So, yeah, my productivity today is so low that it has settled to rest among the foraminifera.
Cracked icon pairing:
Brian Kinney / QAF + Dale Cooper / Twin Peaks
Agent Cooper follows the trail of Killer Bob to Pittsburgh (don't ask yourself how this fits into that universe's timeline), his current suspect an itinerant waitress who picks up truckers, each of whom mysteriously disappears after spending a night with her in a seedy motel. Cooper keeps having the same dream over and over: Laura Palmer is dancing at the end of his bed, trying to tell him something important. In the dream, Cooper looks at her with stone-faced focus and says, "Objectively, I know you're only a neuron crossing the bridge from brainstem to cerebellum." She hands him a glass of milk, which he drinks. "We are surrounded by mountains," Laura says, smiling, then a crying man comes in, holds up a blurry photo, and shoots himself, at which point Cooper always wakes up.
In Pittsburgh Cooper liaises with Detective Carl Horvath, who shakes his hand with an expression of bemusement as Cooper describes the perfect doughnut he found on his way into town. They head to the Liberty Diner for lunch, discussing the case of a missing schoolgirl and a dead bum who was found outside the Liberty Baths missing the little finger of his left hand, which seems meaningful to Cooper.
Cooper, in what seems to Horvath like a non sequitur, stops in front of the diner and says, "Like Daniel Webster, I've always thought that liberty exists in proportion to wholesome restraint."
As the words leave his lips, two patrons exit, one in assless chaps, the other a drag queen wearing a Carmen Miranda fruit hat. Cooper gives them a wide, benign smile. "Carl, I like this place already," he tells Horvath, who grimaces sourly.
They take a seat in the next booth over from Brian, Michael, Ted, and Emmett, who greet Horvath with limp-wristed waves, flirty looks, and obnoxious double entendres. Emmett eyeballs Cooper over the back of the booth and gives Ted a meaningful glance, but that night at Babylon it's Brian who dances over to where the FBI agent is standing at the foot of the stairs, studying the crowd with frank interest.
"Wanna dance?" Brian yells over the music.
Cooper, loudly: "I'm afraid I have two left feet." And then even more loudly and earnestly: "Thank you!"
Brian boogies off toward another trick in his blasé, sloping manner, but they keep running into each other, because Pittsburgh is only four blocks wide. One night, very drunk, Brian leans in close to Cooper as they huddle against the chill in an alley while on a stake-out, and says, "I could blow you."
Cooper, courteously: "It's a generous offer, Brian, but one I'm going to decline."
A week later after another murder and the sighting of strange lights in the sky over Liberty Avenue he and Brian are standing in front of the diner.
Cooper: "Looking around Liberty Avenue, I'm brought to mind of Vancouver. Which is odd, because no resemblance strikes the eye. I'm speaking of Vancouver, Canada, not Washington, but you knew that. A temperate and inviting city, Vancouver. Unfortunately, my last visit was plagued by the snoring of a large and hostile man in the adjacent room. I don't believe he was a local, though, so don't let that deter you from visiting."
Brian: *stares at him with wide eyes*
Cooper, turning his head to meet Brian's eyes directly: "Brian, is that offer of a blow-job still open? Because I'm feeling frisky today."
ETA: chase820 has perceptively pointed out that Brian Kinney does not *give* blow-jobs, but receives them. On reflection I think the significance of this out-of-character offer is clear: Brian is actually possessed by the spirit of Killer Bob.