May 8th, 2004


brainstorm, brainsleet, brainsnow

I am setting myself a timer of five minutes to spit out, as quickly as possible, whatever unwritten BtVS plots occur to me as I roll the dice of my thoughts. Ready, set...go.

Buffy is the secret queen of the universe and she and Tara are actually sisters--maybe instead of Dawn appearing in season five, Tara is suddenly her sister and is living in the Summers house, and seems to have a sinister evil plan, but we don't know what it is yet. Run, Willow, run!

Spike is in a band with several of his vampire brothers and sisters. Um, no.

Spike and Xander are astronauts! Spike and Xander are exploring the outer ridge of Mars, trying to find a new strike of some mineral that will make them rich beyond their wildest dreams. Mars, prostitutes, old western themes, big leather boots.

The sewers of Paris. Sewers with all sorts of hidden tunnels, a hidden city beneath Paris--or Sunnydale, Sunnydale. And there are layers and layers of cities down there and one day Buffy stumbles and finds the way in and liberates the lost children of...whatever.

Spike grows a giant pair of wings. And keeps flying around and getting caught in trees. He won't come down. They tempt him with cheese. Bloody cheese.

Willow is dating a werewolf then gets bitten by a cougar. She turns into a werecat. Hijinks ensue.

Tara and Willow and Xander have an icky, icky threesome and run in terror the next morning and never speak to each other again. Xander becomes a monk.

Damn. My five minutes are up. Five minutes go way too quickly. Maybe after breakfast I will try ten minutes.

timed brainstorm #2

Spike is a rentboy or a cabinboy and Xander is a pimp or maybe just a bad man in a top hat with an exaggerated mustache and there are striped trousers, I'm not sure why, and peacocks.

So, Buffy is a fan-dancer. I don't entirely know what a fan-dancer is but she's dancing with fans and there are peacocks. And veils and some kind of tinkly music and everyone is lying around on cushions, very impressed. Buffy looks rather like Jeannie in "I Love Jeannie."

Spike is trapped in a genie bottle? And they get to take him out and play with him whenever they want. Hmm.

Men on ships. Big ships. Big men. Big waves and sea monsters. Viking men! With the braids and the funny horned hats. Sex under the deck...down below. With the bilge and the rats. No no no. But Anya comes and she's the goddess of the sea, she's got some kind of ship-driving power to guide them to the edge of the world where they will find Mindrock the land of eternal happiness and, and, and for some reason I'm thinking of shellfish but I don't know why.

Spike is a merman? No.

Giant trees with a secret world of houses, like that elf kingdom in LotR or like a tree-housey sort of land, very um, Robin Hood. And merry men. Elves too possibly. Oh god I only have another minute.

Elves. In tights. Xander in tights. Xander hating the tights. Xander hating me. Xander as a dancer in a famous troupe touring the world and, yes, okay, Xander is a princess. A diva. Or a prince, yeah. With lots of tights. And a dog.

Time's up.

Are these actually loosening up my head and my game hand? See, because I need to write a story and I'm a bit stuck. Somehow I'm not feeling like I'd be writing any of these, though.

I must definitely give myself ten minutes next time.

timed brainstorm #3

Ten minutes. Ready set go.

So Spike is a guy in an old black-and-white movie in a white tux with a black tie and he's a jewel thief, very Davd Niveny but not, Leslie Howard maybe? But butcher. Not *a* butcher, just butcher. And Xander is his pal in crime, or a love interest who is hosting a fabulous party with martinis and all, and Spike is trying to steal his jewels. His family jewels. Snerk.

And then one day, different story, Spike's brain is put into the body of an android and it's the future, and Buffy and everyone who've been frozen in statis for a few hundred years are thawed out and woken up and are like, wow, we thought the world ended, but no, we saved it. Angst of the frozen, confusion, and then there's Spike, who is hanging around like he always does, saving people, and still smoking, though he's an android.

This is what I get for having SciFi playing while I'm typing but okay, Willow is a scientist who is doing mad experiments on her classmates and Xander is a test subject and she gives him mutant superpowers. And he's all stretchy. Bendy. And can see through walls. And he wants to be Superman, and he says, "Give me more powers! More!" He wants to fly and stuff. Willow is reluctant to go any further so he jumps into the lab's special gamma ray machine and then turns into a giant spider the end.

Giant spiders. I can't steal other people's ideas. But I see giant spiders coming out of a wedding cake. Which is not a story, actually. Six minutes.

Fish fish, something with fish. Buffy on a fishing boat, because after Angel went to hell, she didn't go to L.A., she went and worked on an Alaskan fishing boat, having fish-related adventures. And Xander comes to find her and rescues her from her fishy fate. They embrace, all covered with guts and slime. Cue music.

Buffy is a barmaid in a small Alaskan town, with all these burly tough customers, but she can kick their asses, and she's very popular, doing all sorts of cocktail tricks. Or maybe not. She probably wouldn't have time for that fancy shit. She'd be cranky. Spike is the vampire who lives down the road in a rusty trailer on concrete blocks, with the terrible car in the yard and a funny dog. He wears plaid shirts. He only comes out at night. He walks around the woods with an ax. No one knows why.

Willow is a famous doctor and talk-show host.

Tara is a famous diva, very Tori Amos, who has mesmerized the world through song. Spike and Xander are her bodyguards.

Tori Amos in Smallville. Um, no.

One night the Bronze suddenly pops into another dimension, and it's a dimension of big trains and futuristic...stalled here.

Xander turns invisible, the invisible man, and has quicksilver madness and likes to bite the heads off small animals. Everyone is concerned. Spike is delighted.

A giant octopus or maybe a squid--no.

One minute left. Xander is in the Army for real. And he becomes a famous demon-killing hero. Or he joins up with Riley when Riley leaves Sunnydale. They have adventures in the jungle. Giant squids, buxom maidens needing rescuing, big guns, explosions, men with bleached hair--Spike! In the jungle. The end.

It's rather embarrassing to see what little floats to the top of my brain when under pressure. The creative powers of the wild mind don't necessarily yield genius. Sometimes they just yield nonsense.

that's so not right.

The Mystery channel keeps promoting an inexplicable line-up of movies like Austin Powers and Undercover Brother by calling them "madcap mysteries." Right. In that vein, Scream isn't a horror movie, it's a "comedy of death" and Lord of the Rings is a "western" because they're on horseback and American Pie is a "documentary of raw humor" and Bull Durham is a "musical of the heart" and Lost in Translation is "film-noir without the crime" or maybe a "war movie about the clash of cultures."

And Mulder/Scully is slash.

I know you guys can come up with more of these, far better than mine. Yes? Please? No?

ETA: The Mystery channel is now showing John Carpenter's Vampires with Jon Bon Jovi. Which is apparently not horror, but a supernatural mystery. Pinheads.