Anna S. (eliade) wrote,
Anna S.

hard stuff

I've been feeling good lately. The last few days, less so. I had a realization--is there a better word for something smaller and less significant than an epiphany, by the way? Maybe this was a mild epiphany. There's a theory that says active alcoholics are people who aren't able to fully grow up--to cope with the realities of life. And I think that one of the key problems I've had is a desire for stability, but not in a reasonable way--more in the way a child wants stability. Children eventually grow up to become adults who have to recognize that life is essentially unstable. Though when I say stability, it's not just economic, for instance; it's also equilibrium--emotional, physical. So if I was having an off day, if I was angry or lonely, or didn't feel well, I'd drink, to smooth things out to that familiar, evenly distributed fog.

It's a little odd, because it wasn't as if our family was military and moved every six months. In fact, my family was always in a rut, in almost every way. But maybe I had some sense of instability at the core of it all. Certainly all my adult life I've felt like I have no firm ground under my feet, and I guess that feeling probably started hitting my consciousness in my late teens.

I don't want to be in a rut, but I get frustrated when I can't rely on a sustained equilibrium: I hate that my balance can be upset by moodiness, PMS, illness, wildly fluctuating energy levels. Sudden hypervigilance of breath. I mean, I've spent this whole weekend doing not much more than breathing, my energy low. I want my life to be at least a nice, stable 85% or so, with occasional spikes of joy into the nineties.

A few weeks back I was hitting a rough patch in terms of sobriety; beset by recurring thoughts of drinking. It's not so bad right now. Everything goes up, everything goes down, yadda yadda.

Work was great this last week. I want to keep that effort and level of accomplishment up. I felt really good about myself. The writing took a backseat, obviously, but I have to admit, it wasn't because I was being all self-disciplined. I actually wasn't feeling any creative motivation. I kind of quasi-feel-bad about that, for the sake of people reading my stuff, but whenever that feeling rises through a hole in the bottom of my mind, it's as if I take a bucket and bail the rising water out and toss it over the side. Because I still feel this drive to focus on myself until I figure out the hang of this--of living. Ha. Maybe someday I'll mature and evolve enough to be a more selfless, outward-looking person. Or maybe those who believe in reincarnation are right, and I can project my hopes for enlightenment onto the next lifetime or ten.

::I breathe I breathe I breathe::
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