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14 November 2004 @ 03:14 pm
the eternal personal stuff of the spotted mind  

My medication and I am not getting along. This is the fourth antidepressant I've tried in combination with Wellbutrin. I felt so great and optimistic over the summer with #1 and #2, but both times a side-effect kicked in. #3 was just a short-lived disaster, and with #4, my side-effect of choice has come back; also, it doesn't do a lot to keep me chipper. Doesn't have a lot of zing. Tomorrow I have an appointment for another medication check-in.

I don't have a lot to offer in this mood. Depression is very boring and pointless, and it feels like you should be able to get over it with a bracing dose of self-discipline, but that's not necessarily so. It's often closely aligned with writer's block for me--they have similarities--which is why I sometimes take it personally when people say that writer's block is all in the mind, and you should be able to work through it, mastering it with good Puritan habits of hard, regular work. Yeah, well. A lot of things are in the mind; that doesn't make them any less powerful.

I'm not really paying attention to NaNoWriMo and I don't have much energy to feel guilty about it. Bad timing; maybe next year. Right now I'm lucky if I do my weekly laundry and pick up around my apartment. Making it through takes all my efforts. It's like being lost in a forest when you're not sure you're going to make it out. It's all just maintenance right now; work, weight, life.

So cheery. :>P I must bury my face in an imaginary kitten.

In my nonwork hours I'm watching a lot of MST3K and plowing through a lot of mystery novels. L. R. Wright, Giles Blunt, Peter Lovesey, Barry Maitland, Peter Robinson, Margaret Yorke, Frances Fyfield, Ruth Rendell. Some new to me, some re-reads.

Just checking in, hello, etc. Not much to say. Hope everyone else is hanging in there even when everything feels like winter.
kassrachel on November 14th, 2004 03:17 pm (UTC)
My preferred metaphor for depression is being in a small boat lost at sea. (Usually in my mind it's a grey, icy sea; this is probably because I've read too many polar exploration books.) I know if I keep paddling I will probably reach shore eventually, but when I'm in that boat I'm not sure which direction shore is, and sometimes it's hard to muster the will to even dip the paddle in the water.

Good luck finding the right med combination. And good luck reaching shore.

On an unrelated note, do you particularly recommend any of the mysteries you're reading? I may need to get someone a mystery novel as a gift this winter and I know nothing about the genre besides Dorothy Sayers.
Anna S.eliade on November 14th, 2004 03:22 pm (UTC)
On an unrelated note, do you particularly recommend any of the mysteries you're reading? I may need to get someone a mystery novel as a gift this winter and I know nothing about the genre besides Dorothy Sayers.

If you're not sure what type of authors the person likes, I'd say probably go with Barry Maitland. L.R. Wright and Giles Blunt are Canadian authors, if that's of any interest. But they're all very good.

Kres: bluekres on November 14th, 2004 03:20 pm (UTC)
I've known blocks. I haven't known depression.

All I can offer is my eternal and undying love for your work.

And all I can offer is {{{hugs}}}.

*{{{hugs}}} you a lot*

Anna S.eliade on November 14th, 2004 03:27 pm (UTC)
Thanks. :>) {{within the hug}}
savoy trufflesavoytruffle on November 14th, 2004 03:23 pm (UTC)
Not fully certain what to say here, but want to say something. So I will say that you (as you are represented by the words of this entry) make sense. I hope you know and remember that.
Anna S.eliade on November 14th, 2004 03:30 pm (UTC)
It's always hard to know what to say when someone posts something personal; I suffer that frozen bemusement constantly and tend to assume most people will be at a loss, so I understand. I just posted mainly because I didn't want people to wonder what happened to me, and because the thoughts sort of crystallized in my head. Thanks for your comment. :>)
savoy trufflesavoytruffle on November 14th, 2004 03:38 pm (UTC)
Well, I'm glad you posted. I was wondering.

In the sense that you have been and shall forever remain, my ultimate Spander hero, I do think about you with relative regularity, mostly in the context of "I wonder if she ever sees or reads things that I write" or "Hmm, how can I make this more like 'Subtleties'?"

You kinda bring out the creep, obessive stalker in me, though fortunately, I don't think my personality tends very far in that direction...
torchflambeau on November 14th, 2004 03:39 pm (UTC)
I send hugs. I also sent a small package a while ago, but I've realized that what passes for a post office here is not very good with postage stuff, so it may be lost at sea; if you never get it, let me know and I'll try again. *mwah*
julia_herejulia_here on November 14th, 2004 03:40 pm (UTC)

Not much to say for itself, as a month, and if you're already depressed and playing meds roulette, November is a complicating factor.

Ever thought of going to the Zoo and hanging out in the Tropical Rainforest exhibit? I've found that helpful more than once, especially the big aviary. The shark exhibit in Tacoma also helps, sometimes.

If my eternal gratitude for your work helps at all, you've got that too. Especially for Involuntary Bodies, right now, which I'm holding up as a shining example of just how hot subtlety can be.

Julia, all for artificial summer, wherever its available

for you I'd bleed myself dryboniblithe on November 14th, 2004 03:42 pm (UTC)
Hi! I'm glad to see you posting today. I was reading fic of yours today, actually. I haven't finished it yet, I keep getting interrupted, but I wanted to let you know that so far I am really, really, really enjoying Involuntary Bodies. It's been so long since I read fic that I thought I was getting a little disconnected from fanfiction, but diving into one of your stories feels like coming home again :)

WesleysGirlwesleysgirl on November 14th, 2004 03:52 pm (UTC)
*Hugs you*

I'm in about the same space, minus the drugs. The last time I tried some I had three unsatisfactory experiences in a row and then ran out of energy to keep trying. And some time in there my insurance changed and added a big drug deductible, so all in all I ended up just shaking my head and walking away. And I should probably try again, but... yeah.
do you want orcs? because this is how you get orcs: Never Brokenkita0610 on November 14th, 2004 03:53 pm (UTC)
Hey doll.

I'm sorry things feel so helpless right now.

Remember you're cherished. By more than an imaginary cat. :}

LadyCatladycat777 on November 14th, 2004 05:12 pm (UTC)
*snuggles and loves* Not sure what to say - the closer I get to December, the more I feel the same way. But I love you, and know you for a brilliant, fabulous person.
take to the sky: up up upjezebelz on November 14th, 2004 06:20 pm (UTC)
It's funny how most of the depressed people I know are also the most driven. If it were something we could just plow through, we'd have done it by now. I had a good two years of writer's block after my brother died - it's not something you can just push past. The good news is it does go, eventually.

I'm new to your journal, but I've been reading your fic and I think you're brilliant, so for my own selfish sake I hope you write more. Good luck to you.
Destina: winter treedestina on November 14th, 2004 06:46 pm (UTC)
Just stopping in to say h'lo. *mwah* I'm the weird one who prefers it when everything feels like winter. This makes me very unpopular when I'm cheery about the rain and the cold and everyone else is like OH GOD WHEN WILL IT BE SUMMER?! :D
obsessedmuch on November 14th, 2004 07:16 pm (UTC)
It's so frustrating when you're trying to find the right meds to help you with depression. Everything else in the world that makes you unewell that you can take a pill for seems to work first time out.And yet this... jesus, you finally work out that you need it and then you're stuck playing roulette for however long it takes to make a balance. Been there, done that, wanted to stangle the doctor with the t-shirt sometimes.

Hanging in there takes guts, strength, determination. You have all these in such vast amounts. And as you can see here, you have all the support in the world for when you need a boost, a hug, a reminder that you're not in it alone.

Herself_nycherself_nyc on November 14th, 2004 07:58 pm (UTC)
I'm sorry to hear your medications aren't working out--but glad that you're persisting.

:: hugs you ::
Sarapanisdead on November 14th, 2004 08:24 pm (UTC)
Thanks for checking in--I'll keep you in mind for good vibes.

(Reading over the comments on this entry was pretty odd--there were two unrelated mentions of "lost at sea," which is the title of my blog/LJ).
inappropriately bibliophilicraucousraven on November 14th, 2004 09:08 pm (UTC)
Hey. Hope the snow melts through you soon.
*wishes MASSIVE SUN in your general direction*
laurashapiro on November 14th, 2004 09:46 pm (UTC)
Gah. Sorry it's all gone rotten again.

I have confidence you and your doctor will find the right chemical cocktail for you. Meanwhile, please accept hugs and good vibes. We're rooting for you.
ineke on November 14th, 2004 10:43 pm (UTC)
I'll be thinking of you when I'm in Seattle :). And, hey, everyone knows that Australians attract sunshine like iron filings to a magnet (skin cancer, too, but let's not get picky). I'm blithely expecting sunny, happy, non-snowing days for the duration of my vaction *g*.
the pound sign is silent.lattara on November 15th, 2004 06:36 am (UTC)
I shall send you the kitten. I shall send you a dozen kittens. And then I hope they'll herd you into bed, curl up around you and purr until you go to sleep. After that, perhaps you'll feel better.
Pamgoosegirl9 on November 15th, 2004 08:53 am (UTC)
"I shall send you the kitten. I shall send you a dozen kittens. And then I hope they'll herd you into bed, curl up around you and purr until you go to sleep. After that, perhaps you'll feel better."

What Lattara said. It's perfect. I'm so sorry that your meds are now working, and I'm so glad you are not giving up on them. Periodically I take something for depression. I know how difficult it can be. You already know that your depression is not *you*, and that's a very important thing. I hope that makes sense.
{{{many, many, hugs}}}
Rosa Westphalen: 20sgirlrosawestphalen on November 15th, 2004 11:16 am (UTC)
My depression always comes with a cadre of voices telling me that I'm just not so many things that others are. Finding a way to shut them the hell up is more work for me than any other part of being depressed. For what it's worth, I send you warm thoughts and hope you're finding ways to get the damned puritans back on the boat.
Posting = good. People like to hear from you (and yes, maybe I should take my own advice.):-)
witlingwitling on November 15th, 2004 12:36 pm (UTC)
Okay, chica. Check, and check. Glad you let us know what's going on. And if it helps at all (or if you even need help on this front, which maybe you don't), I'm not doing any NaNo, or even any WriSo. Sad, but oh well.

Am, however, reading an interesting book on creativity, writers' block, mental illness, and neurology. Called The Midnight Disease. It's written by a neurologist who looks for neurochemical explanations, rather than personality explanations, for both the desire to write and the inability to do so. She's been through various treatments for depression, block, and hypergraphia herself, so she knows the terrain. It's very interesting so far--if nothing else, other people's symptoms are always interesting, because you can think, At least I'm not as bad as that poor sod...

I am tender of spirit, yes.

Be of good cheer. You've done amazing things in the last few months. A little plateau is probably exactly how it's all supposed to happen.

Sez I.
ruthless1ruthless1 on November 15th, 2004 12:39 pm (UTC)
I am glad that you posted this. I have watched one of my friends go through the medication nightmare and my pal seems to be on the better side of it all. Like you, she took up a really vigorous workout program and that seemed to help alot. Hang in there - I love your writing but I love you being well even more! I can wait for more spander and I can always always happily reread the fabulosity that you have already written.
Estepheiaestepheia on November 15th, 2004 03:39 pm (UTC)
Boy, I can so relate. Particularly this feeling of 'should' - one should be able to write or get out of depression - I know that so well. I wish I could help you with your writer's block. I hope you feel better soon.
I'd like to read new stories from you, but I'd rather know you happy and not writing, than unhappy and writing - even though you are my favourite writer ever.
I'll just reread your old works.
sur liessur_lies on November 15th, 2004 11:34 pm (UTC)
I'm sending you warm thoughts too. You are a total stranger I have come to care about - and worry about also.

You make me think of Virginia Wolfe when you are like this.

And if you haven't read Josephine Tey mysteries, you really should.