So Spike is a guy in an old black-and-white movie in a white tux with a black tie and he's a jewel thief, very Davd Niveny but not, Leslie Howard maybe? But butcher. Not *a* butcher, just butcher. And Xander is his pal in crime, or a love interest who is hosting a fabulous party with martinis and all, and Spike is trying to steal his jewels. His family jewels. Snerk.
And then one day, different story, Spike's brain is put into the body of an android and it's the future, and Buffy and everyone who've been frozen in statis for a few hundred years are thawed out and woken up and are like, wow, we thought the world ended, but no, we saved it. Angst of the frozen, confusion, and then there's Spike, who is hanging around like he always does, saving people, and still smoking, though he's an android.
This is what I get for having SciFi playing while I'm typing but okay, Willow is a scientist who is doing mad experiments on her classmates and Xander is a test subject and she gives him mutant superpowers. And he's all stretchy. Bendy. And can see through walls. And he wants to be Superman, and he says, "Give me more powers! More!" He wants to fly and stuff. Willow is reluctant to go any further so he jumps into the lab's special gamma ray machine and then turns into a giant spider the end.
Giant spiders. I can't steal other people's ideas. But I see giant spiders coming out of a wedding cake. Which is not a story, actually. Six minutes.
Fish fish, something with fish. Buffy on a fishing boat, because after Angel went to hell, she didn't go to L.A., she went and worked on an Alaskan fishing boat, having fish-related adventures. And Xander comes to find her and rescues her from her fishy fate. They embrace, all covered with guts and slime. Cue music.
Buffy is a barmaid in a small Alaskan town, with all these burly tough customers, but she can kick their asses, and she's very popular, doing all sorts of cocktail tricks. Or maybe not. She probably wouldn't have time for that fancy shit. She'd be cranky. Spike is the vampire who lives down the road in a rusty trailer on concrete blocks, with the terrible car in the yard and a funny dog. He wears plaid shirts. He only comes out at night. He walks around the woods with an ax. No one knows why.
Willow is a famous doctor and talk-show host.
Tara is a famous diva, very Tori Amos, who has mesmerized the world through song. Spike and Xander are her bodyguards.
Tori Amos in Smallville. Um, no.
One night the Bronze suddenly pops into another dimension, and it's a dimension of big trains and futuristic...stalled here.
Xander turns invisible, the invisible man, and has quicksilver madness and likes to bite the heads off small animals. Everyone is concerned. Spike is delighted.
A giant octopus or maybe a squid--no.
One minute left. Xander is in the Army for real. And he becomes a famous demon-killing hero. Or he joins up with Riley when Riley leaves Sunnydale. They have adventures in the jungle. Giant squids, buxom maidens needing rescuing, big guns, explosions, men with bleached hair--Spike! In the jungle. The end.
It's rather embarrassing to see what little floats to the top of my brain when under pressure. The creative powers of the wild mind don't necessarily yield genius. Sometimes they just yield nonsense.