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21 June 2005 @ 04:49 pm
grey skies.  
We're having another thunderstorm in Seattle. The third or fourth this year--very uncharacteristic.

The grey skies are in me too though. It's one of those days when I disappoint myself. I have the wrong kinds of energy, I want the things I don't have, and am discontented with the things I do have. I want a cat and a fireplace, and then it can rain. I want to bake cookies and watch brilliant movies with good friends. But it's not enough if I have to return to the real world the next morning. Sixteen hours a day of my own, half of them sleep--it's not enough. Some people only have the sleep, and nothing else. They work two jobs, they have families, they save lives in hospitals.

Me, I'm probably going to skip my gym session again, because I can't focus. I'll bring my laptop home tonight, pretending to myself that I'm going to get some office work done on my own time. But I probably won't.

I have unpaid bills that I have the money for, but my fingers won't fill out the checks or pick up the phone. I have unreturned movies and I'm up to double late fees now. The rental store is a block away.

This is just kittenish whining. I take stabs at grown-upness, self-discipline and responsible choices. Then I lump out. I'd like to see a graph of my life, though. Maybe it would show me a trend that the highs and lows are evening out over time.

I still want to go to Prague. I'm taking my vitamins. Tiny distracting thoughts of drinking are hitting me today, like raindrops on the window glass. But they're small and I'm ignoring them.
 
 
 
WesleysGirlwesleysgirl on June 21st, 2005 11:57 pm (UTC)
*Hugs* I wish you lived near here. I'd love the chance to spend some time with you and see if we got along.
julia_herejulia_here on June 22nd, 2005 12:21 am (UTC)
I've been trying to get out the door for seven hours; I put on my sunglasses and grab my old sweat-stained Mariners hat and the thinder rolls and my ears pop and then the rain pounds down and I go back to screwing around on the net. I could be doing useful things that are not outside, the house is a pit and I should really write to my friend in Atlanta and see if she and her family will be up this summer.

Not the most damned inspiring weather.

Julia, hate thunderstorms
qafhappyqafhappy on June 22nd, 2005 12:30 am (UTC)
Sometimes you just need to sit back and let things go.

But I'd recommend just paying the bills and returning the movies, and considering it a successful day (or week) then. Small goals achieved can make the big ones easier.

When I was in school, and overwhelmed with classes & work - I'd make a list of everything I needed to do. Which was almost breakdown causing.

Then I'd cross off each thing as I did it, so I could see the progress. It helped to keep me going forward. I also put things on a dayplanner - one or a few things each day, or maybe a rare day off. That way, each day's tasks seemed do-able, even though the entirety of it was insane.

And I live in Tacoma - I know what you mean about the weather. It rained all the way home from Aberdeen for me today.
julia_herejulia_here on June 22nd, 2005 12:49 am (UTC)
(I-5 Exit 111, here)
qafhappyqafhappy on June 22nd, 2005 01:03 am (UTC)
You live anywhere near Stewart's Meat Market?

(1-5, exit 132)
julia_herejulia_here on June 22nd, 2005 01:09 am (UTC)
Used to live a lot closer, when we lived up at Yelm- and when I was a tiny girl, we had our locker at Stewart's; I've known the family all my life.

Julia, much closer to the freeway these days
bouldertim: wwydbouldertim on June 22nd, 2005 12:57 am (UTC)
I've had "Write Thank You to Eliade" on my to-do list for too long...

Thank you! I have been thoroughly enjoying your recent J/V series and I’ve seen all of one episode of Alias. This may sound crazy, but I started searching for your writing online a few weeks ago after reading yet another book where the plot was boring and the writing was clunky and cliché. I couldn't take any more poorly written fiction!

I remembered your X-Files stories were a total immersion experience. I think that was about 5 years ago, and I was hoping to find you were still writing, anything, at all, on any topic. Your writing is elegant, carrying the reader along with a buoyant fluidity that is a refreshing relief from the mediocrity of so much of the commercial writing on the bookstands today.

I don't post much but am really glad that you do!