Anna S. (eliade) wrote,
Anna S.

I dreamed about setting a house on fire.

I dreamed about escaping from a giant mansion because my stepfather had moved too many of his family members in--there were dozens and dozens. I set the house on fire and left through a window. My dream-interpretation book said that burning buildings could have positive symbolism; purging, or something. I'm dubious. I think it's that homicidal streak of mine.

I'm off Adderall and I'm tired, unfocused, and kind of scared. I was so tired yesterday that I went home around two. Today I've spent the last few hours reading fan-fiction at my desk, something I haven't done in a while, ever since I had to take stock and work on a more structured, accountable approach to my job. Last night I had thoughts about drinking. Just small brief thoughts that I pushed away, but it freaked me a bit. And I've been getting down. The D-word. Depressed. And craving sugar, and feeding my cravings. I hope the doctor will have something new to suggest on Friday.

I've run out of vitamins again too; the proprietary mega blend that I've been taking. And I did it more or less deliberately again to test the effect. Except yet again I did this simultaneously with some other significant change--going off a medication--so I don't know if my current tiredness and mood swings are related or not. The vitamins are incredibly expensive. I need to commit to them or not; budget it for every month or forget about it.

As if I actually budget. I haven't recorded any of my checks for three months and I'm behind on bills again despite having money in my account.

I feel like apologize to everyone, just for the way I feel. And for being a dull excuse for a writer and L-Journalist. I met with my manager today for my weekly 1:1. I mentioned the meds thing briefly, related to how I left early yesterday, and then filled him in, in a general way, on how I was doing. And he said, "I just want to say that I'm really proud of you." For tackling this, he meant. He repeated himself a few times. I got all dumb and shy because I deal with compliments badly. Also because I feel like a fraud, because of course I feel like total crap right now.

I was going to work out today but I think I may just sit somewhere with a novel and eat cookies instead.
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