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22 December 2010 @ 07:24 am
scared peep  
It's very hard just to say hello, world after two years of nowhere. If I could get away with a -6 font size that's what I'd use for this. White on white. I'm going to try to poke tendrils out though. I expect most posts to be short, inane, mundane; small talk about cats and Sherlock and the weather.



The thought of even reading comments let alone replying makes me tense. I tried to read some old comments yesterday and couldn't--I'm in that place where the memory of people's friendliness just makes me feel smaller.
EDIT: Okay maybe I can read and post comments after all. I felt very accomplished after I actually posted this and didn't delete it. Still coasting on that peep-sized glow...also, hey, insane mood swings!

Am about to crash after all-nighter but will wake up to comments later today and dive back into my own astounding & unexpected social streak.
So, obviously I'm not in a good place [really not so much, despite insane perky mood swings that appear to undermine my claim] but I want to try to write around that; I'm hoping that writing something public might help me get some small hang of passably normal back. Like going through the motions of smiling when you don't feel it, because in theory it'll start to feel real the more you do it. So--mechanical motions of communication with the outside world.

Possibly a bad time to be doing this. I've been off meds for too long--antidepressants, mood stabilizers. So I'm emotionally unstable, irritable to the point of viciousness, lonely but self-isolated, etc. I hope to get back on them soon. The mix probably needs tweaking too.

An insane cat is rattling needily at the closed door of my room. This is the cat who always tries to interrupt my Rodney McKay/Cheyenne Jackson fantasy time. Damn his furry nose.
 
 
Current Mood: unnerved
 
 
Beth H: Books cat reading (bbb)bethbethbeth on December 22nd, 2010 03:28 pm (UTC)
Which probably means that a response saying "Hi! I missed you!" is also going to be weird (part welcome, part unwelcome), but...Hi! I missed you!

Also...posts about cats are never mundane, for cats are infinitely interesting!
Anna S.eliade on December 22nd, 2010 03:42 pm (UTC)
Strangely, the comment panic moment passed and hasn't returned yet--I just went and grilled some chicken and locked out the cats again with a mwahhahha sound. So like navigating a puddlejumper through a narrowing gate you've maneuvered into a finite window of opportunity. :)

(You can tell where my fannish clock stopped, can't you? Which was apparently just in time to miss canonical Super!Het!Rodney, thank god.)

Also, hello!
Beth H: SGA McKay hidden depths (lunulet swtalmnbethbethbeth on December 22nd, 2010 03:47 pm (UTC)
Rodney was just pretending to be het! Don't Ask, Don't Tell hadn't been repealed yet, and he didn't want to get John in trouble. :)
Anna S.eliade on December 22nd, 2010 04:40 pm (UTC)
DADT is boggling my mind right now in a happy way.

And re SGA, I have to admit that when I found out he basically fell for Kaylee, it was hard to blame him. *g*