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17 June 2005 @ 09:30 am
drastic, dire, desperate  
It's probably only fair to warn you guys that I may be spammy today. Like a giant supermarket pyramid of Spam in a can. Because I need a lifeline. I feel on the edge of doing deeply something irreparable and not at all practical or sane, like quitting my job. Just walking out, right now, and saying SCREW THIS. I mean...I don't seriously see myself doing that. I'm just having some kind of subdued anxiety attack this morning and I don't know why. Free-floating anxiety. The "I want a different life" kind of mad anxiety.

Argh. I have nothing more to say than this. I will scare the world today.

different lives
theseashore on June 17th, 2005 04:36 pm (UTC)
"You must chill."
Anna S.: sam-carter-capeliade on June 17th, 2005 05:02 pm (UTC)
Yes! *loves*
"Smokin' hot.": boys mickeymwithout_me on June 17th, 2005 04:37 pm (UTC)
Agh. I feel your pain.
Poshykittyposhcat on June 17th, 2005 04:39 pm (UTC)
Meep! Don't jump, Eliade! Don't jump!

You seriously need to start looking for another job. Sometimes I don't comment to your posts because I'm looking for the *perfect* reply, but I care about you so much, and want somehow to reach out and give you a big hug. Or slap. Whatever you need most. :0P

The way to control anxiety is to take action. So don't walk out on your job...but do start to make a plan on how to get a better job. A DIFFERENT job. My BIL quit being a lawyer in his 30s, went back to school and became a teacher. People thought he was nuts. He didn't care. So it can be done, no matter how much time, money, or emotional energy you have invested in something. You need a plan, and bad. More doing, less wishing.

And I'll shut up now, in case I'm not helping or, god forbid, making it worse.

::dips your fingers in bean dip and sucks it off::
bleu_lavande: beautybleu_lavande on June 17th, 2005 04:45 pm (UTC)
This is, by far, the most brilliant piece of advice I've ever read on LJ. And anywhere else for that matter, come to think of it. (Plus, it came with a OMGsquee factor... ;-)
laurashapiro on June 17th, 2005 04:46 pm (UTC)
Hey, I firmly believe that everyone's entitled to one "Get Out Of Job Free" card in her life. Have you used yours yet?

Not that I'm encouraging you if you think it would be a Very Bad Thing To Do. Just -- I think you could survive it, if you did it. And you might learn stuff.

Regardless, I am here for you, baby.
Estepheia: Behind Blue Eyesestepheia on June 17th, 2005 04:50 pm (UTC)
What Poshie said, sounds ... sound.
Don't do anything drastic!
KarenDreamerLady: garden by skaterg8rkarendreamer on June 17th, 2005 04:59 pm (UTC)
Oh, ::::hugs and positive thoughts::::::

I do understand, but try to hang in there. You have a world full of people who care about you, including ones that only know you through LJ.
witlingwitling on June 17th, 2005 05:14 pm (UTC)
Oy vey.

At this moment in time, I guess my response would be:

1.) Don't do anything irreparable today.

2.) Whatever you do, you'll be all right.

Chill. Breathe.
the_shoshannathe_shoshanna on June 17th, 2005 05:21 pm (UTC)
Hugs. Hang in there. Deep, calm breaths.

And hand porn.
gianna24gianna24 on June 17th, 2005 05:33 pm (UTC)
What do you do? Could you afford to quit and take some time off? What's the student debt situation like? I think taking some time off might be a good idea. or a leave of absence or something.
nullabonanullabona on June 17th, 2005 05:35 pm (UTC)
Uhm. I totally echo the sentiments expressed above. I have been there and I use to work at a firm where people were so stressed out they cried, ranted, fucked each other in the stairwells, had physical altercations and walked out frighteningly often (which I quit as soon as I could)—luckily, the firm has such a horrific reputation that the people weren’t hurt much by the resume gap but it did take them some time to find something else. Clearly, you are a smart, creative person and not being engaged enough in the work you are currently doing. Perhaps you could update your resume and shop it out to local headhunters? Are there professional affiliations you can network with (The President the local professional affiliation I networked with unapologetically called my prior firm “The worst fucking sweatshop in the city and asked how I survived”)? Or maybe going back to school part-time?
cindershadow on June 17th, 2005 05:42 pm (UTC)
I'd agree--survive today, then spend the weekend thinking very concretely about what you really want. (I.e., hold onto the paycheck to give yourself more flexibility and security as you plan a change. Says the risk-averse one. Unless you feel your head really will explode; in that case, you can always quit on Monday.)

Friends tell me even those books like "What Color is Your Parachute?" help in making these choices. I'd just start by making a couple of lists for yourself: What can't I stand in a working situation? What would be ideal for me? For example, my list: I can't stand being trapped inside an office all day, I need a fair amount of space I can claim/control, I need a degree of autonomy, I need to do something I can do well, I need to do something I feel is of use to the world, I love telling stories, I'm good at the mechanics but not the artistry of writing, I prefer a certain amount of routine and even repetition, I like being in control of situations, I'm shy and hate dealing with strangers--even on the phone, I like having a steady if modest salary with benefits. All this makes me a poor candidate for my sister's job (free-lance architect--lots of autonomy, less security, many strangers, less control, more creativity/change) but a good one for mine (history teacher at a private school--pretty bureaucracy-free, summers off, but "homework"/grading most evenings 9 months a year, potential parental pressure). I left/got pushed from a tenure-track college position, which would have offered more security but also meant one was never truly free from work: "publish or perish" meant anxiety all summer and lots of work that went nowhere. I'm happy to be free of that. For both teaching jobs, I sent out literally hundreds of application letters and only got a single interview each time . . . but sometimes that's all it takes. (Meanwhile, I also made lists of how to live on less/what I could do for free that I enjoy, just in case. Clearly, list-making is a coping mechanism for me!)

Anyway--free advice, which is worth every cent you paid for it, right? Just knowing that you have a plan and are taking action can hold some of the anxiety at bay, though.

Whatever you do--know that many folks out here value you highly, and not merely for the wonderful gift of your writing.
It's funnier in Enochian: OS_Stapler - pouringsandmona1347 on June 17th, 2005 05:44 pm (UTC)
Oddly enough, I feel quite similarly today. Like I might just snap ala Half Baked and be like..."Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, you're cool, and fuck you, I'm OUT!"

Or maybe just set the building on fire. I haven't decided yet.
witlingwitling on June 17th, 2005 05:47 pm (UTC)
Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, you're cool, and fuck you, I'm OUT!"

Lumenara Dhahm: face!lumenara on June 17th, 2005 06:13 pm (UTC)
It's funnier in Enochian: OS_Stapler - pouringsandmona1347 on June 18th, 2005 07:59 pm (UTC)
julia_herejulia_here on June 17th, 2005 06:16 pm (UTC)
I sort of said all I have to say about this earlier in the week.

Wanting out is valid, but like cindershadow I'm risk averse as hell and prefer it if people have somewhere to jump to before they jump ship.

Question: do you need a job that engages your creative needs more fully and precisely to be more satisfying, or one which engages them less, that can be done in a mindless haze, so that you have more capacity for your personal creative projects?

Julia, currently in a rage/funk over the spousal unit being called to work on his official day off because somebody there doesn't understand the time restraints on the database restore.
Trepkos: pensivetrepkos on June 17th, 2005 07:19 pm (UTC)
Deep breaths.
The weekend is nearly here.
Maybe this is just a nervous reaction to having 'fessed up to your supervisor on Wednesday...
...Not saying you shouldn't look for something you like better, but, I think surveys say that most people don't like their jobs.
Jane Bluestockingj_bluestocking on June 17th, 2005 08:31 pm (UTC)
I agree with the people above. You can have a different life. You have the option! And you have it just as well by thinking and planning as by walking away on the spur of the moment.

What do you want? Is there anything that, if you were lying on your deathbed years from now, you'd say, "I always meant to do X, and I never did."

That's what made it easy for me to take action: the deathbed test. "If I tried this and failed, it would hurt. Which would hurt more, that or looking back at my life and knowing I never even tried?" Answer easy; action then follows.
Jane Bluestockingj_bluestocking on June 17th, 2005 08:39 pm (UTC)
Also, how much of your dissatisfaction today is due to your longing for change and how much to the fact you have distinct job hurdles? Are you internalizing stress and then laying it on your career choices, or is it that the hurdles are underscoring that this isn't what you want to do?

Anaxila / Babbles: art parrish reverie by amyzoncomanaxila on June 18th, 2005 04:06 am (UTC)
As usual, Anna, you should listen to the koimistress. It's this type of reasoning that's putting me on the plane to India on Tuesday, and I heartily endorse it. You'd think I would wait to see if India's a flaming disaster before calling it a successful approach, but I've used this as a guiding principle for the last ten years. As a result, I have few regrets and the years have been far more satisfying than the ten that preceeded them when I was busy telling myself all the things I couldn't possibly do.

Go to Prague.
kittygoslingp on June 17th, 2005 09:09 pm (UTC)
I'm really sorry you're having such a bad day or even week, I know what it's like and I feel for you.

What hasn't made me feel any more cheerful but which has sort of bolstered my stamina and my helped me summon up a sort of grim, 'I will plough through this' sort of determination has been reminding myself that though I feel terrible right now, trapped and unable to see a way out, I didn't always feel like this.

I have been happy, very happy for even quite simple reasons and that though I recognize that the way I feel now makes it hard for me to see the end of this mood or frame of mind, on a rational level I know that this isn't permanent and that if I can hang on then it will pass for a combination of circumstantial, hormonal, meterological and other reasons.

I try to tell myself to do nothing permanent or of permanent consequence while I'm feeling so bad and to think of it like crossing a desert grimly putting one foot in front of another and soldiering on.

I don't know how this would work for you, I suspect that if I was trying to make you feel better (and I'm not sure I could do that) all the 'grims' and 'grimlies' are not necessarily the way to go but sometimes this strategy or way of thinking gives me something to cling on to when nothing else works.

I'm thinking of you and feeling for you and hope that you are feeling a bit better soon.
nzlauranzlaura on June 18th, 2005 01:11 am (UTC)
Hope you get through it ok - and sort out where you need to be. Everyone else is full of smart thoughts, and I don't really have anything to add, so I'm just sending good vibes.