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13 December 2005 @ 11:36 pm
...and then the earth split open and spewed forth crackfic.  
I very much wanted to write tonight, or at least answer some comments. But I'm tired. Pathetically tired. So I lay on my bed a while, then mindlessly played FreeCell a while, then a reread a handful of SGA stories. In my immediate future is more sleep...

...or so I thought. But I wrote those words forty-five minutes ago, then suddenly remembered that I'd been meaning to jot down notes about the insane storylines reeling through my head lately. So I wrote these and then looked at them and thought, yeah, you know what, you're never really going to write those, because YOU NEVER DO, and I'm going to bed now. So I'll post these and laugh and laugh and cry. And probably fall asleep thinking of very similar and equally dirty things.

SGA stories I'm not writing

- The one where Rodney is abducted and genetically altered by a guy who then sells him to a traveling freak show, and they can't find him for months and months, but finally they track down his kidnapper, and interrogate the guy and take his spaceship, which they use to travel to the backwater planet where Rodney is, and when John, Teyla, and Ronon rescue him, they find him in a barred, locked stall in a barn, and he's got long hair and stubble and is stunning, like in this icon I'm using, and they see in amazement that he has beautiful wings, ginormous and white and astonishing--the kidnapper had managed to keep that from them, letting it be a cruel surprise--and then they fly the ship back to Atlantis at a leisurely enough pace that John and Rodney can spend a week in bed discovering their love for each other, which is healing, because of how Rodney's been dragged from world to world as part of a menagerie, abused and kept in a cage and displayed to gaping villagers (though sometimes children gave him presents and he's mellowed toward kids as a result, at least the ones who aren't evil, smelly, jeering little brats) and when they get home to Atlantis, Rodney discovers he can fly--then there's a flying montage, and lots of golden light--and all is well, except for how all of a sudden I decide that Teyla loves Rodney (Teyla angst!) and there's a threesome, and whoa, Teyla has Rodney's baby, and then they all live together and raise it, happily every after, and it's a girl; and after all this, a year or so later after the gate has been down for repairs or whatever, the SG-1 people come to visit and are like, OMGWTFWINGS?!

- The one where an ancient device goes wild and first turns a few random scientists into younger versions of themselves and then whammies Rodney into his fifteen-year-old self (not time-travel, but a full-body reversion using accessed memory) and it turns out that while, yes, he was a young genius, he was also a street kid for a year, which came about because he tried to use a fake ID to get into a gay bar for the first time ever, but the bouncer wouldn't let him in, so he kicked around outside the bar desperate to make a connection with someone, but the bouncer chased him away, and as he walked along the empty back streets, a bunch of guys followed him and bashed him and gang-raped him, after which he cracked up and was committed to a juvenile asylum, and after that ran away from home to live on the street, pale and bruised and vulnerable and beautiful, and he carries a switchblade and wears jeans with holes in the knees, and now here he is in some hi-tech lab surrounded by military jock-types and people in Star Trek uniforms and some weird Czech guy is babbling; and Rodney is freaked out, of course--he's jittery and wild, poised for flight, eyes shifting frantically for an escape; from what he can tell he's been ripped from a Toronto warehouse where he'd been squatting for the night, and the last thing he can remember is that he was asleep, and now he's disioriented and hungry and exhausted because he didn't manage to find dinner last night; and he's paraniod, remembering how a few years back a sinister black-ops government agency (or maybe tech firm) had aggressively tried to recruit him, spooking his parents and him too, so he's got reasonable paranoia and thinks this might be a gaslight scenario; but John is there, and sees that everything they do is just winding him up tighter ("Kavanagh, shut up!") and that he's in danger of cracking again, so he kicks everyone out of the lab and quiets Rodney's fears, and convinces Rodney that this is real (with some help from Zelenka); after viewing the labs and the laptops and shiny things, it's a physics text book of Zelenka's, a real solid book, that Rodney accepts as proof; he knows what's in it is far beyond him and couldn't have been faked. "Can I keep this?" he asks Zelenka, wrapping his arms around the book. So John takes Rodney with his book to the mess and watches him tear into a tray of food like a starving cat, then sits with him, and they talk, and Rodney is angsting because the one element of his past that didn't materialize with him is his ratty knapsack with the few small things of value he owned (a notebook, a Walkman, an folding street map), and John is gentle with him, and very kind, because seeing this younger Rodney--who's been overwritten by time and buried by sheer force of will--is such a gut-punch of unexpectedness that it's just about breaking John, and he's gone all protective, determined to be the one person Rodney can trust. After Rodney checks out his quarters (seeing the award photo on the wall: "Fuck, I look like my dad"), they hang out, and make some awkward, bittersweet talk, but then Rodney starts to say more revealing things about his life, and John has a crisis of conscience and tells him not to share secrets he'll regret later; but that just makes Rodney stare back at him with naked eyes in a face of raw need, on the edge of being ripped open again by distress--because John told him that they're friends, and Rodney calls him on it now, and says desperately, "You're my only friend" and tells John about the rape, and John listens as stoically as he can until he hears it all, and then it's as if his entire body balls up into a fist and he goes and punches the wall hard, and bows his head there and cries in the stifled, miserable way that men cry; when he comes back, they sit close together for a while with their foreheads touching, holding hands, one of John's hands on Rodney's neck, stroking his upper back. Then John lets Rodney pull him over to lie on the bed next to Rodney while he sleeps, and John sleeps too. And so on and so on, and before Rodney is restored there's kissing, and then voila, Rodney is himself. And then more kissing.

- The one where Rodney, Lorne, Ronon, and John go on a mission and their hosts check to make sure they're warriors but Rodney raises a hand and snippily says, I prefer to think of myself first and foremost as a scientist, because there's been some kind of geek versus grunt argument going on, and their hosts are all, "What is this thing you call 'scientist'?" and get it into their heads that Rodney's Not a Man, but of course the SGA guys are just oblivious; and oh, say their hosts, let us now feast together so that we may share with you all the things we hope to offer in trade, and the guys are like, sure, yeah, let's party, and get unknowingly doped with aphrodisiacal drugs that have a complementary interaction, with the macho V1agraa! drug going to Lorne, Ronon, and John, and the "Let me just lie here and bottom like crazy for you" drug going to Rodney, and then sadly they're all terribly traumatized, and I can't figure out how to reach a happy ending.
Alizarin_NYC: rodney as david hewlett young dreamalizarin_nyc on December 14th, 2005 07:46 am (UTC)

Young, bruised and beautiful street-kid Rodney.

Aliens make them do it.

I love them and shall now go to sacrifice small children in hopes that the gods will pity me and you shall be moved to write them.
Anna S.: dh-street-kideliade on December 14th, 2005 08:00 am (UTC)
And you have a street-kid Rodney icon! Of great beauty. *sob*

Here is mine.

(Also, if you do sacrifice children, sacrifice the squawking ones.)

(no subject) - alizarin_nyc on December 15th, 2005 01:21 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - eliade on December 14th, 2005 11:51 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - alizarin_nyc on December 15th, 2005 01:20 am (UTC) (Expand)
Sophia: OTHER: dinosophia_helix on December 14th, 2005 07:49 am (UTC)
and he's got long hair and stubble and is stunning, like in this icon I'm using

Rodney turns into a dinosaur?

*evil cackle*
Anna S.: dino-rodneyeliade on December 14th, 2005 07:51 am (UTC)
Yes! Yes, he does. *facepalm* Ha. Fixed now. *g* Thank you for saying something. I'd been editing and apparently lost the icon while flipping back and forth.
fish_23 on December 14th, 2005 07:55 am (UTC)
One day I HAVE to find out what the hell SGA is!
Anna S.: dh-sleepyeliade on December 14th, 2005 08:01 am (UTC)
Simulated Goat Anu--actually, never mind.

*flees to bed*
(no subject) - fish_23 on December 14th, 2005 08:21 am (UTC) (Expand)
superheroes failing at oatmeal: this is my SQUEE facesome_stars on December 14th, 2005 09:46 am (UTC)
i will give you a kidney to write any of those but especially 2, oh GOD. a KIDNEY. ...should you ever need one. alternately, sexual favors; alternate-alternately, housework and assorted drudgery. SERIOUSLY. ANYTHING.
Anna S.: dh-sleepyeliade on December 14th, 2005 11:53 am (UTC)
I have so many offers of kidneys lately. I suppose I could lacquer them and make decorative living room arrangements. But I do like the sexual favors and drudgery proposal--reminds me of Astolat's arranged marriage AU, actually. *g* We shall fall in love, and you shall fly puddlejumpers, and some day *I'll* give *you* a kidney.

Also I just realized that you commentered here so when I told you about this in your own LJ, ignore that.

so. very. sleepy...
(no subject) - some_stars on December 14th, 2005 12:03 pm (UTC) (Expand)
yonmei on December 14th, 2005 09:51 am (UTC)
You taunt us and I hate you forever. I will give you a beautiful homemade cake and a cup of lovely coffee if you write 2.
Anna S.: cupcakeseliade on December 14th, 2005 11:55 am (UTC)
What kind of cake?! Chocolate? And can I have two cups of coffee? With lots of foam?

Ohhhh, you don't even know--you taunt ME because it is 4:00 a.m. and I'm sitting in my foodless apartment thinking desperately of your cake. DAMN YOU YONMEI DAMN YOU.

(I damn because I love, I love you so damn much--hey, I think I just wrote a Country & Western song.)
(no subject) - yonmei on December 14th, 2005 12:18 pm (UTC) (Expand)
Sorry we said fuck so much20thcenturyvole on December 14th, 2005 10:02 am (UTC)
Where do you keep your crack pipe, and may I borrow it please?
Anna S.: atlantis-blue-skyeliade on December 14th, 2005 12:01 pm (UTC)
It's the Alphorn of crack pipes. It actually reaches from my mouth to the ground, with a long phallic stem to trap the crack. Wow, that's dirty. Go google "Alphorn." I had to figure out what it was called but I just saved you the time--Alphorn!!!!!

Vera: rodney - milkshakecopracat on December 14th, 2005 10:04 am (UTC)
Your crack is the most cracktasticly crackful crack. I yearn inconsolably for the 15 year old Rodney story.

The last story will clearly have a happy ending after some tit for tat, so to speak, because Ronon really is a happy bottom and his trauma is from topping and he insists that Rodney fuck them all and does this giant guy/puppy eyes deal on Lorne and Sheppard to convince them that they should make with evening the score by letting Rodney fuck them too and Ronon is happy and Lorne is 'Okay, that works' and confuses Elizabeth and Canadian sargeant when he says something like, 'Oh Rodney is quite the swordsman', and Sheppard is a dirty holdout but it all works out in the end when Rodney flings himself on Sheppard's mercy because Ronon and Lorne are all up on his Rodney-fu and he's exhausted.

Or something like that.
Edmund Crankypants: Santa Hermiodanitac588 on December 14th, 2005 10:35 am (UTC)
Oh, the second one!! Wonderful h/c idea, yum.
Ditto: Spanderstretfordditto on December 14th, 2005 10:39 am (UTC)
I don't read SGA, so read '.... Horoscope' again last night. I think this might be the bestest Spander story ever ever ever.
(Deleted comment)
Anna S.: john pretty!eliade on December 14th, 2005 11:43 am (UTC)
Then, one day, she realises the South Pier -- because everything happens on the South Pier; it's one of the rules of the universe -- is long and even and perfect to gather momentum, with nothing but the rolling sea beyond the edge...

You are brilliantly attuned to the jellied-like substance inside my skull that pretends it is brain, because this is *exactly* how Rodney learned to fly on his return to Atlantis. *g*

Though after some research on the difference between air current behavior over ocean waves versus land I had to chuck my vision of Rodney sweeping out over the water--more likely he'd flit around the city towers.

I will not dash your lovely dreams by saying that the kid has no wings--oops. um. sorry. It's very late here. I SHOULD NOT BE UP. sad to be up. possibly am flying to bed now.
Neeryneery on December 14th, 2005 02:14 pm (UTC)
Wingfic. Ooh. That is such a big, big kink of mine, especially the way you describe it, with the freakshow and the cage.

And John likes to touch Rodney's wings and run his fingers through the feathers, and it freaks Rodney out, because he's gotten used to thinking of his wings as something awful and freaky, but John is all reverent and full of awe.
And then they sleep side by side with Rodney on his stomach and John curled up next to him, and Rodney protectively spreads one warm, soft wing over him.

Ahem. Yes. I'll be in my happy place, then.

Seriously, if you don't write these and I ever happen to be in a cracktastic mood, can I steal one of these ideas?
Explicit Adult Content? You're soaking in it!: guh dedyin_again on December 14th, 2005 03:59 pm (UTC)
And then they sleep side by side with Rodney on his stomach and John curled up next to him, and Rodney protectively spreads one warm, soft wing over him.

You just killed me.
(no subject) - neery on December 15th, 2005 08:11 pm (UTC) (Expand)
slashpileslashpile on December 14th, 2005 02:39 pm (UTC)
Okay, wings, yes, but the second one is breaking me. Just, owwwwwww.

You're writing it, yes? Pleasepleasepleasepleaseplease?
The Cake Maker of Kiev (could kick your ass): it's lonely at the top (SGA)ladyvyola on December 14th, 2005 02:50 pm (UTC)
#1? ::floves on you::

#2? Oh, baby -- so hot! (will sacrifice other people's children if you'll write this)

#3? Doesn't need an ending, happy or otherwise. It simply needs many, many, many chapters, particulary once the team returns to Atlantis, unwittingly bringing the aphrodisiacal drugs along with them....
Pouncer: Rodney cutethepouncer on December 14th, 2005 03:17 pm (UTC)
Was streetkid Rodney also a heroin junkie? Because then you will hit every single one of my kinks! I *want* the second one, something fierce.
"She Who Procrastinates": David H - One morelogovo on December 14th, 2005 04:13 pm (UTC)
*flails* Eeeeeeeee!!!!

*backs away*
Loligo: mcsheploligo on December 14th, 2005 03:45 pm (UTC)
Re #2: You know, they always say not to take candy from strangers, and that probably applies to homemade baked goods as well, but if you were feeling so incautious as to accept them, I would definitely send you some in exchange for #2.