Anna S. (eliade) wrote,
Anna S.
eliade

I dreamed about setting a house on fire.



I dreamed about escaping from a giant mansion because my stepfather had moved too many of his family members in--there were dozens and dozens. I set the house on fire and left through a window. My dream-interpretation book said that burning buildings could have positive symbolism; purging, or something. I'm dubious. I think it's that homicidal streak of mine.

I'm off Adderall and I'm tired, unfocused, and kind of scared. I was so tired yesterday that I went home around two. Today I've spent the last few hours reading fan-fiction at my desk, something I haven't done in a while, ever since I had to take stock and work on a more structured, accountable approach to my job. Last night I had thoughts about drinking. Just small brief thoughts that I pushed away, but it freaked me a bit. And I've been getting down. The D-word. Depressed. And craving sugar, and feeding my cravings. I hope the doctor will have something new to suggest on Friday.

I've run out of vitamins again too; the proprietary mega blend that I've been taking. And I did it more or less deliberately again to test the effect. Except yet again I did this simultaneously with some other significant change--going off a medication--so I don't know if my current tiredness and mood swings are related or not. The vitamins are incredibly expensive. I need to commit to them or not; budget it for every month or forget about it.

As if I actually budget. I haven't recorded any of my checks for three months and I'm behind on bills again despite having money in my account.

I feel like apologize to everyone, just for the way I feel. And for being a dull excuse for a writer and L-Journalist. I met with my manager today for my weekly 1:1. I mentioned the meds thing briefly, related to how I left early yesterday, and then filled him in, in a general way, on how I was doing. And he said, "I just want to say that I'm really proud of you." For tackling this, he meant. He repeated himself a few times. I got all dumb and shy because I deal with compliments badly. Also because I feel like a fraud, because of course I feel like total crap right now.

I was going to work out today but I think I may just sit somewhere with a novel and eat cookies instead.
Subscribe
  • Post a new comment

    Error

    default userpic

    Your reply will be screened

    Your IP address will be recorded 

    When you submit the form an invisible reCAPTCHA check will be performed.
    You must follow the Privacy Policy and Google Terms of use.
  • 26 comments
Previous
← Ctrl ← Alt
Next
Ctrl → Alt →
Previous
← Ctrl ← Alt
Next
Ctrl → Alt →