Anna S. (eliade) wrote,
Anna S.

well, of course there is...

I've been thinking constantly in meme terms the last few days--the latest meme has been like a song stuck in my head. I made lists of unpopular opinions, then realized they're not unpopular so much as blunt and cranky and self-serving, and also likely to hurt a few people. On other people's lists, I've agreed with some points, some not; a few made me upset. I've been disconnected and depressed for a bunch of truly dumb reasons during the last few days. And I realized that I really do use this journal like therapy sometimes, because when I hold myself back from expressing things it can be excruciating, a tightness in my chest and throat. I dump moody things here because I have a hard time dumping things on friends in a one-on-one way, because one-on-one feels like a more direct demand of people's emotional bandwidth, feels needier. Me, intimacy issues, yadda yadda. Though sometimes maybe it is better to censor yourself for a while, until the mood passes.

So I didn't like my meme results, but for some reason I started thinking of things I wanted to believe, instead of outrageous opinions. Those results seemed weirder. So I made my own meme in the key of Mulder. Somewhere between faith and fantasy, self-deception and dream, lies the Anna zone....

1. Somewhere along with all the other characters, Spike exists--the real Spike who is not Marsters--and he can sing really, really well, enough to be a famous rock star. He can play the guitar too. His chin is perfect, so is his nose, and he looks not a day older than twenty-five.

2. Spike loves Xander.

3. Someday when I rewatch all of season seven Buffy on DVD in one fell swoop, I will see its logic, elegance, dramatic coherence, and the perfect end to a great series.

4. Spike deserves love even though he's a monster.

5. The fans I like are good people. The fans I like who disagree with my opinons are good people. Fans I dislike are bad people and should be trampled to death by llamas. If they also disagree with me, the llamas should be heavier and more playful.

6. Brian and Justin will live happily ever after. The QaF series will never go to hell.

7. Anyone who dislikes me is secretly just aching to love me and be loved in return, and when I feel bad they feel just as bad, because they are good people who don't deserve to be trampled to death by llamas.

8. Joss Whedon reads my stories and forwards the URLs to select members of his writing team with admiring and witty comments. He'd like to hire me, but keeps talking himself out of it. Discussions of my stories take place in the writers' room. Several ME writers are subscribed to my noir list and waiting impatiently to be notified of the next installment. I inspire them and they constantly put shout-outs to me in their scripts, which get lost in the development process. Someday all this will be known.

9. I'll one day find another show I'm as passionate about as Buffy, it will be brilliant, it will be on network TV, there will be canonically gay men in it, they will be hotties, and the world will change for the better.

10. Clark and Lex will reinvent their destinies.

Still haven't watched the latest Angel ep yet. Maybe tonight. And maybe pizza. And maybe someone will deliver a basket of puppies to my door. Puppies! I need puppies. Or kittens. All good.
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