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27 April 2004 @ 07:08 pm
memes are like twisty ties  
My own favorite stories that I've never actually written:

1) Avocados. (Sentinel, 50k, NC-17) Jim and Blair buy avocados. Lewd avocado-based foreplay, "testing for ripeness," testicular humor, rambling anecdotes about childhood avocado trauma, manly banter, and the sudden, deadly, mid-story return of Lee Brackett, who smushes out Blair's wee life with a handful of guacamole dip. Of course, Jim strangles Lee to death with his own gun-strap afterwards, then messily resuscitates his little guppy. Favorite quote: "Breathe, damn you, breathe!"

2) My Life as a Dog. (X-Files, 80k, NC-17) Mulder's consciousness is transported into the body of an attractive dachshund who trots after Skinner for half the story before Scully takes off her blinders of non-believerhood and jerry-rigs a device to capture the telepathic messages from her partner. I was very proud of this story, the only original case-based story I ever wrote in that fandom. Looking back, I would have cut the scene with the egg-beater and the cucumber, but I was young. Favorite quote: "Woof! Woof woof woof!"

3) Leaves of Grass. (X-Files, 150K, NC-17) A poetry-laden stream-of-consciousness tale set entirely in Mulder's apartment during a ten-minute period while he studies his lampshade and wonders if the lamp is bugged and whether the unusual brilliance of the bulb indicates that someone broke in and switched it with a higher wattage. Artful mediations on alienation and aliens, the loneliness of a one-man crusade, the writings of Nietzsche, Scully's lacy unmentionables, that rat-bastard Krycek with the strangely mesmerizing eyes, his sister's abduction, Siegfried and Roy, the symbolism of submarines, his Oedipal complex, nipples, several therapy sessions, the origin of selkies, the migration patterns of swallows, crop circles, Skinner's head, the status of his last dry-cleaning drop-off, and whether he should order number 42 or 7 from the Thai restaurant. Favorite quote: "He stared at the lamp and thought of alienation and aliens, the loneliness of a one-man crusade, the writings of Nietzsche, Scully's lacy unmentionables..." Etc.

4) The Sorrow and the Pity. (BtVS, 300k, NC-17) A semi-epic tale of sex and woe in which Spike is suddenly one day dragged from his crypt and tossed through a portal to end up in a mysterious and isolated town by the sea known only as "The Village." There he is brutally tortured, raped, poked with sporks, and fed to goats. Luckily the goats spit him out and he arrives minutes later--such is the wonder of portals--back in Sunnydale at Xander's feet, where he is immediately cuddled and sniffed back to health. I took great care with the healing anal sex scenes, and I think it shows. Favorite quote: "Khannnnnnnnn!"

5) Big Man on Campus. (BtVS, WIP, NC-17) Must include this one, as it represents the culmination of my twisted genius in which the entire seven seasons of BtVS are reconceived around the idea of Xander as the slayer, mentored by his able watcher, Spike. I reached my thousandth sex scene last week. Yay! Favorite quote: "Oh god, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes!" Yes.
 
 
 
Tuesday Has No Phones: big stick OTPthebratqueen on April 27th, 2004 07:12 pm (UTC)
You? Are adorable.
Anna S.eliade on April 27th, 2004 07:16 pm (UTC)
Hee. I have *nearly* cheered and bootstrapped myself up out of the day from hell!

::hugs::
Tuesday Has No Phonesthebratqueen on April 27th, 2004 07:19 pm (UTC)
That's good! At least one of us should. Did you have chocolate on top of it? I've often found chocolate cures most ills. Except, you know, nausea. ;)
Anna S.eliade on April 27th, 2004 07:23 pm (UTC)
Not yet, but there *is* a bowl of Kisses sitting about six inches from my hand. My hand...is...moving...
Tuesday Has No Phones: going downthebratqueen on April 27th, 2004 07:25 pm (UTC)
Yeah, yeah. And now you're unwrapping them, and moving that silver down oh so slowly as your mouth waters and readies itself for even a tiny taste of that sweet, perfect....

Uh, I may be a little punchy after the night of no sleep. Ahem. Don't mind me.

[innocent whistle]
auroramamaauroramama on April 27th, 2004 09:08 pm (UTC)
Whoa.
On second thought, no whoa. Please continue.
Silly gorgeous writers always make me punchy.
ineke on April 27th, 2004 07:13 pm (UTC)
And after being fed to goats, I'm sure Spike would smell delicious *g*.
anathema: cute but psychoanathema666 on April 27th, 2004 07:17 pm (UTC)
3) Leaves of Grass. (X-Files, 150K, NC-17) A poetry-laden stream-of-consciousness tale set entirely in Mulder's apartment during a ten-minute period while he studies his lampshade and wonders if the lamp is bugged and whether the unusual brilliance of the bulb indicates that someone broke in and switched it with a higher wattage.

Oh, man, that cracked me up.

Also, *trembles with impotent rage* Khannnnnnnnnnn!!!

*runs away giggling*
Anna S.eliade on April 27th, 2004 07:22 pm (UTC)
Love your icon--love those evil snarky bunnies.

There's a story behind the bulb. During college that happened to me; it was the first time I'd lived on my own. I came home one day and turned on the lamp by my bedside table and mildly freaked, as it was twice as brilliant as it had been when I'd left. Since paranoia is always my first reaction, I speculated for a while about the possibilities, like whether my landlord had come in while I was out and switched the bulbs on me, presumably for a good reason, and I pondered this right up to the point where the bulb went *bling!* and winked out, which is when I realized it was just some ordinary phenomenon of expiring bulbs.

Paranoia would be Mulder's first reaction, I bet....
anathema: sg-1 come get someanathema666 on April 27th, 2004 11:22 pm (UTC)
That reaction was TOTALLY in character, and actually made me snort out loud.

Thanks for sharing your favourite never written fics. :D
Sarapanisdead on April 27th, 2004 07:18 pm (UTC)
I took great care with the healing anal sex scenes, and I think it shows.

Oh. My God. "Anal sex! It cures goat trauma!"
KJVkjv31 on April 27th, 2004 07:18 pm (UTC)
Herself_nycherself_nyc on April 27th, 2004 07:20 pm (UTC)
You are the funniest person out. It's not Margaret Cho, it's you.
Barb: tryrahirah on April 27th, 2004 07:25 pm (UTC)
(seethes with jealousy of your genius)
Anna S.eliade on April 27th, 2004 07:30 pm (UTC)
Seethe, yes ("Seethe before me!")--but write your own, please, yes? I need the funny tonight.

;>)

*smushy hugs*
squeeze me, stomp me,  make me winemoosesal on April 27th, 2004 07:35 pm (UTC)
LOL! These were all hilarious, but I'm especially fond of rambling anecdotes about childhood avocado trauma. Also -- the last fic? I think I've been reading that one. The quote and 1000 sex scenes is familiar anyway. *g*
(Deleted comment)
Anna S.eliade on April 27th, 2004 07:53 pm (UTC)
How could I have forgotten SG? I was on the whole pleased with what I wrote in SG, particularly "Stroke of Genius" where Daniel is forced to play Jack's sex-slave on Anathalar 7 for three whole months while the stargate is buried. I did make the mistake of using snake oil as lube, but few readers mentioned it, so I've never deleted the mention. Not many writers really explore spangled harem pants as a fashion option, and I'm not sure why--I think that was key to the story. Jeez, you make me want to go read it again.
(Deleted comment)
Anna S.eliade on April 27th, 2004 08:16 pm (UTC)
The visuals of Daniel in the spangled harem pants and the little fringed jacket and matching tassled cap were gorgeous!

I wondered if the comparison I drew between him and an organ-grinder's fez-wearing monkey ("Spacemonkey!" you know) might not be over the top, but I got so many compliments on that--very heartening.
kassrachel on April 27th, 2004 08:40 pm (UTC)
Childhood avocado trauma!

I think I love you.
Laura Kaye: BillyLaughlaurakaye on April 27th, 2004 09:24 pm (UTC)
*dies laughing*

You are a twisted genius. *hearts*
The Alpha Beta: Smile!diluvian on April 27th, 2004 10:20 pm (UTC)
You crack me up.
raqs: danielraqs on April 27th, 2004 10:46 pm (UTC)
(sigh) you are so, like, my hero plus a whole bunch of little hero's flunkies thrown in for good measure.
ex_dovil323 on April 28th, 2004 02:04 am (UTC)
Wow. I think I just fell in love with your brain.