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08 November 2005 @ 06:25 pm
[insert subject line that perfectly expresses the singularity of my soul]  
I can't seem to get up from my office chair and leave. It turns dark at five o'clock now, and feels later than that. And I should be heading to the gym--I need to go. Need. To. Go. But I don't even want to schlep myself aboard the cross-town bus to go home, let alone go somewhere and sweat in front of other people and then resume my commute in the dark and the rain.



I didn't go to AA today as I'd planned to. I wanted to keep my momentum on the work I was doing. It feels like I had an evenly balanced choice. I mean, a witch weighs as much as a duck. Each choice had an upside and a downside, coming out about the same. But I'm so behind in work. And if I really wanted to go to other meetings, there are plenty, every day, all times of day. There are even meetings online. (Hmm. I need to look into that, actually.) I just really like that one.

There is an AA center pretty close to where I live, and they offer women-only and gay-friendly meetings along with other kinds; but I don't like the room. That sounds picky, but it's drab and depressing, with cinderblock walls, and they keep the overhead lights turned off, so it's really dark. They also don't sit in a circle--two women always sit up on a raised platform like lecturers to run the meeting, apart from everyone else. It makes me pissy to go there. Which sucks, because it's really the most convenient place.

I've been taking Adderall again to focus at work. Not every day, but I've taken it maybe 5-6 times during the last two weeks. I know I shouldn't, because of the blood pressure issue, but when work gets rocky and I feel like I'm going under, it's so helpful, far beyond anything else--mostly because it's immediate. I mean, duh. Amphetamine. I talked to Psych Guy about it. I said I knew it probably wasn't usual practice to take it on an as-needed basis, but if he was okay with prescribing it on those terms, I'd like to continue to have it available for occasional use. And he was okay with it. My GP would kill me with his kindly eyes if he knew though.

I worked all day today--straight through, not really stopping, except for the ratlike lever-pressing pellet-addiction of refreshing LJ constantly. And now I'm still sitting here in my cubicle, refreshing LJ and e-mail in a vacant-eyed way. I'm so bored lately--I haven't really stressed that in my posts, but it's this underlying emoscape of beige blah--and I'm getting fed up with my apartment and my DVD-VCR. And yet I still don't want to go to the gym.

When I idly google-imaged "monochrome" just now (this is what I *do* with my life) I found this photographer's Web site. I love the Internet. It tries to give me what I fail to give myself.

*pause*

*crickets chirp*

OMG I AM SO DEEP!

So deep that I must write poetry.

Poem for a November Tuesday, 6:29 p.m.
"Orbes volantes exstare!"

It is night, now I will go.
There is a bus waiting for me,
as there is for all of us. But mine
is the 545, and nicer than yours.

People board, people bored--do they germinate?
I mean, do they have germs? Right now? Are they sitting
near me?

A man sings, a woman laughs, talk rises like champagne bubbles, higher, lighter--
SHUT THE HELL UP.

The loons are flying. There is a tangerine on my desk,
and The Chicago Manual of Style. Peanut butter, bobby pins, a
phone--I will list everything. CDs, a nail file, a Tornado pen.
No, really, everything. Napkins, a pair of scissors, my checkbook--
oh never mind.

I will never rise from this chair, I will never rise.
Like bread or a soul ascending to heaven, never.
I was just being facetious there, by the way.
I don't really believe in heaven.
I can also write better poems than this.
But you can't see them!
You might steal them!
And sell them for, god, I don't know--a dollar, maybe!
Maybe even a contributor's copy!

The life of a poet is like a tangerine.
Oblate, with a porous rind.

I'm hungry now, and so
this poem is over.
 
 
 
Explicit Adult Content? You're soaking in it!: i got nothin'yin_again on November 9th, 2005 02:50 am (UTC)
There is a bus waiting for me,
as there is for all of us. But mine
is the 545, and nicer than yours.


I love your brain. It's oblate, with a porous rind.
Anna S.: ronon2eliade on November 9th, 2005 05:48 am (UTC)
It's oblate, with a porous rind.

You're right. My god, that works on so many levels! I am a baklava of many layers.

*hugs the puppy*
(Deleted comment)
Anna S.: atlantis-blue-skyeliade on November 9th, 2005 05:49 am (UTC)
Weevil! I don't know who he is, but he loves me! And thus my day ends happy. :)

(But I love that you love me more. I mean...more than that, I love that you love me. Also, I love you. Also, perhaps I should go to bed soon. *g*)
(Deleted comment)
Vera: rodney- trinitycopracat on November 9th, 2005 02:57 am (UTC)
Do you mean 'singularity of my soul' as in precious individual snowflake or as in sucking black hole?

I was just wondering.
Anna S.: john-floaty-dotseliade on November 9th, 2005 05:49 am (UTC)
Do you mean 'singularity of my soul' as in precious individual snowflake or as in sucking black hole?

Exactly.

heh
(no subject) - eliade on November 9th, 2005 05:50 am (UTC) (Expand)
Rebecca: Rather Just Sing - poisoninjestnikitangel on November 9th, 2005 03:52 am (UTC)
That is the BEST POEM I read all day!
Anna S.: jack oneilleliade on November 9th, 2005 05:51 am (UTC)
But did you read any of Shakespeare's sonnets today? That's the question nagging at my mind....
Anaxila / Babblesanaxila on November 9th, 2005 04:12 am (UTC)
phone--I will list everything. CDs, a nail file, a Tornado pen.

Tornado pen!
Anna S.: harry-pottereliade on November 9th, 2005 05:51 am (UTC)
Yes! :D I thought of you as I wrote that.
globalfruitbatglobalfruitbat on November 9th, 2005 04:28 am (UTC)
thank you for that link -- the 'water autopgraph' is now my desktop background.

And also, *mega big hugs*.
Anna S.: rodney-happy-smileeliade on November 9th, 2005 05:52 am (UTC)
Aren't they gorgeous images? There are so many cool people in the world.

And also, *mega big hugs*

*hugs back*

Fruitbats of happiness!
(no subject) - globalfruitbat on November 9th, 2005 07:12 am (UTC) (Expand)
Sarahdingosatemyblog on November 9th, 2005 04:30 am (UTC)
Love it! You're such a word smith.
I wish I could be better at words.
Anna S.: john-rodney-intenseeliade on November 9th, 2005 05:53 am (UTC)
I started out small, practicing with worms first. Chopping them up, that kind of thing. I use a thesaurus a lot too. (Bad memory, mostly. :)
ex_dovil323 on November 9th, 2005 04:47 am (UTC)
That's one hell of a poem. This particularly:

A man sings, a woman laughs, talk rises like champagne bubbles, higher, lighter--
SHUT THE HELL UP.


Touched me soul.

You are right to not go to that meeting place if the vibe isn't right, you wont be able to concentrate and you'll spend your time analysing the bricks for flaws. But look into the on-line one, it might be the perfect solution.

How about putting in your computer diary times in the day to look into this, and maybe for the gym so you get back to that easy unthinking habit? I know, I'm not your mother, but for gods sake put on clean underwear.
Anna S.: tas-devileliade on November 9th, 2005 05:55 am (UTC)
Touched me soul.

Thank you. I touched myself, even.

How about putting in your computer diary times in the day to look into this, and maybe for the gym so you get back to that easy unthinking habit?

Oh, you want me to do *hard* *stuff*. Damn you, smart person! The other day I blocked out time on my calendar at work to get away from my desk and pay some bills. Of course the appointment time came and went. I just ignored it. What I really need is a trained attack dog. Not that it'd help me to pay my bills. I could just sic it on people and feel better.
(no subject) - trepkos on November 9th, 2005 02:47 pm (UTC) (Expand)
Raven: busy dreamingraveninthewind on November 9th, 2005 05:35 am (UTC)
I like your bus poem. (Once I move, I'll be a 545er, too.)

Online Twelve Step meetings? Must tell the Boy. He doesn't know these things, I think; the Pagan and Buddhist Twelve Steps were a surprise to him.
Anna S.: lanterneliade on November 9th, 2005 05:57 am (UTC)
Online Twelve Step meetings? Must tell the Boy. He doesn't know these things, I think; the Pagan and Buddhist Twelve Steps were a surprise to him.

It makes sense, doesn't it? I'm surprised it didn't occur to me to look before now, while I was looking for mailing lists and stuff like that. My thoughts are like slowly dripping sap from the maple of my mind.

*cough*
SpikeLuva: bsg // toastersspikeluva on November 9th, 2005 05:36 am (UTC)
Greatest poem EVER.

I've been doing the same with my depression meds. I can't seem to take them every day, but I don't usually feel the need. A couple times a month I start the downward spiral, then pop a few and the next day feel better. Works for me! *nods*
Anna S.: rodney-turtleeliade on November 9th, 2005 06:02 am (UTC)
Greatest poem EVER.

Thank you! <lie> It's a pastiche of Christopher Marlowe of course. </lie> "But day's bright beams doth vanish fast away / like deceiving ads that dance upon screens..."

How can I have so little time and yet too much time on my hands? Time enough to be this inane? I should be writing something Big and Important.

*refreshes flist in hope of porn*
(no subject) - trepkos on November 9th, 2005 02:49 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - spikeluva on November 9th, 2005 06:53 pm (UTC) (Expand)
timian on November 9th, 2005 11:55 am (UTC)
As we share a deep love for Garrison Keillor, I thought I'd ask if you'd like a few of his Lake Woebegone narrations. I can only upload via YouSendIt, but still, it might make some of the hard times a bit easier. It works for me sometimes.
Anna S.: john-floaty-dotseliade on November 14th, 2005 02:13 am (UTC)
Sure! (She said belatedly. *g*) *hugs*
(no subject) - timian on November 16th, 2005 02:18 pm (UTC) (Expand)
Herself_nycherself_nyc on November 9th, 2005 03:37 pm (UTC)
:: hugs you ::

And I know what you mean about the AA room. Although I've never attended a 12 step mtg (and I've attended MANY) that was in a nice room! They're all dreadful. You just gotta suck it up.
Anna S.: monkeyeliade on November 14th, 2005 02:14 am (UTC)
I will suck it up through a straw, but only if it's chocolate flavored. Mmm, where have all the cookies gone....
Alizarin_NYC: faith dancingalizarin_nyc on November 9th, 2005 04:37 pm (UTC)
A man sings, a woman laughs, talk rises like champagne bubbles, higher, lighter--
SHUT THE HELL UP.


This really spoke to me. It is exactly how I feel on my NYC buses that are NOT as nice as yours.

Everyone is bored. The world is boring. It is our duty to exist and endeavor to entertain ourselves. With LJ, with food, with porn. With poetry!!!
Anna S.: kitteneliade on November 14th, 2005 02:15 am (UTC)
With naked bacchanalia! ...or maybe not.
Pamgoosegirl9 on November 9th, 2005 04:45 pm (UTC)
I love your poem.
kittygoslingp on November 11th, 2005 12:41 am (UTC)
Just for your info, tried to go to your website from office and home with no luck.
Anna S.: john-floaty-dotseliade on November 11th, 2005 01:37 am (UTC)
Do you mean the photographer's web site mentioned here, or drizzle.com? It might have just been an intermittent problem. I haven't noticed any problems with drizzle access.
(no subject) - eliade on November 11th, 2005 04:57 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - eliade on November 11th, 2005 11:50 pm (UTC) (Expand)