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26 April 2005 @ 03:25 pm
what it's all about.  
In the AA meeting I went to this afternoon, the group secretary and main speaker was a cute young guy who had the crinkly-smile eyes of Alessandro Nivola. As incentives to attend meetings go...er, yes, right, that's not the point, I realize. But still.

The reading of the day focused on happiness, as in, happiness is not the point. You're not always going to be happy--you can't depend on it, you can't pursue every bright sparkly thing of the moment and clutch it as a possible answer. You have to accept that there'll be things you can't change, and mucky troughs of unhappiness, because if you don't, you're setting yourself up for shocks and an invitation to stumble and fall in that mud and flail and suffocate and be unearthed by dogs months later, rotting and pungent. The reading of course said it less graphically and more reasonably, but I can't find it online. And it was reasonable, but happiness is such a big goal for me, as a depressive personality, that I think: this croissant will enrich me! These earrings will make me happier! But trinkets and chocolate aside, when I feel just a free-floating happiness--balmy spring air, all my current ducks in a row, and all that--I think: yes, this is it, this is what I'm after. Serenity now (heh) and always. A light-hearted feeling, as someone in the meeting said today.

I'm just blathering. I have tried to keep to my schedule of the day--check LJ only at one o'clock, three o'clock, etc. It's hard, though. It's possibly more addicting than mind-altering substances.

ETA: You know, I bet employee productivity in this building would go up 39% if the walls were an actual color, something other than white. A nicely textured dual layer of warm colors. There should also be ferns.

Corporations are like vacuums going after a quota of rats souls.
thesaucyonethesaucyone on April 26th, 2005 10:48 pm (UTC)
I'm ashamed to say many a day it was the cute boy in the corner that kept me "Comin' back". Eh. Whatever it takes.
Anna S.: puppyeliade on April 26th, 2005 10:51 pm (UTC)
It's like a perk. *g*
ex_dovil323 on April 27th, 2005 12:53 am (UTC)
Ohhh, I now have that lighthearted feeling, I'm a total convert to it though I did get that way with my excessive twink and marker pen sniffing. Have I tilted my head at you and nodded solemnly and said how proud I am of you lately? I'd crinkle my eyes as well but they might not uncrinkle again.

LJ is the most addictive thing ever, even more than the contents of the stationery cupboard. Damn you work and your internet access!
viverra_libroviverra_libro on April 27th, 2005 01:18 am (UTC)
I respect you SO much for sticking to a schedule for LJ checking, even for one day. I am with the refresh button like a rat on crack. And it totally keeps me from concentrating on the stuff I should be concentrating on. Who wants to try to figure out some obscure point of some FDA guidance document when one could be checking for the next installment of some fic? (which is why I am checking the obscure point of the FDA guidance document As Soon As I Finish This Comment!!!! Also, boy is this going to be a long comment now!!)

Isn't it silly how we think "if only I ___ I'd be happy" or "If only I had ___ I'd be happy." I used to think that about clothes, and furniture, and jewelry, and shoes (well, I still think it about shoes). But it doesn't make you happy. Stuff just rules us. All the clothes I bought with such excitement have to be ironed and dry cleaned and take up way way way too much room. My vintage costume jewelry collection? I can't wear half of it in a month, so it sits in the massive tarnish-controlled armoires I got for it and, well, I guess it doesn't collect dust, but it just does *nothing*. And my ferrets have dug holes in the sofa I agonized over buying 6 years ago.

I like to think I'm getting to be more aware of how much work it is to take care of *stuff*, and how much it affects my debt load. I keep telling myself "stuff = slavery. liquidity = freedom". And sometimes it works, but still, more than I'd like, I succumb to 5 pairs of Charles David shoes on eBay, or the wiles of the Clarins counter woman. Well, at least I'm thinking about it now, which is an improvement.

So maybe letting go of thinking we *have* to be happy *right now* will help with the buying = happy thoughts. Well, you've certainly gotten me thinking about how I feel about happiness. Maybe serenity is a better goal.

Ok, now I'm just rambling all over the place, sorry! Going to offer my soul up to the giant corporate vaccuum cleaner!
Trepkos: Working by catvampcrazinestrepkos on April 27th, 2005 12:10 pm (UTC)
"possibly more addicting than mind-altering substances."

LJ is the most addictive thing I've allowed myself to become addicted to - it's like, an addiction to communication.
But is that a bad thing to be addicted to?