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03 August 2005 @ 05:35 pm
I dreamed about setting a house on fire.  

I dreamed about escaping from a giant mansion because my stepfather had moved too many of his family members in--there were dozens and dozens. I set the house on fire and left through a window. My dream-interpretation book said that burning buildings could have positive symbolism; purging, or something. I'm dubious. I think it's that homicidal streak of mine.

I'm off Adderall and I'm tired, unfocused, and kind of scared. I was so tired yesterday that I went home around two. Today I've spent the last few hours reading fan-fiction at my desk, something I haven't done in a while, ever since I had to take stock and work on a more structured, accountable approach to my job. Last night I had thoughts about drinking. Just small brief thoughts that I pushed away, but it freaked me a bit. And I've been getting down. The D-word. Depressed. And craving sugar, and feeding my cravings. I hope the doctor will have something new to suggest on Friday.

I've run out of vitamins again too; the proprietary mega blend that I've been taking. And I did it more or less deliberately again to test the effect. Except yet again I did this simultaneously with some other significant change--going off a medication--so I don't know if my current tiredness and mood swings are related or not. The vitamins are incredibly expensive. I need to commit to them or not; budget it for every month or forget about it.

As if I actually budget. I haven't recorded any of my checks for three months and I'm behind on bills again despite having money in my account.

I feel like apologize to everyone, just for the way I feel. And for being a dull excuse for a writer and L-Journalist. I met with my manager today for my weekly 1:1. I mentioned the meds thing briefly, related to how I left early yesterday, and then filled him in, in a general way, on how I was doing. And he said, "I just want to say that I'm really proud of you." For tackling this, he meant. He repeated himself a few times. I got all dumb and shy because I deal with compliments badly. Also because I feel like a fraud, because of course I feel like total crap right now.

I was going to work out today but I think I may just sit somewhere with a novel and eat cookies instead.
WesleysGirlwesleysgirl on August 4th, 2005 12:38 am (UTC)
Anna S.: sydneyeliade on August 4th, 2005 12:39 am (UTC)
I forgot to say what a terrible LJ friend I am too. I've been meaning to comment on your posts for a week now. :( I hug you back. *hug*
WesleysGirl: Spike/Weswesleysgirl on August 4th, 2005 12:46 am (UTC)
You're not a terrible LJ friend. We do what we can, you know? There are times I barely comment on anyone's LJs. *Smoooooch*
Margarita Veasman: Dumbeldore- sherbet lemonsorot on August 4th, 2005 12:42 am (UTC)
::hugsyoureallyhard:: interesting fire dream you had there, I don't have a dream interpretation book thingie but maybe your subcouncious is trying to tell you something?? Maybe that you should try and forget them and focus more on you? That's what I got from reading this, you have been forgeting things that hust in some way your onw being.

LadyCatladycat777 on August 4th, 2005 12:48 am (UTC)

I have random thoughts about pushing people and/or walking out in front of a bus. Or turning on disposals when someone's hand is in it.

I forget what my therapist says that is, but it's normal and it's not as ... big? as it seems like it should be. I don't want to do any of those things. They horrify me. But I still have the random impulses that go "huh, what if ..." Since I don't dream, I don't know if they'd slip in, but it wouldn't surprise me. I'll try and see if I can remember the name of that thing.

And I'm proud of you, too -- because you are trying, even when it hurts *hugs you tight*
Sylvike: Flowers in water Sylvikefishsanwitt on August 4th, 2005 12:52 am (UTC)
This is a tough slog. You should be proud of yourself.

flaming museflaming_muse on August 4th, 2005 12:53 am (UTC)
*hugs you* I hope that your doctor is able to help, because it's so difficult and distressing that you're feeling this way, especially since you were feeling so well. But you *should* be proud of yourself for tackling this; it's complicated and very hard.
aliquid stat pro aliquomaygra on August 4th, 2005 12:54 am (UTC)
up...down..up...down. the highs and lows are enough to make you depressed even when you feel pretty good.

hard to say about the vitamins. I've been ebbing downard for the last few days. I don't even go to work until 10 and by noon all I want to do is crawl back in bed. today I took 2 multi-vitamins (nothing special, OTC stuff) and while I was still tired it was definitely a different tired. Like, not enough sleep tired as opposed to post-pneumonia tired or something. But I think maybe you should go back on your vitamins especially since your aff the other. Mark it on your calender, a time when you cna test going off them, when there aren't other changes. (I know, that's hard too.)

I hug you too. A big one. And I echo your boss. This shit is horrible to deal with and it's not an on agian, off again. It's all the time. I get tired of dealing with it frequently. I want it to stop, or go away or bug someone else.

And you didn't drink. That's a thing you succeeded at.
julia_herejulia_here on August 4th, 2005 12:54 am (UTC)
No apologies necessary.

I know what it feels like, though, to want to apologize to everyone for my shortcomings. And to want to sit and eat a package of cookies and reread The Estate of the Beconing Lady or Persuasion or Gaudy Night. They help for a little while; sometimes that's all you can ask for.

Julia, reality sometimes sucks
Tuesday Has No Phones: glassesthebratqueen on August 4th, 2005 01:18 am (UTC)
My armchair psychoanalysis is that possibly your body is triggering cravings for your other addiction because right now it's dealing with getting the Adderall out of your system. You might also be feeling extra depressed/tired/all-around bad because your body's dealing with the huge chemical changes, much as how starting meds in the first place can make the side effects seem impossible to live with.

It sucks that you had to give up the Adderall when you felt that it was working for you. And I do the bill thing too. I'm just so trained from when I didn't have money and it was easier to leave the bills in a pile and pretend I didn't see them. I finally set up automatic online bill paying for all the regular ones. Thank God for that or I'd be late every month, I swear.
MustangSally: Bad Buddha Selfmustangsally78 on August 4th, 2005 02:04 am (UTC)
We all struggle with our various problems
and we're here TO share and to make each other feel better.

See, LJ has the nicest friends, the kind you can talk to in your pj's when you REALLY need a shower.


A carbonated fusion beverage!: aadvarkswmbo on August 4th, 2005 02:27 am (UTC)

Good luck figuring out how useful the vitamins are *crosses fingers and toes* and dealing with everything.

*passes more cookies*
ex_dovil323 on August 4th, 2005 02:31 am (UTC)
You're not a fraud. And there are very good reasons why he said that he was proud of you. Because, yeah.
laurashapiro on August 4th, 2005 03:30 am (UTC)
I hug you and I wish you warmth and comfort, and even if you have to be blue for awhile, I want you to know you will never disappoint me by being sad.

Your boss is right to be proud. You are mighty.
tafkarfanfictafkarfanfic on August 4th, 2005 06:46 am (UTC)
Don't apologize. You're working really hard, and you're trying really hard. And I don't know if I could do it.
peasant_ on August 4th, 2005 07:36 am (UTC)
For what it's worth, I think you should go back on the vitamins. Your sudden positive upswing was really noticable last time you took them. It's something easy and positive you can do to help yourself so why on earth not? After all, what would you spend the money on instead?
alittlebritonalittlebriton on August 4th, 2005 09:43 am (UTC)
I think we are all proud of you. And don't worry about the dream. I have actual conscious thoughts about smacking slow old ladies who are tottering in front of me, going nowhere and then stopping suddenly for no reason. It is the one thing guaranteed to bring out the inner sociopath in me.

So *hugs*. Get some vitamins, eat an apple and read under a tree. My fave feelgood book, you know, the one that makes you blanket-warm, is A Tree Grows in Brooklyn. Funny, depressing and yet full of hope. I hope you feel better. We all adore you, and send you good karma.
kassrachel on August 4th, 2005 12:39 pm (UTC)
You may feel like total crap right now, but you're still facing all of this stuff. Which is a hell of a thing.

It's one of those small, ongoing, uncelebrated, unfun victories on which life is built, and I throw quiet, subtle handfuls of confetti in your direction.

Also, I hope the doctor has good ideas for an Adderall replacement that won't fuck with your blood pressure, because, you know, that'd be useful. *g*
Trepkos: Promise to a Lady by Lonesheeptrepkos on August 4th, 2005 02:03 pm (UTC)
My dream-interpretation book said that burning buildings could have positive symbolism; purging, or something. I'm dubious. I think it's that homicidal streak of mine.

I don't think you can rely too much on these general dream books - things in dreams can have an obvious meaning, or a very personal significance that only you or someone who knows you will be able to work out, and they also use puns. The fire could be your fear of getting fired, or could just indicate that you are imagining what you would do if you were...

You did well not to drink - keep up the good work.
We're all rooting for you.
Kristinadesoto_hia873 on August 4th, 2005 02:59 pm (UTC)
I feel like apologize to everyone, just for the way I feel.

You really don't need to. Don't judge or condemn yourself for not feeling good. Life is just like that. Even those who don't officially suffer from the D-word have down periods.

Hang in there. This too will pass.

SpikeLuva: lonesheep_ifidiespikeluva on August 4th, 2005 03:04 pm (UTC)
Man, I hope you feel better soon and the doctor suggests something to help.

A few people in my family suffer from bad depression and my mother suffers from chronic fatigue. They have been taking liquid vitamins and SWEAR by them. It's called Body Balance and it can be found HERE. Just a suggestion. They've had complete turn arounds in their health.

Good luck with everything. *hugs*
Herself_nycherself_nyc on August 4th, 2005 03:23 pm (UTC)
I'm proud of you too. You're so much more self-aware and committed to taking care of yourself than when we first met. God knows there are always set backs — I have them constantly too — but you're on the right road. It seems that some of us have to struggle with our lives so much more than some others do … but it's worth doing!
ruthless1ruthless1 on August 4th, 2005 05:42 pm (UTC)
Now here's my suggestion. You know that compliment your boss paid you? Put it in your pocket and when you are feeling a tiny bit better - take it out and admire it's utter shinyness and glory. It's hard to hear good things when one is feeling bad but the good things are still coming your way even if you can't see them. Hence - the pocketing of compliments til one is ready to hear them.
Also the bill thing? I totally understand that - it's the rebelteen in me saying to da Man - "your not the boss of me" in spite of the fact that my mortgage now owns my ass! But governments haven't fallen just because one certain Eliade didn't pay her phone bill on time.
Hang in there - and peruse these nice responses when you are ready! I am rootin' for ya! (and it looks like everyone else is too!)
your royal pie-nessentrenous88 on August 4th, 2005 07:14 pm (UTC)
Definitely try the vitamins again. I think that you're working out a balance and a strategy for dealing with moods and life stuff, and it's probably better not to play with more than one variable at a time. If you've changed meds, keep the other stuff as is.

Also **hugs you tight**
kittygoslingp on August 5th, 2005 01:10 am (UTC)
Damn, I'm sorry you've had to come off that medication and that you're feeling down. I'm feeling a little down at the moment myself for a variety of reasons and none and doing the equivalent of your ignoring bills thing except that in my case I'm ignoring stuff that is really important and time critical involving the filling in of forms and sending them off (I could not exaggerate how much I hate filling in forms).

When we're in these kind of moods, because we're in these kind of moods, it can be hard to appreciate our small victories (such as in my case actually going out of my way this evening to post two things that should have been posted Monday) but that doesn't mean that not drinking, getting vitamins and hanging tough doesn't count.

It's kind of like one of those old westerns (do you like westerns?) where the young buck is reminded by our grizzled hero that being brave is doing something even though you're terrified (or, in my case and, possibly, yours) paralysed by indifference, hypnotised by the sheer drudgery of it or whatever.

I'm not sure that this all came out the way I intended but hanging on as you are and persevering is as heroic and worthy of praise and appreciation (even if not from yourself at present) as climbing Everest (more so) and right now you're my heroine and I am going to get up from my computer and leave another horrible form by the fridge so that I can't ignore it and will, hopefully, deal with it in the morning, if I'm feeling strong.
Jack Pridejack_pride on August 9th, 2005 01:53 am (UTC)
::reads this at skip=280::

::hugs and runs::