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21 September 2005 @ 05:53 pm
hardish hardly hardlike hard stuff; sga rec.  

I'm so tired. I'm dumb with tiredness. I barely slept last week; I didn't sleep last night. Went to the doctor's this afternoon with a laundry list of miscellaneous bleargh: bleak insomnia, trouble swallowing, the sudden materialization of acid reflux (burning, burps, and madness), reflux-related vomiting, nosebleeds, did I mention insomnia. And my blood pressure's still up, and my heart rate, while the rest of me is down with depression. It's all so much fun that I want to twirl until I collapse in a lifeless heap. I was so stupid with tired this afternoon that I forgot the word "hypochondriac" in the middle of telling my doctor that I might just have fatal familial insomnia. I gave my doctor, who is an extremely nice guy, printed web articles for his reference. Why not. It's incurable, but at least I'd have the satisfaction of saying "I told you so" before the dementia hits.

Meanwhile, I look at my inbox, the one that I started fresh in May of 2004 when I got a new computer and adopted the Mozilla mail client, vowing at the time that I'd never let it get full again, that I'd reply to anyone who wrote me. Today: 1120 messages, 170 unread messages, 502 unanswered LJ comments, and countless e-mails from incredibly nice people who will probably never hear from me, dating back to...May of 2004. Go, me.

I swear to all three of you who've read this far that this isn't a whining post. It's actually just the witless filling of time between now and nine-thirtyish, which seems a good time to go to bed. I'm trying to stay awake until it's time to go to bed. Because once again I have Ambien, sweet Ambien, and some hope that my neural network might be back online again tomorrow.

liviapenn saved my life this morning, possibly literally, because if her extraordinary, moving, life-affirming story Small Primes and Square Roots hadn't been there at 5:22 a.m. when I pried myself from that useless mattress, I might not have been uplifted enough in spirits to even lift my head, and could have walked off a curb and into the path of a whizzing male-ego machine with open windows and ear-walloping stereos, death death death.

When really I'm meant to die of fatal familial insomnia, which by the way is a second-cousin relative of Mad Cow, also known as Bovine Spongiform Encephalopathy, because who doesn't love typing a phrase with the words "bovine" and "spongiform" in it. FFI isn't cow-transmitted, though. Which is good to know, though "She died by cow" might not be a bad epitaph. I'll bequeath my LJ password to a trustworthy someone, who can rename it that, and leave my words as an electronic legacy, so that someday when literary historians are writing their dissertations ("Web Journaling's Millennial Infancy: A Synchronic Study of Performatives in the Social and Semiotic Matrix") they can amuse themselves by citing me:
She died by cow. "hardish hardly hardlike hard stuff; sga rec," She died by cow's Journal (World Wide Web: LiveJournal, 2005), September 21, 2005, E424536.
And my god I can't wait to sleep and escape the lemurs that have set up camp in my bathtub, and the squirrel that keeps running up my leg. There is a very loud amusement park right in front of my present lodgings. Um. Good night.
WesleysGirl: SGAwesleysgirl on September 22nd, 2005 12:58 am (UTC)
Oh, I just read "Small Primes and Square Roots" a couple of hours ago -- so good! I'm such a sucker for domestic-type fic. Color me curtain-... er, shaded. *Hides face*
Anna S.: blair-gaze-downeliade on September 22nd, 2005 01:10 am (UTC)
Isn't it just amazing? Unless I'm forgetting stuff from older fandoms (which is very possible, let's not talk about my memo, meme, memor--whatever that word is--any more), this story and Astolat's "A Beautiful Lifetime Event" are the only two "kidfics" I've ever clutched to my non-maternal bosom, and hey, they are both in SGA. Hmm. But now I want people to point out other endearing kid and baby stories to me.

*grabs passers-by by collars and begs for recs*
WesleysGirl: SGAwesleysgirl on September 22nd, 2005 01:14 am (UTC)
Oh! Oh!

Julad's Thicker Than Water is great. The kids are Rodney's nephews, but it's a wonderful story and all about the downtime.
Jack Pride: X: Ednawin! (gloriousdaze)jack_pride on September 29th, 2005 12:06 am (UTC)
You are wonderful. I've been wanting to reread this story for days and couldn't remember who the author was.

Girl with Spoon2am_optimism on September 22nd, 2005 08:50 am (UTC)
How about cesperanza's 'With 6 you get eggroll'? That was the first kidfic that I read and loved, and yeah, LOVED Small primes to the extent that I broke my cardinal rule and read fanfic at work *facepalm*

*slinks off*
gianna24gianna24 on September 22nd, 2005 01:02 am (UTC)
Alright. What meds are you on? What type of doctors are you seeing? Like you are in a bad place and I (a person who barely knows you)am really concerned. I don't think it sounds like you are getting the medical attention that you need. If you'd like to chat (I've dealt with the whole depression, anxiety, ADD vicious circle myself)my AIM name is GrtJane7. I'm sorry if I'm sticking my nose where it's unwanted but I'm worried.
Anna S.: foraminiferaeliade on September 22nd, 2005 01:07 am (UTC)
You're sweet. *hugs* Your nose is not unwanted. My GP, who I saw today, is actually very good and has all the right concerns--is emphatic that I need to stop taking Adderall, which is probably still contributing to my high BP and heart rate; is upping my BP dosage in the meantime; wants me to talk to my psych guy about the ADD and antidepression meds; gave me the right advice on all my misc issues, etc. He's seriously very, very good. I'm just going through the turmoil of trying to get the right balance of meds right now, I think.

(On the other hand, my psychiatrist prescriber--you're right about that. He doesn't engender much confidence in me.)

I don't chat much online; it's an addiction I had to break myself of. (One of so very very many.) But if I ever need to, I'll come and give you my own nose. :)
Moral Whiplashbkwyrm on September 22nd, 2005 01:07 am (UTC)
My husband was tired all the time and beginning to wonder if he was losing his mind for a while there....and then I managed to get him into the ear, nose and throat doctor and lo and behold, sleep apnea. Now it's a little like sleeping with Darth Vader (who is wearing a snorkle rather than a mask), but he's much perkier.
Moral Whiplashbkwyrm on September 22nd, 2005 01:09 am (UTC)
Also, thank you for the rec, I had not seen it. I am also very tired, but I have a small tadpole swimming around in me that appears to be sucking out all my energy. It's also giving me heartburn, but I can't take anything for the digestive issues because I don't want to damage the tadpole. Grrr.
I wish you much luck with the medical fun and games.
Anna S.: johnereliade on September 22nd, 2005 01:12 am (UTC)
Yes. The apnea thing is so incredibly likely. It's only my inertia that has kept me from making a sleep-clinic appt for testing. I really need to do so; I know two people who recently had this diagnosed in the last year, and both of them are awed by the results of using the CPAP.
Moral Whiplashbkwyrm on September 22nd, 2005 01:25 am (UTC)
The spouse says it saved his brain, and probably his job.
But the mask? Weirdly unsexy, despite my love for Darth Vader.
witlingwitling on September 22nd, 2005 01:20 am (UTC)
::pets you::
"I don't care how delicious he is, he's EVIL!": sga rononshrift on September 22nd, 2005 02:32 am (UTC)
Despite all the health problems (and I do sympathize -- although I only have hay fever and that's just so MINOR), I want to reassure you on a certain point.

Today: 1120 messages, 170 unread messages, 502 unanswered LJ comments, and countless e-mails from incredibly nice people who will probably never hear from me, dating back to...May of 2004. Go, me.

I don't even WANT to look at my unanswered e-mail and lj comments. Because. Well. If I did count them up, I'd be forced to conclude that I am the shittiest shitheel to ever be shitty.

I have 781 unread e-mail messages in one inbox ALONE. I have, like, ten or fifteen inboxes.

I hope you feel better. Me, I'm going to grab a snack from the kitchen and then go find some porn to read. And not answer my e-mail.
Alizarin_NYC: qaf meepalizarin_nyc on September 22nd, 2005 03:13 am (UTC)
Yo, Ambien. Rulz...zzzzzzz.

It's been my drug of choice for nigh on 7 years and I just take it every night, regardless of how I feel. EVERY NIGHT. No excuses. I take it, read, sleep, I don't even wait to see if I'm tired or whatever. It's really helped to just have one less thing to worry about.

Stick with the docs... until you get this sorted. You sound kind of "not good" and we worry, here on the Internet, we do!

Delete the unread LJ messages. Save the others to a folder for when you're old and gray and have nothing better to do. Anyone who reads your LJ or your fic, knows that you mean well and that you don't go nuts on the reply button. It's okay. It's no big deal in the whole scheme of things.

And geez... look at shrift! We ALL have things we mean to do and just don't do! You should see what I'm supposed to be doing when I'm replying to LJ comments.
buddleia: BraveButGeekybuddleia on September 22nd, 2005 08:28 am (UTC)
Just general supportive love vibe stuff. And don't reply!
Sylvikefishsanwitt on September 22nd, 2005 02:53 pm (UTC)
Take care.

laurashapiro on September 22nd, 2005 05:13 pm (UTC)
It's no wonder that your body's breaking down -- lack of sleep will do that. Thank goodness for the Ambien. A couple of nights' good rest should get the dumbness, reflux, and general ickiness under control.

I get *terrible* physical symptoms when I'm not sleeping. Bleah.

Feel better, toots.
Kristinadesoto_hia873 on September 22nd, 2005 05:40 pm (UTC)
I've never heard of fatal familial insomnia before. I'd better not show that link to my father, who *is* a hypochondriac and will be convinced he has it within seconds.

In any event, lack of sleep can make you feel like you're losing your mind. I wish I didn't know this from experience. I hope the Ambien helps. And no need to reply!
ruthless1ruthless1 on September 22nd, 2005 06:07 pm (UTC)
Can I just point something out? Even when you are not doing very well - you are still damned funny. "she died by cow"! snerk
You have more wit and whimsey in your little pinky than I see in a whole week. Humor under pressure can be sign of some tiny sort of mental health....can't it?
I am always an advocate of 5 elements chinese acupuncuture. It saved my bacon for sure. And I always feel so much better after each session. And no - the needles don't hurt.
Raven: Emily Meraveninthewind on September 22nd, 2005 06:58 pm (UTC)
Jack Pride: SGA: iLove (glaelia)jack_pride on September 29th, 2005 12:04 am (UTC)
Your 502 unanswered LJ comments make me feel so much better about the three that I've been meaning to respond to for the past two weeks. I *want* to respond, but my brain just won't let me.


"Web Journaling's Millennial Infancy: A Synchronic Study of Performatives in the Social and Semiotic Matrix"

I so love you.