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19 February 2005 @ 03:49 pm
writing: the flip side.  
It's one of those days where I hate my writing. Hate it! And I don't need feedback or reassurance--what I'm feeling is the frustrating kind of dissatisfaction that has nothing to do with feedback. It's when you read other people's writing and are just blown away, and envious, because everything they do brilliantly is exactly what seems to be missing in your own writing--for example, the gift of rushing spontaneity that rips up layer after layer of raw, real emotion in a reader--and you don't know how to get it. And then you see two or three of your stories mentioned by people, and each time you click and start rereading your old stuff, looking for that jolt of satisfaction, where your eyes will slide down the page and you say to yourself, "Ah, yes, they still like this one, and justifiably so..." And instead you reread and are like, "Arghhhhhh! WTF was I thinking, punctuating like that?! Ohmygod it's all so redundant! And stilted! And pitiful! And that, that doesn't sound like Spike *at all*. My god, I suck rotten eggs. I need to revise *everything*. I need to revise *every story I've ever written* and I need to do it *right* *now* before anyone else reads another word!"

So I'm going to go watch Angel. Joss will comfort me. Yes yes yes.
 
 
Current Mood: I only wish it was PMS
 
 
 
WesleysGirlwesleysgirl on February 20th, 2005 12:05 am (UTC)
*Hugs you*

If it helps, I admire your writing because you have this amazing ability to capture a moment of description with a collection of words that is utterly unique. It's like opening a window and getting a breath of fresh air filled with the scents of a dozen individual things, all of them exactly what you were needing.
Trepkostrepkos on February 20th, 2005 12:27 am (UTC)
"the gift of rushing spontaneity that rips up layer after layer of raw, real emotion in a reader--"

Hey, "Subtleties" totally does that to me. Still, after 4 or 5 readings.
So does any emotional scene you write with Spike and Xander or Spike and Buffy...or Spike...
witlingwitling on February 20th, 2005 12:31 am (UTC)
I have no comfort for you. But I myself am comforted by the knowledge that you have these days, too.
(Deleted comment)
Trepkostrepkos on February 20th, 2005 12:50 am (UTC)
Yeah, crazy fools aren't they?
love and shadowpuppetsstrangecreature on February 20th, 2005 12:36 am (UTC)
Huh ... and I've got the same thing going on, in a strange reverse way. I was amusing myself by reading some community where people post examples of crappy fic, and then realized, "Oi. What if this is how people see *my* writing??" The first stuff I posted has a tendancy to scream into a megaphone for revision.

I swear this isn't the reassurance you specifically said not to give, but your writing is fecking beautiful and I'd stalk you if I had the means. *runs away*
savoy trufflesavoytruffle on February 20th, 2005 12:39 am (UTC)
This is empathy, not reassurance, but I totally know what you mean because you are that person for me. There's very little I read, even stuff that I really love, that makes me feel like I, personally, really should be doing something different, better. But your stories hit me that way almost every time. But often, when I read you, it inspires me to write and see what I can do, even though I know I won't get exactly what I see in you.
tabaquitabaqui on February 20th, 2005 12:57 am (UTC)
It's when you read other people's writing and are just blown away, and envious, because everything they do brilliantly is exactly what seems to be missing in your own writing--for example, the gift of rushing spontaneity that rips up layer after layer of raw, real emotion in a reader--and you don't know how to get it.

Well, fuck yes.
In fact, when I read YOUR stuff, I look with extreme dissatisfaction on my own Spike and Xander and pout and grump and wail.

So, you know, right there with ya on that.

:)
Lostgirllostgirlslair on February 20th, 2005 01:03 am (UTC)
::big hugs:: because I know exactly what you mean. Feel better!
The Prettiest. No really, I am.saucy_wench on February 20th, 2005 02:46 am (UTC)
I know exactly what you're saying.

I go back a year later and read something I wrote and while I know it's good, I can't believe I did some of the stupid things I did.

This is why I don't read my stuff. It depresses me and gets me stressed out.
take to the sky: scrabblejezebelz on February 20th, 2005 03:15 am (UTC)
...whereas when I read your stuff, I think "yes, this is how it's supposed to go." Your season noir is practically canon for me. The characters sound like the characters (sometimes more than they did on the show...*cough* season 7 *cough*) and you have this cinematic approach to your writing that's just amazing. I keep referencing things to my husband and he goes "That never happened on the show," and I say "Well, not on the show." One of these days he'll actually finish season noir and then all the things I say will make perfect sense. Where that's concerned, anway. :)
julia_herejulia_here on February 20th, 2005 03:59 am (UTC)
I know what you mean, in spades: as others have said, you are one of the people who does this to me, but also, lately,
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I know what you mean, in spades: as others have said, you are one of the people who does this to me, but also, lately, <lj-user=dodyskin>, who puts out little bits of wordmusic which I would give 10000 plotty linear words to have written.

Writing sucks. Why do people do it? Why do I do it? Well, there's this tall guy from Minnesota who says "Because we have to."

Julia, struggling with a freaking crucial paragraph which will not lie down and do its job
Destina: one last edit - lanningdestina on February 20th, 2005 04:55 am (UTC)
And then you see two or three of your stories mentioned by people, and each time you click and start rereading your old stuff, looking for that jolt of satisfaction...And instead you reread and are like, "Arghhhhhh! WTF was I thinking, punctuating like that?! Ohmygod it's all so redundant! And stilted! And pitiful!

*wince* Every time I see one of my earliest stories mentioned or rec'd, I feel *guilty*. As though people are going to go and read it and be like, that piece of shit? Someone *likes* it?? Realistically, I know they aren't that bad, it's just that I've come far enough to know how far I've come. *g* But still. I understand how you feel.
raqsraqs on February 20th, 2005 05:11 am (UTC)
amen. and also, amen.

plus cramps.
saussy7spoons on February 20th, 2005 05:46 am (UTC)
for example, the gift of rushing spontaneity that rips up layer after layer of raw, real emotion in a reader

I know you weren't asking for praise, but the truth is, this is exactly what your writing does for me.
rubywisp: angelus whatever by kmandersonrubywisp on February 20th, 2005 08:14 am (UTC)
Heh. With a double side helping of oh, yeah.

::kisses::
Killa: baby crane dorkykillabeez on February 20th, 2005 09:11 am (UTC)
God, I'm so there with you. And also with the people who said that you are that person, for them. Heck, I would never have even read any Buffy fic if it wasn't for you and gwyn_r.

It doesn't help, though, does it? That negative inner voice is a bitch. I sympathize. I think the best thing you can do is just take it as a sign that you're reaching a new skill level - and the reaction is one of recognizing that, in a way. Step on that frustration and use it to write something. :-)

Now, if only I could take that advice. I was close to posting something remarkably similar last night, but I fell asleep watching Angel instead. *g*