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11 February 2006 @ 03:46 pm
our lady of the silences  
I know I've fallen quiet again. I've had nothing to say that wasn't dispirited navel-gazing. When my problems bore even me, I figure it's better just to wait it out. Actually, I don't have a lot to say now that isn't along those same lines, but I thought I'd poke my head up.

This past week I went off Lexapro and Strattera and back on Prozac; I think that's the medication I've done best on so far. If it wasn't for its negative interaction with Strattera, I wouldn't have gone off it in the first place. So for now: Prozac, Lamictal, and a few blood-pressure meds.

After seeing Psych Guy I saw my general practitioner, and we spent a longer than usual visit going over various issues. We talked about the Adderall again, and he surprised me by being more open to the idea of my taking it and balancing out side-effects with a more aggressive mix of BP meds. I suspect his change of heart has to do with the downturn of these past several months. We seem to have consensus on that anyway--my GP, my therapist, Psych Guy, me. I should give the others names, shouldn't I. Maybe Dr. Cutie and The Deadpan Therapist.

Any effects of the Prozac should start kicking in in a few weeks. Meanwhile. Things are difficult. Days and nights and work and pretty much everything else.

I'm not going to Escapade this year. I haven't been keeping up with friends. I haven't been writing. I've spent most evenings killing time at my neighborhood café and idling on my couch. On Fridays, I've been watching SGA, House (re-airing on USA), and the occasional episode of Monk and SG-1. Nothing else, really. When I'm feeling an edge of aimless desperation, I trifle around--reorganize my image folders, make simple icons, try to focus on reading SGA stories.

Getting through what should be perfectly ordinary tasks--getting my hair done last week, paying a bill, making and keeping a doctor's appointment, buying groceries--feels like an accomplishment, except without the feeling of accomplishment.

Weekends are the worst in many ways. I fail to structure my time. I sleep and sleep. I have so many things undone that I don't know where to start. I have lists, and I want to just pick something and cross it off, but then I can't face whatever it is. I feel trapped up to the waist in mud. By Sunday evening, I'm always amazed that I've wasted so much time in a state of motionless decay.

Yesterday I did something--I found this simple script that calculates the number of days that have passed since a certain date, so that I can look at a page and see the accrual of days I've been sober. Today is 307 days. I wish that felt more like a triumph and less like the product of inertia. Then again, in this case, there's a certain appeal to the power of inertia--it's like falling into a rut of sobriety versus a rut of drinking. I'm so good at falling into behavioral ruts that I've managed nearly a year of sobriety simply by standing still. If the rest of my life wasn't so often crap--a reflex of negative compensation, maybe--I'd pause to celebrate.

And on that note, bunny, dormouse, monkey, bunny, sloths.

Trepkos: Bunniestrepkos on February 11th, 2006 11:59 pm (UTC)
Everything is made just a little better by bunnies.
307 days is brilliant - feel proud.
janecarnall on February 12th, 2006 12:08 am (UTC)
Weekends are the worst in many ways. I fail to structure my time. I sleep and sleep. I have so many things undone that I don't know where to start. I have lists, and I want to just pick something and cross it off, but then I can't face whatever it is. I feel trapped up to the waist in mud. By Sunday evening, I'm always amazed that I've wasted so much time in a state of motionless decay.

You've described all too many of my weekends. Most of them, in fact.

I wish I could think of something more constructive to say. Or helpful. Or at least amusing. Or something pornographic about Ronon picking Rodney up with his hands under Rodney's armpits as Rodney has sunk to his knees to suck Ronon off, and Ronon heaves him to his feet and puts him gently and inexorably face-down on his bed and fucks him until Rodney makes little groaning squeaky noises and comes.

Or something.

I like your writing so much. I don't really know you at all, except that you have achieved 307 days sober and I find that admirable even if you can't muster the energy to admire yourself. I admire you. I think you're brilliant and wonderful. I live in the middle of undone tasks and to do lists I can't even bring myself to write down, and I don't write even half as much as you do.
rache: pegasus coffee by twisted_vergulewickedwords on February 12th, 2006 12:11 am (UTC)
I am very proud of you for your 307 days. That's a tough job, and you're doing well.
laurashapiro on February 12th, 2006 12:19 am (UTC)
Thanks for the update. We worry, you know.

I'll miss you at Escapade. Gawd, I think it's been at least three years since I last saw you! That's no good. Ought not to be allowed.

It sounds like you have a good plan sorted out for your various meds. Hope you start feeling better soon.
WesleysGirl: ratwesleysgirl on February 12th, 2006 12:28 am (UTC)
*Hugs* I want to say something encouraging or at least nice, but my brain is goo and all I can think of is BABYBUNNYOMG!!!1!


*Rat-icons you*
Pouncer: Teacupthepouncer on February 12th, 2006 12:29 am (UTC)
I hope the new mix of meds helps.
eaceac on February 12th, 2006 12:29 am (UTC)
Getting through what should be perfectly ordinary tasks--getting my hair done last week, paying a bill, making and keeping a doctor's appointment, buying groceries--feels like an accomplishment, except without the feeling of accomplishment.

I have a feeling of recognition when I read this; much of the last 2 months have felt this way for me. Hope the shift back to Prozac helps. Also, as someone said above, 307 days is an accomplishment.
Pamgoosegirl9 on February 12th, 2006 12:49 am (UTC)
I'm so glad to hear from you, no matter what the news. I'm sorry the meds are not working. I'm hoping the Prozac and the Adderall do the trick. My ADHD son was brilliantly organized and productive on Adderall. I think your 307 days of sobriety are an awesome accomplishment, even if you are currently 'in the slough of despond'. Spring is coming, and maybe that - and the new meds - may help. :hugs:
Kristinadesoto_hia873 on February 12th, 2006 01:23 am (UTC)
307 days is awesome.

::hugs you::
julia_herejulia_here on February 12th, 2006 01:53 am (UTC)
Baby sloths. Hee!

I'm finding it hard to write because mostly I either get stuck in eulogy mode, or bitch about living with (teenagers, middle-aged husbands, neighbors with huge subwoofers) which, while I might be able to make those amusing for others just makes me more grieving, or more pissed off. So, different source for the same problem.

Personally, I think we all need something amazing to happen.

Julia, so far, it hasn't
after me, the deluge: come on up for the risingiamsab on February 12th, 2006 02:16 am (UTC)
Dammit, I feel exactly, exactly the same way. Am going off the Lexapro myself this week, though this crappy HMO makes finding a doctor -- any doctor -- more of a chore than my executive disorder can handle. However I think I have a shrink appointment Monday morning, and I saw my PCP last week and we, also, have reached a consensus, Adderall makes me spaz, Paxil makes me nauseous, Lexapro makes me CRY and CRY and CRY. Good thing there's TV on DVD and the internet.

Be very very proud of your 307 days. Personal victories are hard to come by, and that's a doozy. YAY YOU.
Herself_nycherself_nyc on February 12th, 2006 03:19 am (UTC)
I'm sorry it's so hard for you right now, but you are acting to take care of yourself, and from all I know, the first year or so of sobriety can be a huge depressing slog. You're not an outlier!

tabaqui: dousebygnome781tabaqui on February 12th, 2006 04:05 am (UTC)
Hurrah for inertia, then!
Ennui is hard to live in. Nothing *matters*, and that's so...tiring.

I have absolutely nothing constructive whatsover except - my icon!
And sloths!
MELODY GLOUCESTER PEGASUSjolielaide on February 12th, 2006 04:49 am (UTC)
Sometimes it feels like just getting through an ordinary day is a cause for celebration. I celebrate you, anyway.

lyrstzha: Zoe&Wash: teh_indylyrstzha on February 12th, 2006 04:54 am (UTC)
I wish I could think of something encouraging or especially inspiring to say. The best I've got is that I hope you feel better when the meds kick in, and that 307 days---rut or not---is damn impressive.
ReginaGiraffereginagiraffe on February 12th, 2006 05:09 am (UTC)
307 days is 'wow'-inducing! (Literally. When I read that I said 'wow!' out loud.)
superheroes failing at oatmeal: bat-hugs=best hugs [Te]some_stars on February 12th, 2006 05:24 am (UTC)
that third picture is what I wish to do to you right now. SQUEEZE YOU LOVINGLY LIKE A TINY MONKEY. for that is the manner in which I am fond of you.

also, holy crap, stop describing my life. *eyes you warily*
Alizarin_NYC: hewlett pin pet mealizarin_nyc on February 12th, 2006 06:14 am (UTC)
*pets you*

Thanks for poking your head up.. it's nice to see you. I'm sorry you're suffering, though, very sorry. You're in my thoughts.
grand_sophygrand_sophy on February 12th, 2006 09:30 am (UTC)
We're all quietly rooting for you; you're not alone. The meds are hard, aren't they? I've got another appointment for my son with a pediatric psychiatrist; been dragging him hither and yon since he was eight (five years now), and he's still unhappy and disorganized and occasionally totally obnoxious, and my heart bleeds for him. Prozac was the best for him too, but he really needs an ADD type med as well. I'm hoping Strattera might be a good 2-in-1 med for him, but I'm kind of scared after all the side effects he's had with other meds. I started on Paxil myself six weeks ago; am trying to decide if lack of accomplishment due to drug induced sleepiness is better than lack of accomplishment due to depression.

You are a good and worthwhile person, whether you're writing or not. Try to get out for a short walk or a sit in the sun each day, and remind yourself of that. If you have trouble believing it, at least accept that other people do believe in you, and let that comfort you a little.
adannu: joss sticksadannu on February 12th, 2006 10:40 am (UTC)
307 days is great. And I know what you feel about ordinary interactions feeling like an accomplishment -- because a lot of the time that's what it feels like to me too. Hang in there, hon.

(And those pictures make me go all googly. Especially the baby sloths.)
You're out of adventures :(claire on February 12th, 2006 12:04 pm (UTC)
Sometimes inertia is all we have. *waves 307 days flag anyway*

PS. I ♥ my (generic brand) Prozac!
kassrachel on February 12th, 2006 01:23 pm (UTC)
OMG animals are so cute.

Also, thinking of you.
Very inconvenient, as now I have no shaving-glass: Baby sloth - dawngliderdzurlady on February 12th, 2006 01:55 pm (UTC)
Sorry to hear things haven't been working out for you, and I hope things look up with your new meds. 307 days is very impressive - don't sell yourself short.

On a happier note, are not the baby sloths so terribly adorable? Little toes and tiny round fuzzy heads!
witlingwitling on February 12th, 2006 08:20 pm (UTC)
Hang in there, I say tritely. I know what you mean about the little things feeling like accomplishments, without the accomplishment. Well put. Life's been like that around here lately, too. I hope the meds work out better, and that you're still getting exercise. Sometimes I think that's the most important thing--just getting out and breaking a sweat. It changes things that otherwise don't change on their own.

Thank you for the baby animals. We had dinner last night with some ladies who own four small dogs, and that was also pretty therapeutic. Little animals are good bang for your buck. Unless they're little, tiny scorpions. In which case, no.
Anna S.: confessionseliade on February 12th, 2006 09:10 pm (UTC)
Unless they're little, tiny scorpions. In which case, no.

Go here. Scroll.


I'm kind of smitten with it.
witlingwitling on February 12th, 2006 09:18 pm (UTC)
Dude. Whoah.
ex_dovil323 on February 12th, 2006 10:01 pm (UTC)
I do the dance of the 307 days because that is seriously brilliant. That's one hell of an accomplishment so don't sell yourself short.

If your drifting be tragic like me and make lists and then tick them off, because nothing says accomplishment like being able to tick something. Or for the weekend you could set things up in advance so that way you HAVE to leave the house. See, I'm full of useful and annoying advice.

You are missed when you are not around so I go hurrah for seeing your head poke up. Hurrah! <- see
not bloody Martin Smith from Croydon: kitties are lovemercuriosity on February 14th, 2006 01:14 am (UTC)
Tiny animals are nature's cure-all.

I hope you feel better soon.