Anna S. (eliade) wrote,
Anna S.

grey skies.

We're having another thunderstorm in Seattle. The third or fourth this year--very uncharacteristic.

The grey skies are in me too though. It's one of those days when I disappoint myself. I have the wrong kinds of energy, I want the things I don't have, and am discontented with the things I do have. I want a cat and a fireplace, and then it can rain. I want to bake cookies and watch brilliant movies with good friends. But it's not enough if I have to return to the real world the next morning. Sixteen hours a day of my own, half of them sleep--it's not enough. Some people only have the sleep, and nothing else. They work two jobs, they have families, they save lives in hospitals.

Me, I'm probably going to skip my gym session again, because I can't focus. I'll bring my laptop home tonight, pretending to myself that I'm going to get some office work done on my own time. But I probably won't.

I have unpaid bills that I have the money for, but my fingers won't fill out the checks or pick up the phone. I have unreturned movies and I'm up to double late fees now. The rental store is a block away.

This is just kittenish whining. I take stabs at grown-upness, self-discipline and responsible choices. Then I lump out. I'd like to see a graph of my life, though. Maybe it would show me a trend that the highs and lows are evening out over time.

I still want to go to Prague. I'm taking my vitamins. Tiny distracting thoughts of drinking are hitting me today, like raindrops on the window glass. But they're small and I'm ignoring them.

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