Log in

No account? Create an account
13 June 2005 @ 11:24 am
not particularly upbeat  
I think some people have friended me since the last time I posted about personal things. "Hard stuff" is the title I slap on posts where I blurt things that not everyone may want to read. Stuff about drinking, moods, etc. Just so you know.

I cut out of work early on Thursday and I skipped work on Friday. By the end of the weekend I still hadn't managed to clean my apartment, pay bills, or do laundry, and I felt physically like shit. I was also dwelling on thoughts of drinking far more than I have been. Not good.

The crazed writing I've been doing feels a bit like drinking--an addictive activity that makes the rest of my life crumble like the edge of California into the sea. Which isn't to make anyone feel guilty for enjoying it, because it's not actually drinking and the words themselves make me happy. I mean, I don't even know if the writing jag is a cause or symptom of something else.

Just recently I finished a month's worth of megavitamins that I'd been trying and didn't get another bottle. I guess I wanted to compare the way I felt while taking them to how I felt while not taking them. I don't feel so hot. But maybe it's not the vitamins. I'm feeling very confused.

I just had appointments with both of my doctors recently--therapist, psychiatrist--and they both seemed pleased by the current state of the me, but now, a week or so later, I feel like my life is coming apart at the seams.

The work stuff is the most horrible. I am simply not doing the work they're paying me for and every day pushes me deeper into dread. I don't know how to deal. I don't know how to focus. I don't know what to *do*. I keep having wrong fantasies of not going in anymore. Of quitting, of living for six months or so off cashed-in stock, then trying to scrounge up another job.

I've been depressed this past weekend, this past week, and I need to get my shit together. I've been thinking about how in an AA meeting a few weeks ago, someone was saying how you can stop drinking, but if you still have the same crappy, out-of-control life you had while drinking, you haven't done enough. You have to work the steps, etc. Which I get. But until I started to go to meetings, my understanding of AA was based on stuff from novels and so on. And I'd fixated on this recurring motif in the Matthew Scudder novels, which I paraphrase roughly: "So you say you lost your job, ran over your cat, and punched your neighbor--did you drink today?" Scudder: "No." Sponsor: "Then it was a good day."

I like the simplicity of that, underneath everything else. There's a part of me that thinks: I could lose my job, be broke, be unable to pay my bills, but I'd still be alive. I want to balance the zen of that against the realistic need to sustain myself. You get so caught up in existing--going to work, grinding away, focusing on money and time and getting by, that you lose perspective. I'm on this earth for less than a century and then I'll be gone. It's not like I move my piece to the end of the game board and "win" because I have a retirement package and a handful of declining years to enjoy it. What the fuck kind of life is that? This is the part of me that's raging right now: I hate being in an office doing pointless shit. It's everything else in my life that I want to enjoy. But the time spent doing pointless shit pays for everything else. If I'm not in an office doing pointless shit for X hours a week, I can't afford a gym membership or antidepressants or an apartment or a car.

That was just one big gush of unfun. On the upside:

* I've gone over two months without drinking.
* I shot baskets on Sunday.
* I haven't lost my job yet.
* I have friends.

Yehp. I think it's time for coffee.
take to the sky: ceramic handjezebelz on June 13th, 2005 06:28 pm (UTC)
It really does sound like the vitamins were making a difference. I know it's hard to know for sure, but if you weren't having any negative side effects, it might be worth it to keep taking them.

do you want orcs? because this is how you get orcs: Jimmy Lovekita0610 on June 13th, 2005 06:29 pm (UTC)
Well, people don't drink because they feel GOOD inside, you know? Now that you're not numbing yourself, there's all this old stuff that you never had a chance to deal with before. It IS good that you don't drink to cover it up- give yourself credit for that! But it's not gonna go away by itself.

Depression is a bitch, I might not be an addict, but that much I can vouch for personally.

You're loved. :}
E. Stardustemstardust on June 13th, 2005 06:31 pm (UTC)
I am simply not doing the work they're paying me for and every day pushes me deeper into dread.

I am so in the same place in my life right now. I sit here and refresh LJ and play games and think how much work I have to do and feel guilty. And the thing is, I think this feeling is telling me that I shouldn't be doing this job, but I have to support myself!

Circe: who - HUGS OMG - stevie_janecirce_tigana on June 13th, 2005 06:32 pm (UTC)
You ARE loved. :)
nestra on June 13th, 2005 06:34 pm (UTC)
The work stuff is the most horrible. I am simply not doing the work they're paying me for and every day pushes me deeper into dread.

I get that, and every time I post about that feeling, other people pop up and say, "Yeah, I get that." I'm reduced to doing the bare minimum, and sometimes I feel bad about that. But I've also seen plenty of other people whose bare minimum is crap, and mine is not crap, and neither is yours. There's still a part of me that hates the fact that I do nothing until I'm on top of a deadline, but...it works. At least, no one's fired me yet, so where's the motivation to do more, you know?

I'm not sure this is exactly cheering, but I hope it helps to know that other people feel the same way.
z_rayne on June 13th, 2005 06:42 pm (UTC)
Like jezebelz said, you should probably keep taking the vitamins. They can't hurt and it sounds like maybe they've been helping.

The work stuff is the most horrible.

I wish I had an answer for you, but I really don't. Just...know that you're not alone, that you have friends and that there are other people out there who understand what you're going through.

ReginaGiraffereginagiraffe on June 13th, 2005 06:42 pm (UTC)
I know how you feel, Re: work. I know I could be doing so much more/so much better, but I have zero motivation.

I second the motion to go back on the vitamins. They sound like they were helping.

I can't say I love you since I barely know you but I *do* appreciate the fact of your existance. Is that good enough? *g*
so_sharlemaine on June 13th, 2005 06:43 pm (UTC)
I know you don't really know me, but I've been following your journal because I enjoy your fiction. So I don't think I know you well enough to give specific advice. I've been where it sounds like you are. I still go there sometimes. Hanging onto friends is the only way I've pulled through. Please don't think I'm a weirdo for responding this way. I just thought it might help to know that you're not completely alone. Talk to us.

*big hugs and squeezes for eliade*
di0nnedi0nne on June 13th, 2005 06:45 pm (UTC)
In the absence of anything helpful to say without it sounding pithy and trite, I simply send you lots of hugs.
"Smokin' hot.": boys theseashorewithout_me on June 13th, 2005 06:51 pm (UTC)
I'm not sure whether it's reassuring or alarming to see how many people feel the same way I do about work. (Naturally, you express it more evocatively than I could ever hope to, but what else is new?)

I don't have any grand solution, more's the pity, but I'm over here in my corner rooting for you.
Trepkos: pensivetrepkos on June 13th, 2005 06:55 pm (UTC)
"It's everything else in my life that I want to enjoy. But the time spent doing pointless shit pays for everything else. If I'm not in an office doing pointless shit for X hours a week, I can't afford a gym membership or antidepressants or an apartment or a car."

I feel like that, my partner feels like that. Lots of people feel like that. You are not alone. If you were a person who went in and did a pointless job and enjoyed it, actually felt that their life would be empty without their job, now that is the kind of person who I feel hasn't got a life. The fact that you want to do something other than work for The Man is a good sign, not a bad one.
Unless you are working for a charity or a business that is actually doing some good in the world, and also, is treating you well, you shouldn't feel this awful guilt about not devoting your heart and soul to it.
Also, bear in mind that however little work you are doing, if no one has called you on it, your bosses are probably doing less work than you are!
Also, won't you get unofficial warnings if you are really underperforming?
You are doing brilliantly, don't give up.
Maybe you feel a bit down this week because you've done a bit less of the physical stuff lately? Exercise is like a drug. You may be missing the endorphins.
smashsc on June 13th, 2005 06:57 pm (UTC)
friendsfriends surfing and I feel kinda weird commenting on this since we don't know each other but I'm still going to. And it feels really weird because I don't do AA meetings and what I'm about to say sounds like such "program talk." Please know that it isn't, I'm not doing that, and this is genuine.

I'm at three years sober total and at 14 months + without any slips at all and I could really relate to alot of what you said and remember what that felt like on other parts.

And, yeah, I wonder sometimes about where, exactly, my fandom participation lies on the coping mechanism/crutch line. It was hard for me, for a long time, to talk about things with people outside of fandom because I had to explain what this chunk of my life was. And it was hard for me to talk to people in fandom because they couldn't really get the addiction thing. I you ever want to talk to someone who understands both things or hash out the ideas about anything or just want a shoulder to lean on my email is in my profile and such.
Herself_nycherself_nyc on June 13th, 2005 06:57 pm (UTC)
Oh babe. It is good that you're not drinking. And it is true that it's better if you have a sponsor and work the steps, but don't feel like you have to pull yourself up by your bootstraps? That's what One Day At A Time and Take It Easy are about ... those tiresome little slogans that are really very meaningful. You don't have to accomplish everything at once.
viverra_libroviverra_libro on June 13th, 2005 06:59 pm (UTC)
WORD. Right there with you on the job stuff. I'm feeling a bit better since I've started to look for another position, though. Maybe just the process of looking, of being forced to consider alternate lives, will help you feel better?

I totally get the obsessive feeling with the writing - for me, it's been a lot of things - buying (makeup, shoes, jewelry), online shopping/auctions, reading fic -- anything to keep part of my brain busy so I can coerce another part of it to do things it doesn't want to do - like work!

We should all go live in a commune somewhere. So long as they have the internet and pr0n.
Carlabeledibabe on June 13th, 2005 07:02 pm (UTC)
No Pollyannaish sentiments here, just an open ear.

And Larry Block? Prolific writer, funny, weird guy, but no psychologist.