Anna S. (eliade) wrote,
Anna S.
eliade

memes are like twisty ties

My own favorite stories that I've never actually written:

1) Avocados. (Sentinel, 50k, NC-17) Jim and Blair buy avocados. Lewd avocado-based foreplay, "testing for ripeness," testicular humor, rambling anecdotes about childhood avocado trauma, manly banter, and the sudden, deadly, mid-story return of Lee Brackett, who smushes out Blair's wee life with a handful of guacamole dip. Of course, Jim strangles Lee to death with his own gun-strap afterwards, then messily resuscitates his little guppy. Favorite quote: "Breathe, damn you, breathe!"

2) My Life as a Dog. (X-Files, 80k, NC-17) Mulder's consciousness is transported into the body of an attractive dachshund who trots after Skinner for half the story before Scully takes off her blinders of non-believerhood and jerry-rigs a device to capture the telepathic messages from her partner. I was very proud of this story, the only original case-based story I ever wrote in that fandom. Looking back, I would have cut the scene with the egg-beater and the cucumber, but I was young. Favorite quote: "Woof! Woof woof woof!"

3) Leaves of Grass. (X-Files, 150K, NC-17) A poetry-laden stream-of-consciousness tale set entirely in Mulder's apartment during a ten-minute period while he studies his lampshade and wonders if the lamp is bugged and whether the unusual brilliance of the bulb indicates that someone broke in and switched it with a higher wattage. Artful mediations on alienation and aliens, the loneliness of a one-man crusade, the writings of Nietzsche, Scully's lacy unmentionables, that rat-bastard Krycek with the strangely mesmerizing eyes, his sister's abduction, Siegfried and Roy, the symbolism of submarines, his Oedipal complex, nipples, several therapy sessions, the origin of selkies, the migration patterns of swallows, crop circles, Skinner's head, the status of his last dry-cleaning drop-off, and whether he should order number 42 or 7 from the Thai restaurant. Favorite quote: "He stared at the lamp and thought of alienation and aliens, the loneliness of a one-man crusade, the writings of Nietzsche, Scully's lacy unmentionables..." Etc.

4) The Sorrow and the Pity. (BtVS, 300k, NC-17) A semi-epic tale of sex and woe in which Spike is suddenly one day dragged from his crypt and tossed through a portal to end up in a mysterious and isolated town by the sea known only as "The Village." There he is brutally tortured, raped, poked with sporks, and fed to goats. Luckily the goats spit him out and he arrives minutes later--such is the wonder of portals--back in Sunnydale at Xander's feet, where he is immediately cuddled and sniffed back to health. I took great care with the healing anal sex scenes, and I think it shows. Favorite quote: "Khannnnnnnnn!"

5) Big Man on Campus. (BtVS, WIP, NC-17) Must include this one, as it represents the culmination of my twisted genius in which the entire seven seasons of BtVS are reconceived around the idea of Xander as the slayer, mentored by his able watcher, Spike. I reached my thousandth sex scene last week. Yay! Favorite quote: "Oh god, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes!" Yes.
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