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27 November 2005 @ 09:26 pm
notes toward the worst sex ever  
I get a lot of cracked story ideas that I don't follow through on. I'll often cut my losses, jot those thoughts in LJ, and move on. I may still write this though. I'm not sure yet. I've been restless. When I get like this, I just want to fling stuff away in flaky frustrated avoidance. And then I usually end up watching Mystery Science Theater.

the story I might write about the very bad sex had by john and rodney

It wasn't the aftermath of close calls when their bodies were shaking with life, but the slack times between missions when they got bored.

So one day...

John is in Rodney's room, eyes nearly shut, endearingly hungry as he bangs away at Rodney, who is bent over his desk, pants down, both hands braced.

John, breathlessly: "Want me to give you a hand?"

Rodney, sharp and intense, and distracted as if focused on something that might or might not be the sex they're having: "Shut up!"

John: *keeps twist-banging away, groaning as he gets closer*

Rodney: "Right there, no, *there*--"

John: "Damn, you're pushy."

Rodney: "Stop! This isn't working for me."

John, high-pitched, close to pain at the thought of stopping: "Excuse me?"

Rodney makes him pull out, peels the condom off, kneels and sucks him off fast, focusing on the head. John shouts when he comes.

After he's finished, Rodney gets up, does up his pants, grimacing, adjusting himself. John is like, wtf? Rodney, frowny, says he always comes later, alone. He replays the sex, but gets himself off. Why? Because no one else knows how to do it the way he likes it. John gapes and maybe laughs at this but after wrangling is persuaded to give up on the idea. Shakes his head in bemusement and leaves.

Later, John lies on his bed, legs crossed at the ankles with his boots still on, one arm behind his head, the other resting on his belly, and does his own mental replay of events as he stares at the ceiling. Rodney is the worst lay ever, he thinks, marveling: selfish, self-absorbed, everything impatiently hastened along, over with fast. The food here is terrible, and the portions are too small.

John goes back for more.

John: "Have you ever thought of, I don't know, taking off your clothes to have sex?"

Rodney: *aghast at the idea*

Another time, John: "Don't you ever want to do more than this?"

"Like what?"

"I don't know...kiss?"

Rodney, confused: "I don't understand. Was this supposed to be a romance? You didn't say this was a romance. You said 'helping each other out.'"

"It's not a *romance*, but--"

"You're getting off, I'm getting off. I'm just doing it on my own timetable. We're both happy, right? What's the big deal?"

One night John sneaks in while Rodney is sleeping and gently restrains his hands, and Rodney wakes up all muzzy and like, hello, wtf? John sits on him and rubs his back seductively. "That's, that's rub rape!" Rodney fumes in outrage. John sweet-talks him into grumbling sufferance, but when he tries to go down on him from the back, maybe to rim him into submission, Rodney keeps his legs closed and tries to buck him off.

"You're a really difficult lay," John complains in his reedy, whiniest voice, exhausted already. He's sweaty and rumpled and Rodney is sweaty and the sheets are rumpled, and John's beginning to realize that there's no likely pay-off here.

"Yes! Yes, I am. So you should stop now. Go away and let me sleep. I need to fix--*insert blah blah blah of techno babble here*--in the morning."

Or he manages to get down there and rim Rodney, and make Rodney fuck his hand, and for a while it seems like it's going well, and then Rodney seizes up and gives a long porny groan and sighs. "That was great. Really great. Untie me, please."

"You don't expect me to believe you *came*, do you? Rodney, that was *awful*. That was the worst faked orgasm *ever*. Plus, you're a *man*. You think I can't tell?"

"Look, I *told* you. I only come by myself. I should have said something before we started this, and I apologize. If you want to stop--" Falters a bit, makes brave face, lifts chin. "I'll understand of course."

John is all, hmmfff, and says maybe that's for the best, but sooner or later he turns up again, horny and restive. At some point he suggests, maybe not for the first time, that Rodney just jerk off in front of him. "It could be fun."

Rodney resists. After a while he reveals a bit more: that he doesn't like people to see him when he's all caught up in what he's feeling. He feels self-conscious. He says he had bad and traumatizing early experiences of this kind, which John secretly imagines as perfectly ordinary experiences that Rodney blew up to outsized proportions in his mind. But at this point so late in his life, Rodney assures him, it's a thing, a habit. Too late to change.

And then something else, something else....
 
 
 
bibliokatbibliokat on November 28th, 2005 05:37 am (UTC)
Well if you ever decide to write this, I will definitely read it and most likely love it! Those something elses really caught my attention;)

Actually my favorite part is Rodney trying to fake an orgasm *giggles*
Anna S.eliade on November 28th, 2005 06:23 am (UTC)
*g* Thank you.
"Smokin' hot.": boys mickeymwithout_me on November 28th, 2005 05:42 am (UTC)
Not my fandom, but mmmmmm, you always could write.
Anna S.: jack-bristow-neweliade on November 28th, 2005 06:24 am (UTC)
I always *could* write, but I so often end up washing my dishes and zoning out on TV commercials instead. Hmph.
Explicit Adult Content? You're soaking in it!yin_again on November 28th, 2005 05:43 am (UTC)
which John secretly imagines as perfectly ordinary experiences that Rodney blew up to outsized proportions in his mind

Bwahahaha! That's probably so very true.

I've mentioned the part where I love how your mind works, right?
Anna S.: dh-sleepyeliade on November 28th, 2005 06:26 am (UTC)
Smile of aww. :) *hugs*

Oh and hey, please remember to comment on every one of my posts with that icon, by the way, okay?thanks! *lust*
abbyleeabbylee on November 28th, 2005 05:47 am (UTC)
um, excuse me? Where's the rest of that not-story?

*taps foot impatiently*

I hate that you can totally get my head into these little bits.

Also, I'd like you to know that I'm in the midst of doing some fandom rec organization, and you are ENTIRELY to blame for the fact that I need a Jack/Vaughn section.
Anna S.: sydney-bristoweliade on November 28th, 2005 06:27 am (UTC)
Also, I'd like you to know that I'm in the midst of doing some fandom rec organization, and you are ENTIRELY to blame for the fact that I need a Jack/Vaughn section.

*is so happy* *glee* I have a happy Sydney Bristow grin. I don't have quite the icon for that, but I'll pick the closest one.
Helenhelenish on November 28th, 2005 05:47 am (UTC)
DAMN.

okay

1. They could get drunk.
2. They could go to some planet where John, in a romantically darkened hut, someplace, has to give it to Rodney So GOOD or they'll kill Ronon or something.
3. John brings himself off alone and realizes it's excellent and Rodney is RIGHT.
4. Pretty much at the same time that Rodney realizes he wants to grow and change and all that.
5. They have a threesome with a hot alien princess who solves all their problems in bed.
Anna S.: john pretty!eliade on November 28th, 2005 05:51 am (UTC)
3. John brings himself off alone and realizes it's excellent and Rodney is RIGHT.

*snerk*

5. They have a threesome with a hot alien princess who solves all their problems in bed.

Ah, Ma'ari Soue just has a way about her...
Cesperanzacesperanza on November 28th, 2005 05:54 am (UTC)
Uh--guh? And guh again?
Anna S.: boy with milkeliade on November 28th, 2005 06:23 am (UTC)
Ho! I love seeing your Yuletide icon. *g* And I always love when I pry a comment from you, my tiny clam. Beloved clam!
Irresponsible Joneslemmealone on November 28th, 2005 06:17 am (UTC)
I don't even read SGA, but I'm oddly invested in your bad sex.

*hunts down pictures*
Anna S.: john pretty!eliade on November 28th, 2005 06:21 am (UTC)
Oh! Look! Look! This guy below is Rodney (well, the actor isn't *being* Rodney at that moment, but never mind) and the guy in the icon I'm using for this comment is John.

(no subject) - lemmealone on November 28th, 2005 06:28 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - eliade on November 28th, 2005 06:36 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - lemmealone on November 28th, 2005 06:43 am (UTC) (Expand)
Sophia: MOVIES: Jedisophia_helix on November 28th, 2005 07:01 am (UTC)
You! You and Hal! Why do you people write stories that I read even though I don't have the slightest familiarity with the fanon? Anime tennis boys! Outer-space men! If there's sex and one of you wrote it, I read it!

::is a big pushover 4 smut::

Now, if you'd just worked in that tiny turtle....
Anna S.eliade on November 28th, 2005 07:19 am (UTC)
Now, if you'd just worked in that tiny turtle....

You are strange and disturbing. And you make me want to write it. Crawling across John's belly so that he shrieks like a girl when he wakes and sees it, and Rodney scoops his pet out of the falling arm of doom just in the nick of time and cradles and sort of croons to it, though his crooning is like anything that comes from his mouth, rather impatient and sarcastic and articulate.
(Deleted comment)
Anna S.: monkeyeliade on November 28th, 2005 07:23 am (UTC)
Re: I love love love that Rodney is a terrible partner in bed
My knee is moments from being under the covers where you'd have to follow it and become smothered by the down coverlets of my winter bed. Just forewarning, in case you wake up in a pouf of feathers and wonder when you turned into a duck, my darling.
Alizarin_NYC: rodney close your eyesalizarin_nyc on November 28th, 2005 07:09 am (UTC)
GUH. *licks computer screen*

**licks your brain**

I SO very much want to read the part where John brings Rodney around. Yes, I do. With much angst aforehand! And porn. There must be more of thishere porn.
Anna S.: dh-peaceeliade on November 28th, 2005 07:25 am (UTC)
John holds up a handful of three Powerbars, the last remaining bars that Rodney had scoured the city for, not to be restocked until three months from now when the Daedelus returns. John holds them up out of reach. "Let's begin negotiations..."
(no subject) - bibliokat on November 28th, 2005 09:48 pm (UTC) (Expand)
yonmei on November 28th, 2005 08:28 am (UTC)
Oh god, yes.

(I have just spent writing an entire NOVEL full of sex scenes which are bad sex. It was strangely compelling. Sadly, my first-line beta reader is now CONVINCED I am kinky for bad sex, and as she is kinky for John and Rodney, I have to send her a link to this not-a-story - which she will LOVE - and she will be even more convinced that I am kinky for bad sex. Woe.)

I'm not kinky for bad sex. It's just strangely appropriate and compelling sometimes. Like here.
Anna S.: rodney-angeleliade on November 30th, 2005 06:32 pm (UTC)
(I have just spent writing an entire NOVEL full of sex scenes which are bad sex.

Wow! That's dedication.

Sadly, my first-line beta reader is now CONVINCED I am kinky for bad sex, and as she is kinky for John and Rodney, I have to send her a link to this not-a-story - which she will LOVE - and she will be even more convinced that I am kinky for bad sex. Woe.

Oh, you should just tell her that you've never had bad sex, so you have to research to understand what it's like. *g*
(no subject) - neery on December 14th, 2005 09:14 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - yonmei on December 14th, 2005 09:38 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(Deleted comment)
Anna S.: sydney-vampeliade on November 28th, 2005 03:36 pm (UTC)
Wait, now I want a story with a sexually dysfunctional John.

Oh, here's one! Ronon actually has a really small dick.

Hey, this is fun! How about the one where Carson has a fungus he can't get rid of? *eg*


You are so mean! You mock me! ...are you wearing shiny thigh-high boots, by any chance? *lick*
(Deleted comment)
SPACE GANDALF: McKay what? - nihil_esttrinityofone on November 28th, 2005 10:34 am (UTC)
Yes, in his youth, Rodney KILLED SOMEONE with the force of their shared orgasm. Now he must always come alone. *sniff*

By which I really mean, *snerk*. With a fair dose of, "Uh-oh, why am I so turned on by the bad sex?" in there, too. ;-)
Anna S.: rodney-happy-smileeliade on November 28th, 2005 03:39 pm (UTC)
Yes, in his youth, Rodney KILLED SOMEONE with the force of their shared orgasm. Now he must always come alone. *sniff*

Ha! But now...hmm. I am imagining a series of unfortunate events, which Rodney has come to think of as a curse. Like where he was going down on a woman and she squeezed too hard and broke his nose, and another time he fainted after sex and woke up horrified to see paramedics standing over his bed, and another time where he and a girl are pathetically easy drunks and wind up having sex on the main quad at night and then pass out, and wake up the next morning to find themselves naked surrounded by policemen and gawking laughing students. And Rodney gets grilled to make sure he didn't commit date rape.

AND HE NEVER HAS SEX AGAIN. ...until John.
(no subject) - trinityofone on November 28th, 2005 04:06 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - teaphile on November 29th, 2005 02:42 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - neery on December 14th, 2005 09:19 pm (UTC) (Expand)
The Spikespike21 on November 28th, 2005 10:35 am (UTC)
*quietly freaks out about this one*

If you wrote it, I'd have to read it a million times and NEVER TELL YOU!!!!
Anna S.: john-devileliade on November 30th, 2005 06:33 pm (UTC)
I have hit a rich mixed vein of kink-squick, it sounds like. *g*
Pet: Greg boysexapetslife on November 28th, 2005 12:16 pm (UTC)
BAHAHAHAAHA.

Oh man. I love badsex stories more than anything, because, y'know. Badsex happens all the time in real life and yet so rarely in fic that it feels like a special treat. *grin* This one is particularly fantastic, because one can see the hope of goodsex coming just over the hill over there, like the sun coming up...

Lovely lovely! Please write more. :)
Anna S.: rodney-bweliade on November 30th, 2005 06:33 pm (UTC)
Lovely lovely! Please write more. :)

I'd like to! Maybe I will! *tries to pep-talk self*