Anna S. (eliade) wrote,
Anna S.
eliade

thirty-eight minutes of thoughts

I've been listening to "My Immortal" by Evanesence, the song that closed SV last night. Love love love it. And Miggy mentioned she was using it as a soundtrack song for an S/X story, which just...guh. I want stories that are the fictional equivalent of that song in tone, that get themselves worked up with longing and then suddenly twist into this sharp, anguished, exquisite pitch of love.

And, you know, whether you get slash or you don't, I take a particular pleasure in fiction that wrings these emotions from two characters who are, in canon, pitched in opposition or designed to resist feelings that strong or who are just never given a *chance*. Meaning, in canon we have Buffy and Angel: epic mutual angstfest, in Romeo/Juliet style, Buffy often driven to tears, Angel looking tortured, both of them heartwrenched. But Xander's character is never situationally pushed to such an extreme. Epic love is for the A-list characters, the ones who get shows named after them.

So, to make a little word picture of it, a la the ending montage of "Harsh Light of Day": say you have angsty Buffy, unlucky in love, a kind of romantic anorexic. She's got her arms wrapped around herself and her eyes are downcast, and she's out walking after midnight, alone, night winds whispering to her, and she's as lonesome as she can be, etc. And over there lurking behind a tree is Spike, mooncalf eyes and brooding cheekbones and tight mouth, his gaze following her, and you can tell that the dial of heartache is twisted right up to eleven, need making him desperate. And any heroic love between them is fatally flawed, tragically doomed, just like with Buffy and Angel, but even more fucked-up and dark and miserable. And then Xander joins Buffy and they amble along and Spike shadows them. Spike still only has eyes for Buffy, and Xander is also completely focused on her, trying to give her friendly support but she's all, sigh sigh angst of the slayer sigh. And with Spike I want to do that thing where you slap the guy's face hard and redirect his attention away from the cheerleader and over to the awkward, geeky girl in the glasses who's secretly cool and funny and would give him exactly what he needs, which is when the dope's vision clears and he's like: yes, I want this for me. I'd also slap Xander and shake him and say, dude! You put on a good front, but you would *so* fold like a bad hand of poker for the right blow job, and why can't you just admit that watching bad horror movies with Spike would be a far more amusing lifestyle than trying to prop up an unhappy slayer?

Right. Anyway. It's a good song...the one I was talking about thirty minutes ago.

I was originally going to post some thoughts about this Harry Dresden novel I'm reading, but now I'm all typed out for the moment. And have distracted myself from The Looming Everything of my life.

That therapy practice I called and left voicemail for didn't return my call. Yet. I'm so not impressed.

Lyrics for "My Immortal":


My immortal
I'm so tired of being here
Suppressed by all of my childish fears
And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
Because your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone

These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
And I've held your hand through all of these years
But you still have all of me

You used to captivate me
By your resonating light
But now I'm bound by the life you left behind
Your face it haunts my once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away all the sanity in me

These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
And I've held your hand through all of these years
But you still have all of me

I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
And though you're still with me
I've been alone all along


See? Me. Schmoopy.
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