. Social worker B told me that since I "no choice" but to stay in the shelter for the moment, I should distract myself.

The idea of drinking crossed my mind but I pushed it out. I just watched two women, who are supposed to be sober as a condition of returning to a recovery housing program, get wasted on booze and crack. Their example is still resonating as a disincentive.

I'll be going back to the shelter shortly. I tried to think of other options, including getting in my car and driving to Virginia to see my brother, but that's just a thought. I don't know what the point would be. I don't know that my appearance in his life would add anything positive. When it comes to family, I'm a loser. Friends and family. In the shelter, the women think I'm an angel. I'm kind to strangers because I can walk away whenever I want. I set the terms. With family, friends, I guess I'm afraid of entanglement, darker emotions, commitment.

Self-analysis for dummies. I'm glad Will's married and has a wife who's obviously capable of giving him emotional support. He was always the normal one. I don't have a good handle yet on the scope of his reaction--I don't even know how close he was or wasn't with my mom.

I never liked David, my mom's second husband. He seemed like a man with a stingy soul. I don't know yet what his motives were.

Just some stream of consciousness before I turn in for the day. And a brief soak in the kind vibes you all send. I need to hold a cat. A dog even. There should be something between a petting zoo and a eherapeautic spa, where you can just walk in off the street and spend 30 minutes playing laser tag with kittens, or catnap next to a big shaggy dog. In the meantime I will make do feeding pigeons. And tomorrow I'll walk down to the water and feed the gulls again. I never knew until my last visit that they could hover in the air in front of you, wings beating aerobically, and catch bread in their mouths just the way a trained seal catches fish. Talented nutty squawking things.
"Smokin' hot.": kitten dandelion crooked_halo8without_me on April 15th, 2011 11:23 pm (UTC)
For what it's worth, it never occurred to me that you were imagining or otherwise misdescribing the situation with your mother. Horrible shit happens.

I hope the world may send a pettable cat your way.
Trepkostrepkos on April 15th, 2011 11:38 pm (UTC)
I don't know that my appearance in his life would add anything positive.

Maybe that's not the point - maybe he could do something positive for you; maybe he'd like to. And if not - what have you lost?
I don't think it would do any harm at all to go and talk to him and chew over all these things, if you can bear to. As long as the pills haven't made you unsafe to drive.

You aren't a loser - people don't avoid their family for no reason, please don't blame yourself.
kassrachel on April 16th, 2011 12:08 am (UTC)
I don't know what your relationship with your mom was like, though the beginning of this post gives me the sense it was not easy. Still. No matter what bad blood lay between you, I can't imagine this is the sort of news one processes easily. If at all. I don't even know.

Getting ativan sounds really smart. Go you. Self-care. Important even at the best of times, and this right here? Not the best of times, for damn sure.

Thinking of you. If we had a teleporter, I would happily transport you now to my cushy red couch, and feed you sorbet, and give you a fuzzy white cat to pet.
witlingwitling on April 16th, 2011 12:11 am (UTC)
We send a virtual fat, sleepy, warm-bellied cat to sloth out on your lap. We're thinking of you.
Minx, (n.) a pert girl, (adj.) saucy; impudent_minxy_ on April 16th, 2011 12:13 am (UTC)
I am so sorry. May you find warm people and pets to comfort you. If I lived near you, you could come over and play laser tag with my cat.
Dex Websterdexwebster on April 16th, 2011 12:30 am (UTC)
There should be something between a petting zoo and a eherapeautic spa, where you can just walk in off the street and spend 30 minutes playing laser tag with kittens, or catnap next to a big shaggy dog.

For what it's worth, there are some places where you can. A lot of shelters (no-kill ones especially) have rooms where you can basically go in and play with the animals. Maybe there's something near you like this?
laurajacquez on April 16th, 2011 08:06 pm (UTC)
JaneDavitt: bluebells by mejanedavitt on April 16th, 2011 12:37 am (UTC)
I've found that when it comes to close family years and distance don't count for much. I met up with my brother who'd emigrated to Australia after 18 years of nothing but the odd phonecall and photo exchange (no Skype then though we have it now and talk that way).

I opened the door, he walked in and there he was, and it was weird for a moment, but there's so much stored, shared memory...

I don't think what you 'should' do exists; you need to do what feels right for you now and when you look back at it and not going/going both have consequences and you might not feel able to weigh them because you're in shock. My dad died six months ago and I'm still recovering but it wasn't horrific like this.

If you decide to go and you need travel money, we're all here.

Doctor Science: kitten heartmecurtin on April 16th, 2011 12:56 am (UTC)
Holy shit, Anna. I found the newspaper report, and it says
This is the sixth murder-suicide reported in South Hampton Roads since early December.
What the hell?!?

You might be able to get a "compassionate" airfare. Or someone on the flist might have frequent flyer miles to give you -- I'm not sure how that would work. Remember that you have many resources available, more than it seems.

Doctor Sciencemecurtin on April 16th, 2011 01:02 am (UTC)
It's actually worse than that -- the followup story says
Five South Hampton Roads residents have killed a significant other before taking their own lives during the past three weeks
Law enforcement and social services people seem staggered and baffled at the moment.
WesleysGirlwesleysgirl on April 16th, 2011 12:57 am (UTC)
Maybe there's a nearby animal shelter where you could soak up some pet snuggles? *Hugs*
Dafnadafnagreer on April 16th, 2011 01:50 am (UTC)
There are two small off-leash dog parks in/near downtown. I don't know what they're like during the day on a weekday, but I bet they're active on weekends. It's perfectly OK to go w/o a dog and just pet the dogs that come up to you. The off-leash parks are at Boren & Pike, and at 3rd and Bell.

There's also the city shelter on 15th Ave W (near the Interlake golf course - take the #15 or #18), where they're always happy to have people just come in and play with the animals.
Minim Calibreminim_calibre on April 16th, 2011 02:57 am (UTC)
My cats are open to you, so you know.
tabaquitabaqui on April 16th, 2011 03:52 am (UTC)
I just caught up on your last post and this one. Still here, still listening.

I am so, so sorry. I wish you could have gotten such news in a way that wasn't so...impersonal and sudden. I wish you hadn't had to get news like that at all.

I wish so very much I could do something to help - please ask if you think I can, though i know the odds are slim to none.

Perhaps you could volunteer at a shelter to help 'socialize' animals? Some might need a dog walker or kitten wrangler.
Fandom: karass or granfalloon. Discuss.sherrold on April 16th, 2011 05:13 am (UTC)
You don't have to love someone to be distraught at their murder. Any kind of enmeshment would do, I think.

We're thinking of you, and you know you're welcome to come by and pet the cats.
juladjulad on April 16th, 2011 07:54 am (UTC)
Hi, I've just caught up on your recent posts. It's great to hear from you again even though it's at a time of such bad news. Hugs to you and congratulations on looking after yourself and others through this.

I'm very sorry about your mother and I hope you do at least get to talk to your brother, and share some of what you're feeling with each other, even if now's not the best time for you to re-engage fully. Thinking of you and hoping for the best for you - XXOO.
Lesley: Catparatti on April 16th, 2011 08:58 am (UTC)
the_shoshannathe_shoshanna on April 16th, 2011 05:12 pm (UTC)
Belatedly catching up, shocked and saddened, but always thinking of you.
a little specificitysinensiss on April 16th, 2011 06:19 pm (UTC)
I'm just catching up with things, and sending you an entire down comforter of good thoughts and shared sorrow. That's awful news to get, no matter what your relationship was like. ::hugs::
MELODY GLOUCESTER PEGASUSjolielaide on April 16th, 2011 07:45 pm (UTC)
You're not a loser. You're really, really not.
Marthasaffronhouse on April 16th, 2011 09:48 pm (UTC)
I'm sort of almost laughing in amazement at the hopeless social workers. Oh, geez. You might think that someone in that profession might have some skill in talking to someone who is trying to process horror. And some really, really do. But encountering them is just a crapshoot--or so it seems in my brief experience. In the meantime, "distract yourself"? Oh, my god.

But write about them here? Oh, definitely!

Hugs, dear.
yourlibrarianyourlibrarian on April 17th, 2011 12:50 am (UTC)
What an awful thing to have happen. I couldn't help thinking this line said a lot:

He seemed like a man with a stingy soul. I don't know yet what his motives were.

Regarding the pets, it would be great if they had a pet visiting program like they have in some hospitals and nursing homes. I remember being very irritated a few weeks ago to hear an interview with someone (who also thought little of online communication) that said the reason that pet visits were successful was because the pets were attached to people who brought them and it was those interactions that the residents really craved. I thought she had no idea what she was talking about.