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26 August 2005 @ 05:14 pm
not to mention a swallow carrying a coconut  
I've reached new lows of productivity. You know the saying "lower than plankton"? (E.g., "With his popularity lower than plankton on the food chain, President Bush had to do something dramatic...") I didn't realize that it derived from something meaningful.

So, yeah, my productivity today is so low that it has settled to rest among the foraminifera.

Cracked icon pairing:
Brian Kinney / QAF + Dale Cooper / Twin Peaks

Agent Cooper follows the trail of Killer Bob to Pittsburgh (don't ask yourself how this fits into that universe's timeline), his current suspect an itinerant waitress who picks up truckers, each of whom mysteriously disappears after spending a night with her in a seedy motel. Cooper keeps having the same dream over and over: Laura Palmer is dancing at the end of his bed, trying to tell him something important. In the dream, Cooper looks at her with stone-faced focus and says, "Objectively, I know you're only a neuron crossing the bridge from brainstem to cerebellum." She hands him a glass of milk, which he drinks. "We are surrounded by mountains," Laura says, smiling, then a crying man comes in, holds up a blurry photo, and shoots himself, at which point Cooper always wakes up.

In Pittsburgh Cooper liaises with Detective Carl Horvath, who shakes his hand with an expression of bemusement as Cooper describes the perfect doughnut he found on his way into town. They head to the Liberty Diner for lunch, discussing the case of a missing schoolgirl and a dead bum who was found outside the Liberty Baths missing the little finger of his left hand, which seems meaningful to Cooper.

Cooper, in what seems to Horvath like a non sequitur, stops in front of the diner and says, "Like Daniel Webster, I've always thought that liberty exists in proportion to wholesome restraint."

As the words leave his lips, two patrons exit, one in assless chaps, the other a drag queen wearing a Carmen Miranda fruit hat. Cooper gives them a wide, benign smile. "Carl, I like this place already," he tells Horvath, who grimaces sourly.

They take a seat in the next booth over from Brian, Michael, Ted, and Emmett, who greet Horvath with limp-wristed waves, flirty looks, and obnoxious double entendres. Emmett eyeballs Cooper over the back of the booth and gives Ted a meaningful glance, but that night at Babylon it's Brian who dances over to where the FBI agent is standing at the foot of the stairs, studying the crowd with frank interest.

"Wanna dance?" Brian yells over the music.

Cooper: "What?"

Brian: "Dance!"

Cooper, loudly: "I'm afraid I have two left feet." And then even more loudly and earnestly: "Thank you!"

Brian boogies off toward another trick in his blasé, sloping manner, but they keep running into each other, because Pittsburgh is only four blocks wide. One night, very drunk, Brian leans in close to Cooper as they huddle against the chill in an alley while on a stake-out, and says, "I could blow you."

Cooper, courteously: "It's a generous offer, Brian, but one I'm going to decline."

A week later after another murder and the sighting of strange lights in the sky over Liberty Avenue he and Brian are standing in front of the diner.

Cooper: "Looking around Liberty Avenue, I'm brought to mind of Vancouver. Which is odd, because no resemblance strikes the eye. I'm speaking of Vancouver, Canada, not Washington, but you knew that. A temperate and inviting city, Vancouver. Unfortunately, my last visit was plagued by the snoring of a large and hostile man in the adjacent room. I don't believe he was a local, though, so don't let that deter you from visiting."

Brian: *stares at him with wide eyes*

Cooper, turning his head to meet Brian's eyes directly: "Brian, is that offer of a blow-job still open? Because I'm feeling frisky today."

The end.

ETA: chase820 has perceptively pointed out that Brian Kinney does not *give* blow-jobs, but receives them. On reflection I think the significance of this out-of-character offer is clear: Brian is actually possessed by the spirit of Killer Bob.
(Deleted comment)
Anna S.: dilbert-workeliade on August 27th, 2005 12:29 am (UTC)
Hee. Thank you. *grin* I obsessively revised this post about fifty times just now. (I really know how to fill the time on a Friday, yep.)

Aaaaaaaaaaand, I'm running away from my cubicle now!
Tuesday Has No Phones: for youthebratqueen on August 27th, 2005 12:29 am (UTC)
I love you.
Anna S.: agent-coopereliade on August 27th, 2005 12:34 am (UTC)
*grin* KISSAGE! Mad Friday kissage.

I'm feeling frisky today...
Tuesday Has No Phones: Daddy's homethebratqueen on August 27th, 2005 12:37 am (UTC)
Does this make me Brian to your Cooper? Because I'm prepared to live with that.
Anna S.: brian_justineliade on August 27th, 2005 12:40 am (UTC)
Top me, Brian! Top me, you beautiful surly slut!

But where is Justin? I'm thinking threesome.
Tuesday Has No Phones: for youthebratqueen on August 27th, 2005 12:41 am (UTC)
You are just a smarty every day, woman.


kita0610? She does own a private school uniform...
Anna S.: tree shreweliade on August 27th, 2005 12:46 am (UTC)
kita0610? She does own a private school uniform...

Of courrrrrse she does.


I bet she has that little go-go dancing angel outfit too.
Tuesday Has No Phones: Free love freewaythebratqueen on August 27th, 2005 12:48 am (UTC)
Naturally. Though she only poses for pictures if you ask her nice.
Chasechase820 on August 27th, 2005 12:29 am (UTC)
Hee. This was too funny.

Except we know Brian only deigns to receive blowjobs, not give them, so really it should be Dale dropping to his knees.
Anna S.: brian_justineliade on August 27th, 2005 12:32 am (UTC)
Oh, god, you're right. Though I think this just speaks to the eerie power of Cooper. Brian is clearly in a state of unthinking desperation for him, like a Snowshoe Rabbit hypnotized by the spirit of a serial killer in the dark Northwest woods...er, yes.
Anna S.: brian_justineliade on August 27th, 2005 12:39 am (UTC)
(Okay, so that spin didn't work too well, but damn it, I'm taking a stand here. Brian should give more blow-jobs, the selfish SOB. Right? Mmmm...rrr..

/fleeing now from my mistakes and into the weekend
yourlibrarian: Fuck me: pureglasscupyourlibrarian on August 27th, 2005 01:30 am (UTC)
because Pittsburgh is only four blocks wide
Heh. At least gay Pittsburgh is.

Brian: *stares at him with wide eyes*
Amazingly no matter how cracktastic the pairing there can still be a strange appeal.
Set phasers to fabulous!: star trek: illogical!cincodemaygirl on August 27th, 2005 05:38 am (UTC)
but they keep running into each other, because Pittsburgh is only four blocks wide.


Also, for crackfic, you've got a remarkable Coop going here. Great dialogue!