Anna S. (eliade) wrote,
Anna S.

some personal stuff I'm posting publically...

I made a comment on someone's LJ, but it's a locked post, and after I wrote it, I decided to post here with some edits.

I got defriended about a year ago by someone I knew for a long time in fandom, because she didn't like reading about my alcoholic behaviors on LJ. I paraphrase slightly. She didn't tell me why until I wrote and asked her, and then she was offended that I'd asked. She didn't so much state her concern for me, as she "didn't want to lose respect for me" (somehow I think she meant "further respect for me") by exposing herself to my thoughts, etc. Ironically when I reviewed my posts for the month prior, they were pretty much all on fannish topics, with--I recall--nothing about drinking or related issues.

I've never really fully let go of my anger, even though it's her issue, not mine. It affected me: I dropped off of LJ for a bit. I questioned my assumptions, in a general way, of the goodwill and respect of people I'd known in fandom for years--*did* they like and respect me, or did they share these feelings about me? I filtered out tons of people from LJ that I liked reading simply because they often mentioned her name--I still do. I didn't go to Escapade these past two years, mostly for money reasons, but the risk of brushing up against her was also in the back of my mind. I also stopped posting about my drinking.

And I'm not sure that last one is entirely beneficial, because I'd heard from so many other people that it was helpful to read about my experiences, to find someone else talking about issues (substance abuse, depression) that they shared in some degree. So I'm still wondering if I should return to a greater level of disclosure, of publishing my thoughts. Whenever I contemplate the subject I think about the bravery of a writer like Anne Lamott, who puts it all out there and just blows me away with her honest humanity. I think on the one hand there's nothing wrong with wanting to be like her, as a writer and a person, but on the other hand, I ask myself: do I want to put it all out there on the Internet, not knowing who's reading it? I don't know.

There were some benefits to this--I think the experience factored into my decision to take a leave of absence from work, which was a good experience, and to begin therapy, and to work out again, this time with a trainer. I mean, these were definitely decisions with a wider basis of issues driving my actions, but there was this shadow lurking in the background that made me question things. Still. Anger is there too. I wish I could let go of it.

My thoughts for the day.

ETA: I don't really need people to comment about this other person's actions or issues. It's really "all about me" here. (It's possibly too often all about me, but that's another issue entirely.) This was just stuff I finally needed to get out, I guess, after not talking about it for so long.
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