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15 March 2005 @ 08:45 am
jitterbuggish  
I stand on the edge of a pit filled with spam--I teeter--I dive! I am a little wound up, I think, trying to juggle my life--my eggs--my life eggs. Something like that. So, before I cut away, I just want to note that when I cut away for an "Intemperate thoughts" post, it doesn't necessarily mean that it's all stories of failure and unhappy content with regard to drinking, etc. It could be perky!content. Or just confused!content. But I needed a standard cut-tag and I couldn't think of anything better, so this is what I've got. Anyway.



I came very close to drinking last night for no particular reason. It was eight o'clock, an hour till the liquor store closed, and I was conscious of the hour ticking away the entire time. By the end of the hour I was tired. I was trying to watch Alias on DVD but ended up going to bed at 9:20. Slept. Woke. And now it's Tuesday. Which is also Day Two of a week where I'm attempting not to spend money on breakfast and lunch. Eat breakfast at home and bring lunch to work, is my plan. It's hard. I love going to the Crumpet Shop for breakfast, or lunch, or both some days, because it has a social aspect. They're nice people (it's a family business) and they know my name and we chat, plus I sit and read there--it's relaxing down time. I don't know what I'm going to do about that. It really is expensive. Anyway, so far so good on being less spendy, but it's also less fun.

At work, I can see myself getting overinvested in ownership of a certain project. I need to step back and respect the desire of specialists to own their content, or I risk putting myself in an unhappy position. I have to acknowledge that everything here has a slow growth curve. I can't just step in and take everything on myself, even though I think I'm the best person to get the task done. Hopefully, writing this down will help me keep my objectivity. Also, when I'm overinvested things get personal and out of balance. I risk focusing on work and ignoring the rest of my life, and when I'm smack in the middle of trying to get other bits of my life in order, that'd be a pretty stupid way to trap myself and trip myself up.

I feel a bit dull today. I'm reflecting back the Seattle sky, which is overcast. There is a bag of carrots on my desk. I like to think of them as THE CARROTS OF DEATH. Just because.

Back to work now.
 
 
 
LadyCatladycat777 on March 15th, 2005 04:47 pm (UTC)
*fears the carrots of death*

Hopefully, writing this down will help me keep my objectivity

I hope so too. Objectivity is nice and less-stress inducing all around *snuggles you objectively*
Anna S.eliade on March 15th, 2005 04:50 pm (UTC)
*snuggles you back and purrs*
julia_herejulia_here on March 15th, 2005 05:04 pm (UTC)
Very grey day, after all that shiny blue-and-gold for the past week; was amazed, going over the Ship Canal Bridge on our way to Wallingford how the U District was glowing like a handful of red and green garnets in the late winter night.

Lunch is always an issue; no matter how virtuous the impulse, packed lunches are always a bit stale and a lot lonely.

Julia, commenting instead of working, because I am not inherently virtuous
Anna S.eliade on March 15th, 2005 05:11 pm (UTC)
Very grey day, after all that shiny blue-and-gold for the past week;

Yes! It was very springlike and now it's cold again.

was amazed, going over the Ship Canal Bridge on our way to Wallingford how the U District was glowing like a handful of red and green garnets in the late winter night.

Ohhh. Pretty. :)

Lunch is always an issue; no matter how virtuous the impulse, packed lunches are always a bit stale and a lot lonely.

Exactly. Frozen single-woman microwaveable meals. Yummmm...meh.

Julia, commenting instead of working, because I am not inherently virtuous

Are any of us? *g* I think I've known exactly one woman who was inherently virtuous. She was amazing and admirable and occasionally irritating. Heh.
Minim Calibreminim_calibre on March 15th, 2005 06:43 pm (UTC)
I am a woman of little virtue, therefore, I too am commenting instead of buckling down and working.

Cold is good! Grey is good! I'm very glad to see the warmth easing away, and hope it stays like this for the next few weeks.

(I'm far too warm most of the time now. In my normal state, however, I'm almost always too cold. I'll be glad to get my normal state back.)

Lunch, when one doesn't work from home, is an issue. I never, or almost never, brought my lunch when I was contracting at MS. I just couldn't deal with the slightly soggy, slightly squished sandwiches or the burnt edges of a microwave meal. No, I would go to the cafeteria and buy some horrifically overpriced foodstuff, which I would then take back to my desk.

On occasion, I would sternly remind myself of all the things I could be spending that money on, were I to bring my lunch instead, but the reminders never worked for more than a day or so.
Anna S.: byzantiumeliade on March 15th, 2005 06:50 pm (UTC)
Cold is good! Grey is good! I'm very glad to see the warmth easing away, and hope it stays like this for the next few weeks.

I'd prefer cold if it would snow. Snow! All winter everyone has been teasing me with their stories of snow!

Lunch, when one doesn't work from home, is an issue. I never, or almost never, brought my lunch when I was contracting at MS. I just couldn't deal with the slightly soggy, slightly squished sandwiches or the burnt edges of a microwave meal.

Especially when there are so many wonderful sandwiches waiting out there in the world, sometimes with french fries. Plus, waitresses: I almost always love being waited on.
(Deleted comment)
Anna S.eliade on March 15th, 2005 05:13 pm (UTC)
No-reason drinking feels the...lamest, I guess, to me. No excuses, just, you know, why not?

Yes. Yes, that's it.

Well, I know why not, and, yet. Sometimes it's just because it comes in these cute little festive bottles. Damn their cuteness!

Airplane bottles! I always have a drink on airplanes. It seems the thing to do, you know?

(And is it social drinking if you drink alone, but you're going to be around people at *some* point, while still buzzed? Is it being ahead of the game? Is it rationalizing? I wonder about these things....)

Can one be social with oneself? Like how masturbation is still sex, because it's sex with someone you love? *g*

I'm drinking a Coke right now--not diet--which is just as bad for me. I'm such a rebel.

Instead of drinking last night, I had popcorn. Which is high in fiber, but undermined by salt and butter. And I'm finding lately that I have to drink Diet Coke with popcorn--my usual iced tea is just wrong, somehow. So that feels mildly rebellious of me, which perhaps helps in the big psycho(logical) scheme of me.
(Deleted comment)
Anna S.eliade on March 15th, 2005 05:52 pm (UTC)
I'm sort of on the outs with myself, right now, so I masturbate in an angry, angry way. Can't wait for the make-up sex, though.

Hee. You are funny.

Diet Coke is amazing with M&Ms. Seriously crack-like.

I can only eat M&Ms when they're very warm. I don't eat them often, but when I do I usually microwave them. *g*
Trepkostrepkos on March 15th, 2005 06:44 pm (UTC)
"when I do I usually microwave them."

Do the shells crack or do they melt?
Or does just the inside melt?
How do you make sure you don't burn your tongue?
The Alpha Beta: I wantdiluvian on March 15th, 2005 06:55 pm (UTC)
Ah, yes, popcorn. I shall not drink, therefore I shall stuff my face with crunchy salty goodness.

It's an acceptible substitute for me, too.
Anna S.: spike_goldeliade on March 15th, 2005 07:10 pm (UTC)
I whiled away the time by trying to net-shot kernels into my mouth. *g*
laurashapiro on March 15th, 2005 06:30 pm (UTC)
I completely understand the lure of the Crumpet Shop. We have an overpriced California-cuisiney shop just around the corner that has the best breakfast pastries, an amazing yogurt-organic fruit-granola box that I'm *completely* addicted to, and salads with things like grilled asparagus and feta and hearts of palm in them.

::adore::

It all costs way, way too much. Every time I crumble and eat there I feel weak, yet satisfied. Every time I eat breakfast at home or bring my lunch, I feel virtuous, yet blah (because really, a bowl of oatmeal compared to that fruit box? puh-leeze. It's got mangoes in it!).

Always a struggle.

Congrats on being drink-free yesterday.
Anna S.: muldereliade on March 15th, 2005 06:43 pm (UTC)
that has the best breakfast pastries, an amazing yogurt-organic fruit-granola box that I'm *completely* addicted to, and salads with things like grilled asparagus and feta and hearts of palm in them.

Ohhhhhhhh. Tease me, yes, tease me.

(because really, a bowl of oatmeal compared to that fruit box? puh-leeze. It's got mangoes in it!).

Oatmeal is good, very good. And yet. *sigh*

Congrats on being drink-free yesterday.

Thank you! :)
laurashapiro on March 15th, 2005 06:54 pm (UTC)
Oh, I don't mean to slam oatmeal. I like oatmeal a whole lot.

But...

Dude, it's not just you I'm teasing. I might have to have one of those salads for lunch. I was good and ate breakfast at home!

Dang. I don't want this to turn into a mutual enabler's society. /:
Anna S.: seattleeliade on March 15th, 2005 07:09 pm (UTC)
Dang. I don't want this to turn into a mutual enabler's society. /:

No worries. *g* I was kind of teasing about being teased. I just virtuously ate yogurt!
laurashapiro on March 15th, 2005 07:15 pm (UTC)
Mmm. Yogurt...
Trepkostrepkos on March 15th, 2005 06:46 pm (UTC)
"Congrats on being drink-free yesterday."

Seconded, thirded, whatever...
Anna S.eliade on March 15th, 2005 06:50 pm (UTC)
Thanks! :)
(Deleted comment)
Anna S.: scary_girleliade on March 15th, 2005 07:11 pm (UTC)
I hesitate to reply to such posts because I am completely inept at these things

I feel the same away about so many posts. :/

it's those sudden holes in what seemed like a seamless highway that trip me up. It's sudden, it's pointless, it has no reason, and yet it is.

Yep. Just...yep. *squeeze*
Mal: malnpudl pic by http://illustmaker.abi-smalnpudl on March 15th, 2005 07:16 pm (UTC)
(Sorry... reposted with corrected html... meh.)

Pardon me if I'm overstepping any boundaries here since you don't know me yet, but I've got around 15 years of 99.9% sobriety at this point (just a very few very brief detours back into the bottle along the way) so I thought I'd chime in.

I came very close to drinking last night for no particular reason.

For me, I've found, there's always a reason. Especially when it feels like no particular reason. That clock-watching thing... yeah. Harder now, much harder, since I'm across the street from a 24-hour supermarket. Entirely too easy.

When the impulse gets fierce or even just all too persistent, if I can't fill the time otherwise with effective distractions, journalling sometimes brings me to the reason. It's usually rambling and circuitous... repetetive I feel/I want statements that wander through I won't because and last time I did and this is how it feels when I don't and then the impulse is allowed its voice with this is why I want to anyway... and sometimes the reason is unearthed. Sometimes it's just a way to fill the time and not drink.

And every time I don't, the habit of sobriety is strengthened. For me, that's been vital. Habit is much, much stronger than will-power, at least in my case; over time it's greatly minimized the need to make the conscious choice not to drink since the unconscious habit has largely taken over providing the automatic that's simply not an option programming. There are still times when I've got to wrestle the demon, but they're far fewer now, even though life in general is anything but easier.

Just me, fwiw.

Congrats on making it through yesterday.
Anna S.eliade on March 15th, 2005 09:16 pm (UTC)
Pardon me if I'm overstepping any boundaries here since you don't know me yet,

No worries. The posts are public, after all. ;)

For me, I've found, there's always a reason. Especially when it feels like no particular reason.

Yeah. True. I could say "existential gloom and niggling doubts and loneliness," but I settle for "no reason."

And every time I don't, the habit of sobriety is strengthened. For me, that's been vital. Habit is much, much stronger than will-power,

So true for me too, and probably for most people in this boat.

Congrats on making it through yesterday.

Thanks. :)
(Deleted comment)
Anna S.eliade on March 15th, 2005 09:53 pm (UTC)
Re: no particular reason
Aww. *squeeblushsquish* You are always so sweet. :) And now, please write a thousand-word essay on why I rule, citing all references, with index.

/ducks and runs
witlingwitling on March 15th, 2005 11:54 pm (UTC)
Hours like that one go very, very slowly. Yes.

I will post Spander for you soon. Because you are good.

It may not be good Spander, though. No rose gardens, here.
Anna S.eliade on March 16th, 2005 12:03 am (UTC)
Hours like that one go very, very slowly. Yes.

Sometimes work hours go that slowly too. ::looks at clock::

I will post Spander for you soon. Because you are good.

Awww. Yay! :)

It may not be good Spander, though. No rose gardens, here.

All Spander is good Spand--strike that. All *your* Spander is good Spander. *g*
MustangSally: CHOOSE CARBSmustangsally78 on March 16th, 2005 01:05 am (UTC)
THE CARROTS OF DEATH.
Is what you feed plot bunnies, eh?

I am a smoker. A fucking Wagnerian Marlboro Woman who could go toe to toe with Dennis Leary and not cough. I've *attempted* to quit numerous times - so I'm sayin' if you fall off the Vespa from time to time, all is not lost. If you cheat on your diet nobody pillories you for fuck's sake! But I remember sitting during one attempt, watching the XFILES and counting the minutes before I could run outside to smoke. In my own house.

Now I have to make it from 11:30 to 3:10 with 65 insane freshmen spread over that time span without lighting a butt and not killing the little fuckers.

Any time you make it through a minute, it's a good thing, even if you're asleep!

:::smokey smooch:::

Sally