December 9th, 2004

elijah

I don't want to go to work.

I had a really bad day yesterday. Really. And then I came home and watched Van Helsing.

You know how you do something that you really dislike yourself for, stemming from a character flaw, and you feel a kind of despair, because it's something you've done before and you can't seem to learn anything from past mistakes? It makes you feel like there is no horizon.

I need to find a little cupboard of happiness where I can hide and pretend that my monsters don't exist. I wonder if I can make my fingers do some writing today, to distract myself.
  • Current Mood
    gloomy gloomy
elijah

work. ork. wor. kow. krow. ow.

I'm here. When I stopped for coffee I saw these three homeless guys in Pioneer Square. They were being rousted from their sleeping bags so that the maintenance crew could hose down the bricks. It was cold out. So I brought them some pastries and coffee. Because it was cold and because I thought maybe I'd feel a bit better about myself. I think it worked a little. And then when I thought about trying to make it through the day after doing really stupid things, I asked myself, "What would A_____ do?" And I know that she'd shoulder through bravely if she was feeling crappy, so I figured I'd emulate her and give that a try.

I hate that I'm competent up to a point and then I lose my shit. And become something of a cow. (Brit speak adds some distance to my failings, I think.)

Must write porn. May end up playing a lot of Text Twist instead.