I went to AA for the first time in months this afternoon. The group facilitator--D., a young guy who reminds me of one of my first crushes, but also a bit of my little brother--told a story about something that had happened to him over the past few days. One of his girlfriend's exes showed up, someone he couldn't stand. D. built up a head of steam about it; a mutual friend made some remark about it and D. was so enraged he got in his face and wanted to hit him. And then the ex called him up, to actually speak to D., who at first couldn't believe his nerve; and then the guy told him that he'd overdosed the week before, and was getting treatment now. And D. said that he felt all his rage suddenly evaporate and he felt so incredibly happy for the guy. And he was telling us this in the meeting and his voice kept locking up, and he'd fall silent for several moments until he could control himself, and he was trying so hard not to cry--his voice kept breaking. He said he was so incredibly grateful that he'd reached a point where he could feel this, and not be consumed and boxed in by resentment and rage. What he was saying got me crying and I had a hard time stifling it so that I wouldn't distract from what he was saying. I'd probably have said more than I did in the meeting, but I was afraid I'd start crying again, so I only said a few words at the end. But I have a lot to talk about, so maybe next week.
It was good to get to a meeting. I've had it blocked out on my Outlook calendar at work as a recurring weekly thing, but every week I've been deleting it. I've been meaning to go, but usually I'd feel like I couldn't let myself leave the office--guilt--while at the same time taking long lunches and otherwise wasting time. Other times I just didn't want to go. I still haven't found a sponsor or really adopted the program. I guess if I procrastinate in everything else in my life, it's not surprising I'd do the same with this. I need to ________. I need to _________. I need to x, y, z.
I also wanted to say important things about my breakfast this morning, but maybe another time.
There's that "Ask me what happens after the end of one of my stories" meme going around. thisisbone did this one and wrote, I'll see if anything pops to mind, and I'll try not to just have it be "...and they lived happily ever after." I told her that's why I couldn't do the meme, because: All my stories end in: "Then they made sweet, sweet love and bought a house and got a cat and lived happily ever after." Plus half of you would probably ask about noir, and I'd wince and pull my cloak across my face and duck into the nearest sewer tunnel, returning to the shameful depths from whence I came.
But I don't know. I need something to distract me. Ask me about any story *but* noir, and I'll try to come up with some vague thoughts.