Anna S. (eliade) wrote,
Anna S.

hard stuff

I'm having another day where I feel like walking off my job. I'm having this feeling I get--rarer now--where it's like a switch in me has shut off. On the inside I'm miserable, dull, and on the outside my face feels like a tightly stretched mask of blankness. Flat affect, is how they describe that.

I called and talked to a friend a little while ago, and then I called the confidential employee mental-health hotline. I told the guy about being sober and described to him everything that I was doing--going to AA, seeing a therapist, taking antidepressants, reaching out to friends; and I told him I'd talked to my manager about setting goals and deadlines and structuring my time. And the guy said, "Well, it sounds as if you're doing everything you're supposed to."

Yes. Yes, I am. THANKS A LOT.

So why do I feel panicky, why am I about to cry, why do I feel like I can't take this another minute?

Oh god, this is so boring, so banal. Self-stirred drama when I really desperately want to be upbeat and focused. I do want a steady, happy life. Right now I just want to keep myself from e-mailing my manager to tell him I'm quitting. I want to stop crying, and to not kill the guy in the next cubicle.

This is normal, maybe. You get sober, and your vision sharpens up and all the crap of your life looks like exactly what it is. And then you have to get through it and figure out healthier coping mechanisms.

"LiveJournal: The Healthier Coping Mechanism." If they ever need a new motto.
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