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22 December 2010 @ 07:24 am
scared peep  
It's very hard just to say hello, world after two years of nowhere. If I could get away with a -6 font size that's what I'd use for this. White on white. I'm going to try to poke tendrils out though. I expect most posts to be short, inane, mundane; small talk about cats and Sherlock and the weather.

The thought of even reading comments let alone replying makes me tense. I tried to read some old comments yesterday and couldn't--I'm in that place where the memory of people's friendliness just makes me feel smaller.
EDIT: Okay maybe I can read and post comments after all. I felt very accomplished after I actually posted this and didn't delete it. Still coasting on that peep-sized glow...also, hey, insane mood swings!

Am about to crash after all-nighter but will wake up to comments later today and dive back into my own astounding & unexpected social streak.
So, obviously I'm not in a good place [really not so much, despite insane perky mood swings that appear to undermine my claim] but I want to try to write around that; I'm hoping that writing something public might help me get some small hang of passably normal back. Like going through the motions of smiling when you don't feel it, because in theory it'll start to feel real the more you do it. So--mechanical motions of communication with the outside world.

Possibly a bad time to be doing this. I've been off meds for too long--antidepressants, mood stabilizers. So I'm emotionally unstable, irritable to the point of viciousness, lonely but self-isolated, etc. I hope to get back on them soon. The mix probably needs tweaking too.

An insane cat is rattling needily at the closed door of my room. This is the cat who always tries to interrupt my Rodney McKay/Cheyenne Jackson fantasy time. Damn his furry nose.
Current Mood: unnerved
Anna S.eliade on December 22nd, 2010 03:48 pm (UTC)
*hug* I'm soccer-player-shoving my way past nervousness at the moment. :)
mf: sherlock's propertythe_emef on December 22nd, 2010 03:50 pm (UTC)
looking forward to small talk about cats and Sherlock!
Anna S.eliade on December 22nd, 2010 04:02 pm (UTC)
I love your icon. Have you read wordstring's stories? I'm jittering like an enzyme-crazed thing to rec them:

The Girl that Blocked her own Shotquatre_k on December 22nd, 2010 04:04 pm (UTC)
They are so amazing!
Anna S.eliade on December 22nd, 2010 04:09 pm (UTC)
They're the first new fic I've read in years--I've been rereading around SGA and ended up sliding sideways into Sherlock recs. And I stayed up all night reading these. I think I saw God. It wasn't in itself what prompted me to finally post but it was possibly the straw that broke me.
The Girl that Blocked her own Shotquatre_k on December 22nd, 2010 04:49 pm (UTC)
I was resisting the pull into the Sherlock fandom when I stumbled across them and they were so amazing the sucked me right in :)
Anna S.eliade on December 23rd, 2010 02:05 am (UTC)
I just re-read them all during the past few hours. This time I kept freeze-framing all the perfect bits I should quote in a rec.... There are so many and I can't tell which would be most apt as enticements and which are best left as surprises.
mfthe_emef on December 22nd, 2010 04:11 pm (UTC)
omg, yes

have you read the thermodynamics series?
Anna S.eliade on December 22nd, 2010 04:24 pm (UTC)
No! But I promise you it will be the very first thing I go to after I wake up from my morning catnap--which I'm veering toward crashing into just about...nowish... :)
Anna S.: dino-best-story-evereliade on December 22nd, 2010 04:42 pm (UTC)
Okay maybe in fact I have to go read at least one of them now before I go to sleep.

/shifty eyes/
mf: sherlock's propertythe_emef on December 22nd, 2010 04:44 pm (UTC)
\o/ they are so awesome!