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22 December 2010 @ 07:24 am
scared peep  
It's very hard just to say hello, world after two years of nowhere. If I could get away with a -6 font size that's what I'd use for this. White on white. I'm going to try to poke tendrils out though. I expect most posts to be short, inane, mundane; small talk about cats and Sherlock and the weather.

The thought of even reading comments let alone replying makes me tense. I tried to read some old comments yesterday and couldn't--I'm in that place where the memory of people's friendliness just makes me feel smaller.
EDIT: Okay maybe I can read and post comments after all. I felt very accomplished after I actually posted this and didn't delete it. Still coasting on that peep-sized glow...also, hey, insane mood swings!

Am about to crash after all-nighter but will wake up to comments later today and dive back into my own astounding & unexpected social streak.
So, obviously I'm not in a good place [really not so much, despite insane perky mood swings that appear to undermine my claim] but I want to try to write around that; I'm hoping that writing something public might help me get some small hang of passably normal back. Like going through the motions of smiling when you don't feel it, because in theory it'll start to feel real the more you do it. So--mechanical motions of communication with the outside world.

Possibly a bad time to be doing this. I've been off meds for too long--antidepressants, mood stabilizers. So I'm emotionally unstable, irritable to the point of viciousness, lonely but self-isolated, etc. I hope to get back on them soon. The mix probably needs tweaking too.

An insane cat is rattling needily at the closed door of my room. This is the cat who always tries to interrupt my Rodney McKay/Cheyenne Jackson fantasy time. Damn his furry nose.
Current Mood: unnerved
Anna S.eliade on December 22nd, 2010 04:13 pm (UTC)
To be sure, the nosy cat totally does that too. I can be 98% asleep wearing ear plugs and a sleep-mask and yet I sense it immediately when he sits on my bedside table six inches from my head and simply stares at me. Never mind that he and Piggy also leapfrog across my prone body in the small hours. It's the staring that gets to me....
laurashapiro on December 22nd, 2010 06:09 pm (UTC)
Marzipan used to try and get under the covers with us...several times a night. Now she has her own (heated!) bed, but she still comes and goes, walking over me in the process. She will also have the occasional midnight freakout, with top-of-voice yowling, for no discernible reason.
Anna S.: cat-adorableeliade on December 23rd, 2010 02:08 am (UTC)
Cats yodel. /darkly/ There's the 2:00 a.m. catnip yodel, the warbling open this effing door yodel, the free-floating ennui yodel, the kibble me yodel. Oh so many liquid-throated feline notes.