March 17th, 2011


Thank you guys

I'm going through comments now and it's lovely to read them. As I just wrote elsewhere, writing and getting responses helps me feel connected and safer. Like I haven't totally fallen off the grid. I've been isolating myself (or "self-isolating" to use psych-speak) for a long time. I've been so alone, largely of my own making, and the loneliness has been pretty crushing. I need to stop self-crushing, I guess...or something like that. It got to where I felt as if a large, critical portion of my brain had been excised, leaving this empty space, void of will and life. I need to work on ways to better describe that feeling. (It's good to be working at words again.)

It's definitely enough for me to write and be read, and to get responses. On the other hand, I'm not a completely crazy person, and I'm not to proud to turn down offers of help. I know very well both how karmically good it feels to give help, and how excruciating it can feel to ask for it. I've had trouble asking before. Now I'm not so much asking as just accepting. I'm willing to accept what help has been offered, hugs, good thoughts, and all the rest. I have a PayPal account already associated with my address, and I'm pretty sure that's sufficient to receive transactions...(?)

You can be sure I'll fund my own rescue first and foremost. I'm not cut out for the streets. But I also haven't been able to entirely shut down my impulse to do stuff for others. I've already been a bit more spendy that I should helping other people out, and I beed to keep that in check so that I'm not undermining my own escape efforts. But I also desperately want to do something for the CRP wing where I'm staying. It has a pitifully small common area with close to zero amenities, and a little would go such a long way. There's no hand soap, for instance; no AA Big Book, no Bible, nothing on the walls, no games whatsoever, not even a pack of cards. I could spend just twenty bucks and improve the atmosphere strikingly. And I want to. And I'd like to know that if my bunkmate is half-starving, I can supplement her diet once in a while with a fruit cup or a Subway sandwich.

Anyway. I'm still going through comments and feeling very *huggy*. I have a doctor's appointment in a little while, then I'll be hopping back online for some additional time, before returning to the shelter around 4:30, which is when they open their doors again after the grand extermination event.

::waving from Seattle::