February 19th, 2005


writing: the flip side.

It's one of those days where I hate my writing. Hate it! And I don't need feedback or reassurance--what I'm feeling is the frustrating kind of dissatisfaction that has nothing to do with feedback. It's when you read other people's writing and are just blown away, and envious, because everything they do brilliantly is exactly what seems to be missing in your own writing--for example, the gift of rushing spontaneity that rips up layer after layer of raw, real emotion in a reader--and you don't know how to get it. And then you see two or three of your stories mentioned by people, and each time you click and start rereading your old stuff, looking for that jolt of satisfaction, where your eyes will slide down the page and you say to yourself, "Ah, yes, they still like this one, and justifiably so..." And instead you reread and are like, "Arghhhhhh! WTF was I thinking, punctuating like that?! Ohmygod it's all so redundant! And stilted! And pitiful! And that, that doesn't sound like Spike *at all*. My god, I suck rotten eggs. I need to revise *everything*. I need to revise *every story I've ever written* and I need to do it *right* *now* before anyone else reads another word!"

So I'm going to go watch Angel. Joss will comfort me. Yes yes yes.
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Angel: Supersymmetry

I don't know what to think of this episode. Things that are less bothersome to me this time around include the whole side trip to Connor/Cordelia, and I think that's in part because of the way canon and fandom can riff off each other--having recently been dipping into The Swimming Hole and MarySueverse stuff (ros_fod, and kita0610, and witling *are* dangerous crackwhores, it turns out), the canon sideline of C/C now has this poignant and endearing whitetrash vibe for me.

The A-plot, with Fred's professor, still resolves itself in an emotionally confusing way and fucks with my head. Fred goes wild when she learns that her professor sent her to Pylea and sent many other students through portals, and she intends to kill him, taking the view that he's a serial killer. (Nice. And of course true.) I like that Fred is righteously vengeful. Go, Fred. That she goes to Wes and uses him for her own ends pisses me off. On the other hand, he's willing to be used. Also, it's not clear what kind of overtures she made to him over the summer, which he apparently rejected. I'm dubious that she made a persuasive appeal, though, so all in all, I have to say: yes, Fred, you are a bitch. You and Gunn kicked Wes when he was down and took Angel's side and WTF was *up* with that?

But anyway. Angel and Gunn make try to make a case to Fred that vengeance will steal your soul, eat away at you. Do they entirely believe this? Or do they want to believe this will happen to Fred, because it validates their view of her as this gentle, essentially good-natured girl, which in turn validates their manliness?

I believe that *Gunn* believes his gesture--killing the professor after telling Fred not to--is entirely for Fred's sake. To me, she's demonstrating very clearly that she's not some pure little girl who needs to be kept on a pedestal--she's human, and can make her own choices, no matter how extreme. But it's not reasonable to expect Gunn to let her, because she *is* so emotional, and it's human instinct to keep people we care about from behaving rashly in case they do an about-face and regret it horribly later. Still, Gunn steals Fred's thunder by killing the prof, and he's going to make himself ostentatiously miserable and put her in the position of having to feel guilty rather than responsible.

This parallels "Dead Things" for me, and I can also see Spike doing the exact same thing for Buffy that Gunn does for Fred. I think he'd make it a more romantic gesture ("Look at me, saving you, my love!" would be the subtext, no matter how matter of factly he went about it), but he's a vampire, so that's par for the course. But it wouldn't be just romantic, but also kind of logical. Without a soul, he could be her sin-eater; he'd have no remorse, so it makes sense that he'd try to protect her, out of love and a desire to save her from the agonizing guilt of murder.

And so I've brought another episode irrelevantly back to Spike. Yay!

Angel: Spin the Bottle

I'm only a few minutes in and I have to keep pausing and getting up from the couch, because I keep giggling. And Lorne! There is Lorne. He really is a big, handsome, strapping green demon, isn't he?

giggle, squee!

Lorne: Okay, first of all she didn't say, "May your words please the gods," so much as she said, "May you *orally* please the gods." Which is a slight...inflection is very crucial in our...God bless her, it's always nice to hear the mother tongue. As long as it's not from my mother.

Gunn: What happened to you, man?
Wesley: I had my throat cut, and all my friends abandoned me.