Anna S. (eliade) wrote,
Anna S.

thoughts of the day.

I really appreciate all the responses to my post the other day, from all perspectives. I want to answer them, but haven't revisited the thread yet, and the more time that passes the greater likelihood that I'll just move forward. I'll probably start posting more again on this subject, starting here. I'll cut-tag regularly, probably using the text below, for anyone who wants to scroll past. Please, please, please filter yourself out if it'll bother you to read this stuff.

Drinking has been cropping up as an issue again for a few months. Winter's been hard. I had to stop seeing my trainer. She left my gym and I intended to join her new one after her holiday break, but then didn't, because I didn't have the money. So it's been a while since I've worked out. At the same time I was switching gears on my antidepressants, as a new combo wasn't working. Sloth and moodiness contributed to a backslide.

I still need to tell myself that it's a substance *abuse* thing, and not so much an addicition because, I guess, the idea of addiction--as it's generally accepted--seems like a life sentence. I mean, I easily went most of the summer without drinking, and I was happy and fulfilled and energetic. And that was when my medications were working optimally, before the side-effects showed up.

I wish I didn't feel as if I need the meds to complete me in some sense, to straighten out the kinks of brain chemistry, but lately I find myself thinking about them the way other people might think of god: as something that needs to be there, a presence in my life, like the ground beneath me, before I can even hope to stand on my own two feet, do anything myself. Is *that* a life sentence? That's a rhetorical question that I maybe don't want answers to.

My therapist, a few months ago, tried to caution me that there's no one-time fix. Depression recurs, meds can stop working, and what I need to do is build myself an emotional and mental tool-kit to deal with it when that happens. I found this to be a horrible thought. I guess I recognize the likelihood, objectively--I'm experiencing it now--but I want the ground to be solid. Stable. I don't want to walk around prey to sudden earthquakes that tip me off balance.

At the moment I think the new med combo is kicking in. I'm feeling better, and am trying to get the drinking back under control. I went four days this week without drinking, which was good. Last night, I drank. Just under a pint of whiskey. I can kill a bottle pretty easily, usually with no significant hangover. Once I start on a bottle I don't usually stop until it's gone.

Weekends are hard. When you've got your head down throughout the week, focusing on work, going through a routine, it can be a bit easier. But the weekend makes you look up and you face that surrounding blankness of your life. You don't have anyone to be with, nothing to do on a Friday night. You could write, yeah, but you watch TV instead, and yet *still* need something to distract yourself from the blankness. Take the edge off, blot everything out.

I rarely even enjoy drinking any more. It's just a thing I do. Sometimes it'll be just perfect, it'll hit the spot like a hammer on a nail, with a sweet ping. The rest of the time it's just a habit of distraction, medicinal.

My therapist wants me to focus on this problem. My homework from this past week was to look into finding a weekend AA or RR meeting, and maybe something online too. Like, a fannish Rational Recovery community or something. If anyone knows of such a group, let me know.

I called my trainer today finally. I've been so procrastinatory for the last few weeks even with money in hand. I get in these funks--I had 22 messages on my answering machine, dating back over a month, before I finally listened and cleared them today. Fortunately none were important; most were just hang-ups.

Another thing I've delayed doing is picking up my sneakers from my old gym. I think my locker must have expired, and god knows whether they kept the sneakers or just threw them away. It gnaws at the back of my mind, but I'm in avoidance mode. I pass by the gym all the time but don't go in. It's so stupid. Such a small thing, but a task I'm having trouble crossing off my list.

I feel like I always have to be exercising one indulgence at any given time. If it's not drinking it's eating sugary gooey things, and if it's not eating, it's spending too much money. And of course sometimes it's a combination of all these. In general, it's not taking care of myself.

This post has been a bit zig-zaggy and random, hasn't it?

Anyway, that's the state of the me right now. Trying to climb back out of my winter slump.
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