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06 December 2005 @ 10:04 am
I'm getting a divorce.  
I woke up this morning and decided that's it. I'm leaving my body. Its wild mood swings, the lies--pretending to be starving to death just to get that piece of coconut pie--its refusal to fall asleep, its constant need to pee--really, just the overall shocking way it's aged over the last twenty years--I can't take it any more. It calls me "cerebral." I call it a tapped-out lazy self-indulgent whore. You think I'm being harsh, but I've been living with it for thirty-six years, plus that whole time-share womb period. Let's just call it irreconcilable differences.

If anyone knows where I can meet a nice body, twenty-two to twenty-four, with moderate hormones and a decent rack, please let me know. Thanks!

ETA: Edited to correct the time on this post.
snitches be crazy: rofl by slyphoxshighola on December 6th, 2005 03:58 pm (UTC)
*wipes tears from eyes*
Thank you for making my entire week!
Lobelia the adverbial: irreverent and sensiblelobelia321 on December 6th, 2005 04:07 pm (UTC)
I had two babies and then my body sagged. I was not happy! This lasted for ten years.

Last year, I started swimming once a week for 15 minute. I now am buff! I now look better than I did ten years ago! I am 43! Embrace the future!

22-year olds? Pshaw. The orgasms I had then compared to now... I'm telling you: you don't want to go back there.
Vickijacardie on December 6th, 2005 04:13 pm (UTC)
If you have any luck with this let me know. I'm seriously in need of a new body, too....
julia_herejulia_here on December 6th, 2005 04:58 pm (UTC)
If you're going to put the used body on Ebay after you find a new one, just give me closing bid? Because I'm willing to bet that whatever else is wrong, the left ankle, right knee and hip, and left shoulder are in better shape than the ones I'm using now.

Julia, and being flat-ish would be a nice change
Nashnashmaveric on December 6th, 2005 05:18 pm (UTC)
I've been trying to divorce my knee for the past oh, ten years or so. It continues to fight me ::pout::
Trepkos: Not a Slut by Catvampcrazinestrepkos on December 6th, 2005 05:19 pm (UTC)
I second lobelia's comment - it's never too late.
Your body just needs discipline!
Anna S.: jack-bristow-darkeliade on December 6th, 2005 05:20 pm (UTC)
So you're saying you want to discipline me? Hmmm...what are your qualifications? Can you give references? Do you own your own whip?
Trepkos: Sulk by Buffychittrepkos on December 6th, 2005 05:25 pm (UTC)
I own my own hole punch...
... but I can get a whip!
As for qualifications - I don't think my silver medal for sabre's going to cut it, as I was second out of 2 people... Bugger!

But I wanna!
Broken Mnemonic: atlantisloveimagechild on December 6th, 2005 06:27 pm (UTC)
wait wait--did someone say orgasms are gonna get better? HOT DAMN!! *slaps knee* *spends 20 minutes whining about hurt knee*

Is it appropriate for a 26-year old to trade hers in? I mean, we get along pretty well--but I'm noticing a few unsettling developments..in the well...settling department, if you will. Gravity, you jealous bitch.

Maybe we could all pool our resources and timeshare a 20-year old.

I think I read a slashfic like that once.
Pamgoosegirl9 on December 6th, 2005 11:04 pm (UTC)
You are describing my body! If I knew of such a body, I'd have snatched her up!