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16 April 2005 @ 07:50 pm

I'm feeling the need to blurt myself at the world, which I'm going to do despite the latest potential privacy issue. This is really my gesture toward sociability for the day. I need at least a virtual illusion of personal conversation with other people.

I haven't had a drink in six days; my Prozac dose has been up since last Friday; I've worked out every day since the ninth except for Wednesday; today I went to AA today for the second time ever--the first visit was last year and didn't work for me, but I think this one might. It was women-only and I liked that.

Last Wednesday I had an epiphany. Not a silly "epiphany" about, say, how I should grow my hair long to change my life, but one about drinking, where for the first time, finally, I understood that alcoholism is a disease. I don't know that I can really talk about it, at least not right now, because whatever I say will come out awkward and trite, but I'm trying to hold onto that insight.

I'm not going to drink today but I am feeling restless and queasy. I've identified the queasiness as fear, but I'm not sure of what. Maybe free-floating fear. Earlier today I watched a guy cutting tomatoes behind a deli counter and had a moment where I thought, Every day is just one more day cutting tomatoes--what's the point? I think that's where the fear is coming from. Plus I don't know what to do with myself today. I don't want to do much of anything, but there has to be something.

That's the daily blurt.

I'm a nominal bisexual, nominal because despite all the porn squirting from my fingers and dancing in my head I feel pretty asexual in real life. I've joined this new gym, and I just want to note: you shouldn't really worry about real or imaginary lesbians staring at your naked flesh. If you're someone who worries that way. I suspect a lot of lesbians or half-lesbians are like me, and are so discomforted at the possibility of being suspiciously squinted at that they take extra care not to stare at The Breasts and the Stuff Down There. Whereas straight women will casually bend over and walk around buck-naked holding conversations about kid troubles and jobs and their vacation in the Bahamas. The other day I passed a fortyish woman standing in her naked entirety next to an eight-year-old who was clearly a friend's daughter, chatting with her about school. Like me, the eight-year-old's gaze kept sliding off to the side away from the COMPLETE NAKEDNESS in front of her.

I know it's probably hard to believe but I'm a bit of a prude in real life. Body-shy, not too comfortable talking about sex, etc. I'm less uneasy in my body than I used to be, and can imagine getting progressively more easy with that kind of breastful sharing. But still.

I think I've said all I needed to say. Maybe I'll feel slightly less restless now. But hmm, I didn't Share with the Group yet how I ate three Godiva chocolates and had a bikini wax today. There. Now I have. Oh, and I didn't mention how I've been thinking about Vaughn/Jack for two straight days. It's a weird, weird fantasy. It's one of those imaginary slash pairings that pushes the envelope of plausibility--the kind that probably gives slashers a bad name to some people.

Hee.

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jonquil on April 17th, 2005 02:57 am (UTC)

At my work gym, the rule is rigidly Eyes To Yourself, and people solemnly walk to the shower wrapped in their 1.5 square feet of towel. (I'm too tall to actually cover the vital areas with a towel wrapped sideways, and I'm only 5'7".)

I wonder if it's the difference between working out with possible co-workers and working out with strangers?

Anyway, one of the blessings for middle-age (for me, anyway) is being well aware that there's nothing there to stare at, so why worry about it? When I had more to show off, then I was modest. What a retroactive waste.

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eliade on April 17th, 2005 03:28 am (UTC)

I wonder if it's the difference between working out with possible co-workers and working out with strangers?

Oh my god. Co-workers! I *so* don't think I could handle that. And I actually resist the idea of working out with people I know well. I feel guilty about this, but when I'm in the gym I don't want to know anyone else. I just want to be in my own headspace as deep as possible. Maybe there's some later, more social stage I haven't reached yet.

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jonquil on April 17th, 2005 05:05 am (UTC) (Expand)

witling on April 17th, 2005 03:08 am (UTC)

I thought I was the only one with the locker room thing. Or, at least, I didn't think I was the only one, but I haven't talked with anyone else about it. I've always been a little hinky about change rooms because even though nobody else knows I'm gay (no "G" on forehead), I do, and God knows I'm not interested in ogling anyone in there, or in being ogled, and yet... Internalized homophobia. Ask for it by name.

Giant lobsters are attacking on my television screen. It's an MST3K evening.

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eliade on April 17th, 2005 03:14 am (UTC)

Giant locusts are attacking on mine! *bounce* ("The Beginning of the End" with Peter Graves. *g*)

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witling on April 17th, 2005 03:21 am (UTC) (Expand)

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eliade on April 17th, 2005 03:31 am (UTC)

There are plenty of other sober slashers out there; I have a few on my list. I bet you could find plenty of people to talk to online, if AA/sobriety is something you want to pursue and this medium works well for you.

Hmm. I must look into that. I haven't looked around on LJ yet at all, and haven't heard about any mailing lists. (I tried to make one once, but I'm a terrible list admin. For terrible, read lazy. In my experience if a list admin doesn't stay pretty involved, things tend to die out to a dead silence.)

How often do you get your bikini wax done? I'm thinking about it, and I'm just curious as to the frequency of the torture.

I haven't gotten it done since last summer--I got it done again now because I want to start swimming at the gym. But I'd guess that to keep it up, you'd want to go every six weeks or so. Roughly. The pain isn't bad, really, and I say that as a wuss--though I liked getting my tattoos also. I think I have different thresholds for different kinds of pain.

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eliade on April 17th, 2005 03:48 am (UTC) (Expand)

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witling on April 17th, 2005 09:38 pm (UTC) (Expand)

lockenessie on April 17th, 2005 03:13 am (UTC)

Just had to comment about the locker room thing. I used to be terribly modest. But then I had three children... and when you are in labor it seems everyone comes to take a peek. At one point I think the janitor examined me.

RE: lesbians in locker rooms, as a straight woman, I never think about that. I think it's cause we all have the same equipment.

But... I wouldn't stand naked and chat with a child. There's being comfortable, and then there is exhibitionism.

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eliade on April 17th, 2005 03:32 am (UTC)

Just had to comment about the locker room thing. I used to be terribly modest. But then I had three children... and when you are in labor it seems everyone comes to take a peek. At one point I think the janitor examined me.

*g* It's definitely a general getting-older thing, I think--I'm much more comfortable in my midthirties than I was in my twenties about a lot of stuff. I get less modest, less worried about what other people think, less prone to pointless embarrassments, etc.

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trepkos on April 17th, 2005 10:29 pm (UTC) (Expand)

raincitygirl on April 17th, 2005 04:00 am (UTC)

Speaking as someone who comes from a long line of alcoholics and problem drinkers who have notably failed to deal with their drinking, I am tremendously impressed that you are taking these steps. Just admitting that alcoholism is a disease and trying to get out of its grip is HUGE. A lot huger than I think most "ordinary" people realize.

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eliade on April 18th, 2005 10:50 pm (UTC)

Thank you. :) It's freaking hard! But I plod on.

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tabaqui on April 17th, 2005 04:22 am (UTC)

Had to comment on the locker-room thing. Maybe it's only guys who get all hinkey about 'some homo' looking at them? 'Cause i have NEVER had the thought cross my mind. It seems a really weird thing to worry about.

Congratulations and good luck on your AA stuff - i'm so not good in that sort of environment - sharing is NOT my 'thing' - so hats off to you!

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eliade on April 18th, 2005 10:50 pm (UTC)

Congratulations and good luck on your AA stuff - i'm so not good in that sort of environment - sharing is NOT my 'thing' - so hats off to you!

Yeah, mine neither. But if I can find a few good meetings, it'll be something to do now and then. Plus they give you people's numbers so that you can call them to chat & stuff.

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tabaqui on April 18th, 2005 11:46 pm (UTC) (Expand)

ex_dovil323 on April 17th, 2005 05:00 am (UTC)

I think I'm quite prudish with the oversharing of flesh - I've had a couple of female friends who've asked if I wanted to go sunbathing, as in the topless variety, with them and that tends to be met with horrified looks and oh dear god, no! Maybe it's an only child thing or a cultural/social thing with set out personal space and not wanting to intrude. I'm more the kind of person who cranes their neck up at the ceiling and walks into benches when everyone's standing about with everything on display.

The fact that you are making an effort, taking huge steps to deal with the drinking, so very proud!

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eliade on April 18th, 2005 10:51 pm (UTC)

The fact that you are making an effort, taking huge steps to deal with the drinking, so very proud!

*kisses*

Also: your icon! Love!

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trepkos on April 19th, 2005 12:01 pm (UTC) (Expand)

rahirah on April 17th, 2005 06:27 am (UTC)

If I went to a gym, the last thing I'd be worried about was people ogling my bits. I'd be way more concerned with them sneering at my flab. *g*

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trepkos on April 17th, 2005 07:48 am (UTC)

Absolutely!
Pull that tummy in!

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eliade on April 18th, 2005 10:51 pm (UTC) (Expand)

geekturnedvamp on April 17th, 2005 07:30 am (UTC)

While it sometimes make me uncomfortable if I sense my being naked is making the other person uncomfortable, I'm so used to taking my clothes off in front of strangers that I almost never even pay attention to whether people are looking at me in the locker room or not. When I'm at the gym it's just me and my iPod (or me and my trainer) and short of not actually bumping into people, I might as well be in my own private world. (A friend came to check out my gym because she was thinking about joining and was like wow, there are so many hot guys here! And I had honestly never noticed, because at this point I just want to be able to do a full body push-up).

Also, and maybe this is a straight girl thing or perhaps a sex work thing in my case, but the idea of somebody watching me at the gym when there's no performance involved on my part seems odd to me, as if they were watching me eat or get a manicure or something--like, why would they want to? I mean, I suppose some people would want to anyway, but it's not like I look impressive or am doing something unusually proficient, so I imagine it would just be boring for them. (And God, this sounds really self-involved but I guess for me that's kind of the point of going to the gym, that it's all about me. *g*)

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eliade on April 18th, 2005 10:52 pm (UTC)

When I'm at the gym it's just me and my iPod (or me and my trainer) and short of not actually bumping into people, I might as well be in my own private world.

Yes, I'm like that too--or at least I cultivate the bubble. I need to focus when I'm at the gym. It's not really a social place for me. :)

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darcydodo on April 17th, 2005 07:49 am (UTC)

I suspect a lot of lesbians or half-lesbians are like me, and are so discomforted at the possibility of being suspiciously squinted at that they take extra care not to stare at The Breasts and the Stuff Down There.

It's so true. Every time a girl changes in front of me, I'm very careful Not To Look, even if they clearly don't care.

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eliade on April 18th, 2005 10:53 pm (UTC)

*grin*

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yonmei on April 17th, 2005 08:08 am (UTC)

*waves hand*

I'm a lesbian, and I look. Surreptitiously, discreetly, but I do. ;-)

OTOH, it was sharing a changing room regularly with a straight woman who was a close friend, and her two daughters, none of them in any way bodyshy, that convinced me I really didn't need to be bodyshy myself - there are some places in the world where nakedness is absolutely acceptable, seen but not noticed, and a changing room is one of them.

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eliade on April 18th, 2005 10:54 pm (UTC)

I'm a lesbian, and I look. Surreptitiously, discreetly, but I do. ;-)

I suppose as long as you don't *taste*...heh.

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yonmei on April 18th, 2005 10:55 pm (UTC) (Expand)

trepkos on April 17th, 2005 08:25 am (UTC)

"Every day is just one more day cutting tomatoes--what's the point?"

There's no answer to that - except that you should try and be the best tomato cutter you can, and also you should do your best to enjoy cutting the tomato... I think you cut a pretty good tomato.

Re. the gym nakedness thing - I used to be extremely body shy as a kid, then when I was 15 I went to this quasi-hindu religious festival where we all had to sleep on camp beds in the same room, (separate ones for guys and girls) and the showers were all open, and I just sort of thought "fuck it, what have I been worried about?" Now I just don't care. I sunbathe topless - I'd sunbathe naked if it was allowed. I'm more bothered about other people being bothered than for myself. I just think people should get over it! I mean, if you do give someone a cheap thrill, you're doing a public service, right? And they don't have to look!
It's a bit like at a night club at the start of the evening - when people are embarrassed to get up and dance - just do it. No one really cares. So what if a bunch of strangers think you look like a dork flailing around on your own?

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eliade on April 18th, 2005 10:54 pm (UTC)

It's a bit like at a night club at the start of the evening - when people are embarrassed to get up and dance - just do it. No one really cares. So what if a bunch of strangers think you look like a dork flailing around on your own?

Like Angel when he dances...

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trepkos on April 19th, 2005 11:57 am (UTC) (Expand)

viverra_libro on April 17th, 2005 01:09 pm (UTC)

re: going to gym -- major praise for you; I am bad and rarely work up the determination to go. It's commendable that you're taking care of yoursef.

re: nameless fear -- what are five things you'd have to do/deal with if you were sober all the time? (no need to tell me, just tell yourself).

re: bikini wax -- me too! 'though I got it all off except for a bit at the top/front, 'cause I have no interest in looking like I have the genitals of a pre-pubescent girl. The lady did my stomach first, 'though, and I don't think I like it. It's like someone else's tummy, and I am dreading the ingrowns that have always happened when I've done it before. Ah, well, beauty knows no pain, and all that rot.

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eliade on April 18th, 2005 10:54 pm (UTC)

re: bikini wax -- me too! 'though I got it all off except for a bit at the top/front, 'cause I have no interest in looking like I have the genitals of a pre-pubescent girl. The lady did my stomach first, 'though, and I don't think I like it. It's like someone else's tummy, and I am dreading the ingrowns that have always happened when I've done it before. Ah, well, beauty knows no pain, and all that rot.

Brave Soldiers of the Bikini Wax, we salute you! (Or ourselves. You know.)

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_swallow on April 17th, 2005 01:59 pm (UTC)

When I was younger, I used to be terrified of undressing before people not my mother, because I was conscious of my body as really ugly. In sixth grade we had lockers for gym class and I found one in the very last row, where no one else had chosen a spot, so that I wouldn't have to change with anyone else. Older, whenever I went to the gym to swim with my family I'd take my bathing suit into the bathroom stalls to change.

On top of that self-consciousness I was also aware of my own lesbian gaze. I don't think I made too much of a point of averting my eyes, though, because as a young adolescent I didn't particularly carry any lesbian signifiers and didn't think anyone would be on guard against me.

The self-consciousness changed last semester when I got to college and ::cough:: started having a lot of sex with a lot of people, sometimes several at once. Wow, that sounds degenerate when I type it out loud. Still: there's really no point in being embarrassed to pull your shirt off when in a moment the person whose gaze is in question is going to be touching you. Every woman's beautiful when you're fucking her (I wouldn't want to fuck anyone who didn't feel that to be true).

... I'm kind of embarrassed. Maybe I should post this anonymously. Ah, I don't care.

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