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08 January 2006 @ 03:21 pm
contents under pressure  


I got such a kick out of writing the badfic summary challenge. I thought I had a charge of propulsive energy for that which would carry me through the weekend, but as it turns out not so. I had one of those weekends where I don't feel so much a need for sleep as an unwanted sleeping sickness--an inability to shut off the sleep function. I slept Friday and Saturday and most of today away, and now I'm headachey, unhappy, and covered in unattractive sheet creases. I woke up from what was more or less a coma earlier and stared at myself blurrily in the mirror--grey growing out in my hair in its inevitable skunky streak, body lax after tired gymless months, face ageing, and I could barely stand to look at myself. So many wasted hours, life unfed until it became limp and lifeless.

I had bad nightmares last night--the kind where, in the dream, I kept thinking I was trying to make myself wake and get out of bed, and every time the gesture was just a dream gesture, and I was still asleep, and growing more and more confused and tangled and sticky and lost. Finally woke and turned on the light, and got up for a bit, then fell asleep again. Strange dreams followed. Something with a naked honor guard and a Cinderella myth, and my teeth breaking in my mouth, and losing diamonds from my shoes. This morning just before I awoke I attended a Hollywood AA meeting with Kiefer Sutherland and Steve Martin. I talked about myself and people seemed to welcome what I had to say. But the building had terrible bathrooms. Later the whole thing turned into flight, with a pitstop to try and save a mouse from mortal staple wounds, and more flight. I was a Nikita-like, Sydney-like assassin-spy. Very impressive really. But bleak.

I had more Rodney-as-alien story in me, but it may be gone now. I want to write some stuff for people, but it's not coming. I feel constantly like a failure lately for all the feedback I haven't left, stories I haven't recced and given their due, comments I haven't answered. Fandom isn't fun like that, but it also doesn't feel quite as fulfilling when I just consume people's things and not express my gratitude for them.

All this wasted life and failure makes me cry, and the weather here continues to be grey and rainy, and every day's another day of avoiding the gym, or being too tired and spent to drag myself there, knowing it's making things worse; and wondering if I'm getting the right combo of meds. Worrying that parts of me are just hanging on by threads and I won't notice until they break.

But I went shopping for food yesterday, and maybe I'll actually eat the broccoli and some of the fruit. And just now I got myself out of the apartment and down to the cafe, and I'm eating a salad with chicken and maybe listening to Ben Folds and Thea Gilmore will energize me a bit. And I took an Adderall, hoping to get out of this bleak pit for a few hours. My BP has been pretty good the last few times I checked, so it'll just have to deal with this.

And I'm just going to say that I read spike21's latest Rodney/Ronon story and loved it so very much--it's the story for them I've been waiting for in this fandom. I don't know how I can want so much for fictional characters to be happy when I don't invest that much energy in other people's happiness. I think this makes me less evolved as a human being, and I'm doubtful I'll get a reincarnated chance to move beyond that. But some days it's all I have. I just don't want to get to the last day of my life and find out it's just been part of the wasted time. I probably will, though.

I've just about reached my ninth month of not drinking, but days like this it doesn't feel like it. I'm going to hang on to this and what else I've got, though. And try to get work done at the office tomorrow, and to put more bills on autopay this month so that I don't fall behind again. And go to therapy next week. And I'll see what else, I guess.
 
 
 
(Deleted comment)
Anna S.eliade on January 8th, 2006 11:47 pm (UTC)
Re: "Lassitude," she said kindly.
I very much want to see you! So, are you actually hoping to move here? I think I missed that point when you were talking about your trip--I thought it was just a visit. It would be so cool if you were on the West Coast. *leans against you*
superheroes failing at oatmeal: bat-hugs=best hugs [Te]some_stars on January 8th, 2006 11:30 pm (UTC)
well, you make me happy, and I am a real person! Last time I checked. *internet hugs!!1* the sleep coma is indeed hideous, but salad and fruit often helps me, so good luck with that.
Anna S.eliade on January 8th, 2006 11:46 pm (UTC)
It's not that I don't have kind and thoughtful impulse toward people, you know? It's just that I only tend to weep for other people's welfare (literally) when they're imaginary.

You make me happy too. Very very much. Cuteness and funniness were gifts given to you (and <lj user=kormantic, by the way) by those Disney fairies at birth. Were they fairies? You probably know what I mean. *hugs*
(no subject) - eliade on January 8th, 2006 11:48 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - some_stars on January 9th, 2006 12:33 am (UTC) (Expand)
Loligololigo on January 8th, 2006 11:55 pm (UTC)
well, speaking of feedback never left
I guess now is as good a time as any to tell you that you've been bringing me joy, I mean downright *joy*, ever since that Mulder/Methos crossover, lo, those many years ago. And most of the time I don't send feedback, because I can't think of anything original to say and I start to worry that after the tenth "OMG I love your brain" it just starts to feel like creepy stalking.

But seriously, for all that we have absolutely zero personal relationship, you've made an impact on my life. You're one of the handful of fanfic writers whose stories I relive and re-read. You find those fannish buttons, the core of what makes a person or relationship compelling, and then you hit them, *HARD*, but with wit, economy, and grace. You deepen my appreciation of the source material.

And now, feeling somewhat embarrassed, I slink back off into lurkerdom....
Anna S.eliade on January 9th, 2006 12:06 am (UTC)
Re: well, speaking of feedback never left
But you *have* given me so much feedback--and it was really good to find you again on LJ after all that time. :) *hugs* You are not stalkery, and please feel free to pet my brain any time. It likes it and purrs. It is a slut. Or a cat. Or both, perhaps.

Mulder/Methos--man. I have fond memories of some of the writing I did for that story in terms of Mulderism and even language, but what a naif I was back in those days--I had seen something like fifteen minutes of Methos when I wrote that, knew next to nothing about him (and never did watch the show). I wrote it simply because he was hot. I'd never dare write like that these days. I got one of my few flames ever on that story, someone taking me to task because I didn't pay my dues by knowing who the hell I was writing about in the slightest, and they may have been rude but they were right too. (Characterization, what characterization?)

But I digress--possibly because I'm finally starting to feel a bit human again as the food and drugs kick in. :) Anyway. I stretch across net space to give you many hugs of gratitude for being you and being there.
Re: well, speaking of feedback never left - loligo on January 9th, 2006 03:25 am (UTC) (Expand)
Re: well, speaking of feedback never left - eliade on January 9th, 2006 04:19 am (UTC) (Expand)
buddleia: Fixbunnybuddleia on January 8th, 2006 11:57 pm (UTC)
If I knew you at all, I would say nice and helpful things but all I got is the formula "I hope things are brighter soon". And, you know, they often are. Nearly nine months not drinking? Hey, if you'd quit because you were pregnant, you'd be almost due!
Anna S.eliade on January 9th, 2006 12:01 am (UTC)
Hey, if you'd quit because you were pregnant, you'd be almost due!

Scariest. Thought. Ever. *g* I should never be a mother--thankfully for the world and theoretical children, I've always known this.
(Deleted comment)
Anna S.eliade on January 9th, 2006 12:07 am (UTC)
Yes. It so does. It makes you realize that after some turning point, living essentially equals slow death.

That deep and cheery thought brought to you by my inner Jack Handy. *g*
Explicit Adult Content? You're soaking in it!: find meyin_again on January 9th, 2006 12:04 am (UTC)
I've slept most of today away, despite looming school deadlines and all manner of yelling at myself.

I'll just be over here under the blanket until it passes. There's room under here for you, too.
Anna S.eliade on January 9th, 2006 12:12 am (UTC)
*crawls in with you*

I did that same thing with work, intending to go in on Saturday and sleeping and dicking around online instead. :P I really hope I can pull it together before someone realizes how much spacetime I waste while pulling in a paycheck.
Trepkos: Consolation by Angstpuppytrepkos on January 9th, 2006 12:20 am (UTC)
Your badfic story was gloriously funny and sexy.
You have not wasted your time, if you look at all the people you've made happy.
I hate those dreams where you dream you've woken and you haven't - its especially scary when you try to open your eyes and can't do it.
I may have asked you this before but have you tried selenium - 200 mcg per day seems to be lifting my partner out of the slough of despond most of the time.
9 months is excellent work. Feel proud.
And don't forget there's some CDs here with your name on, missy!
They're going to sit here tapping their covers impatiently until they have an address to go to!
Anna S.eliade on January 9th, 2006 04:20 am (UTC)
Thank you, sweetie. *hugs* I don't remember the selenium rec, but I will make a note and see about finding it. :)

I'm going to find your e-mail in my inbox now & send you my addy!
nzlaura: mykindofcrack Tara restless backnzlaura on January 9th, 2006 12:23 am (UTC)
Really hope you feel better soon - lethargy sucks. As a side note, I always dream that whereever I am the bathrooms are terrible - broken or dirty. I wonder if/what that means? Dreams are weird.
Anna S.eliade on January 9th, 2006 04:24 am (UTC)
I've had many really rather unsavory bathroom dreams over the years. Not to mention the public showering ones. Human beings are just water and mud, aren't we. *sigh*
cindershadow on January 9th, 2006 12:58 am (UTC)
I'm always a bit uncertain about butting in on a post like this, since I'm "just" one of your fans and you don't know me from Adam, so it feels unbearably pushy. So if you don't want to read any further, just take this as a generalized and well-meant, if awkward, pat on the back.

That said . . .

First, the practical. I lived for three years in Oregon during high school, and I loved many things about it (especially all that green, very amazing to someone Southern California born-and-bred). But when I went away to college, I realized the degree to which the greyness of the weather there had gotten to me--we had a sunny day in fall there in Virginia after a few weeks of grey, and I went nuts: picnicing, bicycling, sitting under a tree to read . . . not working beyond bare attendance at class. I realized this was my "Spring is here!" behavior from the Oregon years. Short version: Seasonal Affective Disorder is the fancy name, but gloomy weather can get to one, and some folks feel it more than others. I don't know if the light therapy stuff actually works, or if one needs more sunny vacations or if it requires one to move . . . did you notice any difference on your California trip (assuming it was sunny, and filtering out the part about it being a vacation)? Point being: it's not necessarily some flaw in you; the environment could be a (big?) factor.

Second, the philosophical: Whatever else you may be doing with your life, you are a writer--an artist. You have touched an amazing number of people; look at the number of people who have friended you, look at the number who've hit your website (assuming you have one of those counters on it). Art makes one's life better . . . sometimes in measurable ways, sometimes "just" in improving overall quality. You'll never know how much pleasure you've given people, how many times reading (and re-reading) your work has made their day a bit better or more bearable. I can tell you that you've done it often for me, and I've only known about your work for around a year. That's touching real people's lives. Yeah, some people do it better face-to-face; I don't happen to be one of those folks myself, except maybe for some of my students. But I don't think the means of delivery matters that much in the cosmic scheme of things.

Sorry--too long-winded for a comment; probably should have emailed! It also seems unbearably presumptuous to write so familiarly to one of the finest writers I know--not merely on LJ. Begging your pardon!
Anna S.eliade on January 9th, 2006 04:34 am (UTC)
I'm always a bit uncertain about butting in on a post like this, since I'm "just" one of your fans and you don't know me from Adam, so it feels unbearably pushy.

It's not at all. :) I always like hearing from you.

Short version: Seasonal Affective Disorder is the fancy name, but gloomy weather can get to one, and some folks feel it more than others.</i>

I was thinking that as I wrote the entry, actually. It's been said before, and it makes a lot of sense. It's weird, because I *like* the mildness of the winters, and living by Puget Sound, and all that--so it's hard for me to accept that it might have this affect on me. (And I've always kind of hated sunshine and heat, though that may have been a weight/sedentary health thing that might not be so bad if I were fitter.) But you could be very right. It's something to think about if I ever think about moving somewhere else.

You have touched an amazing number of people; look at the number of people who have friended you, look at the number who've hit your website (assuming you have one of those counters on it).

I've never taken stats. I figure it's better not to get too caught up in that. There are so many other ways to metrically worry about my worth. *g* But I get what you're saying. Thank you.

I can tell you that you've done it often for me, and I've only known about your work for around a year. That's touching real people's lives.

I'm glad; this makes me happy to know.

Sorry--too long-winded for a comment; probably should have emailed! It also seems unbearably presumptuous to write so familiarly to one of the finest writers I know--not merely on LJ. Begging your pardon!

Gah. Please don't worry about that. I'm a very ordinary dork. :)
Alizarin_NYC: sheppard and team we badalizarin_nyc on January 9th, 2006 01:09 am (UTC)
I had bad nightmares last night--the kind where, in the dream, I kept thinking I was trying to make myself wake and get out of bed, and every time the gesture was just a dream gesture, and I was still asleep, and growing more and more confused and tangled and sticky and lost.

I have these dreams, too! They are the worst. Especially when you get in a round-robin and they keep on coming at you one after the other and each time, you think, "this time is real, I'm really awake now," and you're not.

We don't know each other, but I'm sending good thoughts your way because you so eloquently express much of my experience with depression and I appreciate that and value you. *hugs*
Anna S.eliade on January 9th, 2006 04:25 am (UTC)
I have these dreams, too! They are the worst. Especially when you get in a round-robin and they keep on coming at you one after the other and each time, you think, "this time is real, I'm really awake now," and you're not.

That is *exactly* what happened. It was maddening. But I'm awake now, I think.

We don't know each other, but I'm sending good thoughts your way because you so eloquently express much of my experience with depression and I appreciate that and value you. *hugs*

Thank you, sweetie. I appreciate hearing from you. :) *hugs back*
(Deleted comment)
Anna S.eliade on January 9th, 2006 04:29 am (UTC)
I never know what to say to your posts that doesn't just sound trite and so I never respond,

No worries. I feel that way about other people's posts too of course--I think we all get that way. And then there are the times where something really, *really* bad has happened to someone on my flist and I completely mean to post to express sympathy but am not quite sure how, and then time passes and LJ flows on and I have let the chance for a connection lapse.

but this one touched on the "lather, rinse, repeat" part of the hamster wheel I feel as though I'm on these days, and... / And that. That's all.

*hugs*

I wave to you from my passing go-cart.

At least we both continue to pass Go. (Does that sentiment even make sense? Er. Never mind. Except, yes and hello, and *waves back*. :)

And I applaud madly your nine months.

"These are the first nine months of the rest of your life..." (Sorry. My brain is starting to spit out random meaningless thoughts.)
Minx, (n.) a pert girl, (adj.) saucy; impudent: S/R by kuwdora_minxy_ on January 9th, 2006 01:41 am (UTC)
Hello new person on my flist. I've known your fics for some time but only just discovered you on LJ, so now I must begin the daunting task of leaving f/b when I reread because now I kinda know you... And I sympathize with the sleep coma because I have been oh so ill for the last week, I have barely left my bed. I detested the sight of it after a while, but it was hard to fight the fact that my body was just weak.

I'm fixing it as best I can. Did take the opportunity to edit and post some fic, though. It'd would be an interesting way to introduce myself, but you have given me much joy with your stories, so perhaps it is fitting...

If you like, if you would like the distraction, this is an SG-1/Atlantis crossover. OT3 (of a different sort) and slash so much of anything goes. The Exclusion Principle.
Anna S.eliade on January 9th, 2006 04:36 am (UTC)
Hello new person on my flist.

Hello! :)

I've known your fics for some time but only just discovered you on LJ, so now I must begin the daunting task of leaving f/b when I reread because now I kinda know you...

*g* Feel free. But don't worry if you don't.

And I sympathize with the sleep coma because I have been oh so ill for the last week, I have barely left my bed. I detested the sight of it after a while, but it was hard to fight the fact that my body was just weak.

I've spent the last three weeks sleeping, it feels like. I'm so over it!

If you like, if you would like the distraction, this is an SG-1/Atlantis crossover. OT3 (of a different sort) and slash so much of anything goes. The Exclusion Principle.

Cool--I will totally take a look! :) Thank you!
kittygoslingp on January 9th, 2006 01:49 am (UTC)
I'm sorry you're having a low day though dreams like that can leave you with a kind of hangover so I'm not that surprised but sorry.

Really though, just to hit on one point you touch on, please don't worry about feedbacking feedback. I don't care what the polls, etc. show - you are not a writing machine - if you chose to share of your bountiful goodness with us and we wish to show our appreciation and/or encourage you that's your individual decision and then ours - you cannot be expected to respond to every little bit of feedback because if you did when would you eat. Seriously, it nearly makes me mad to think of someone sitting out there bleating that they commented on someone's fic and had no response - you do a nice thing, other people do a nice thing - no obligation involved.

Glad to hear that the food and drugs are kicking in and hope that you continue to feel better.
Anna S.eliade on January 9th, 2006 04:09 am (UTC)
Really though, just to hit on one point you touch on, please don't worry about feedbacking feedback. / Seriously, it nearly makes me mad to think of someone sitting out there bleating that they commented on someone's fic and had no response - you do a nice thing, other people do a nice thing - no obligation involved.

I generally feel that way--I mean, I don't expect other people to respond when I leave feedback on their story. But I feel most bad myself when it's someone who has never commented before, and who may be leaving feedback in part to establish a social connection in fandom. And then I worry a lot about how they'll react. :(
Ponyponygirl2000 on January 9th, 2006 03:30 am (UTC)
You know I think I orginally friended you because I loved your fic, but really now I could care less about fic, I'm interested in your life. Even the littlest things, you write with such originality and insight it's a privilege to be able to read the things you share with us. So just wishing you well. And thank you.
Anna S.: cat-adorableeliade on January 9th, 2006 04:08 am (UTC)
You're very kind, and it really does make me feel better knowing that I can say things with some degree of coherency and interest even when they're reflecting my blahness. :) Thank you. I'm glad you're here.
Sylvike: little red looks upfishsanwitt on January 9th, 2006 05:02 am (UTC)
I never know what to say, and I'm always afraid I'm going to look like a spaz, so I'll keep it simple and just say, 'I hope you feel better soon.'
Anna S.eliade on January 9th, 2006 05:04 am (UTC)
You never look like a spaz. But even if you did, the word "spaz" is very cute, so you'd be very cute. :) But you don't. It is always good to hear from you. Thank you. *hug* (Also, very cool icon!)