August 31st, 2003

elijah

Series 7

I'd heard this movie was good, so even though I was incredibly hungry and being drawn by IHOP's siren call of pancakes, seeing it coming up next on cable kept me on the couch for a few minutes, at least to catch how it started. And then I was riveted to the couch for two hours, absently shoving cheese in my mouth to stave off the belly weasels and unable to tear my eyes from the screen even long enough to pee.

I'm glad I don't have to try to put my thoughts about the movie into words, because jhclues, a reviewer on IMDb, does it really well. Someone needs to explain to me, though, how a piece of sad crap like "Phone Booth" or the execrable nightmare that is "Buying the Cow" (don't ask) can suck up millions of dollars of industry money and get marketed up the public ass, while this subversive little masterpiece is relegated to indie obscurity.

Anyone who's watched even an hour of reality TV during the past few years should see this.

Spoilers are okay in comments.
elijah

like a lightning bolt

I woke up this morning and it hit me for the first time that slash really is massively stupid and a complete disrespect to straight characters, their creators, television executives, advertisers, and, of course, the children. From now on if I want my recommended daily allowance of gayness, I'll stick to reading and writing about those characters who are firmly, canonically gay--or "bi", whatever that means.

Anyway, from this point on the following fandoms are considered out of bounds for slash:

7th Heaven, Alias, Alien Nation, American Gothic, Andromeda, Angel, Babylon 5, Backstreet Boys, Batman, Battlestar Galactica, Beauty and the Beast, Big Wolf on Campus, Birds of Prey, Blake's 7, Charmed, CSI, The Dark is Rising, Doctor Who, Due South, Earth: Final Conflict, Dune, Elfquest, Emergency, The Equalizer, Fastlane, First Wave, Forever Knight, Good V Evil, Gundam Wing, Hard Core Logo, Harry Potter, Hercules, Highlander, The Invisible Man, JAG, John Doe, Kung Fu: The Legend Continues, La Femme Nikita, Lois & Clark, Lord of the Rings et al, The Lost Boys, The Magnificent Seven, Miami Vice, The Man From U.N.C.L.E., Millenium, Mutant X, Nash Bridges, N'Sync, Once a Thief, Pirates of the Caribbean, Poltergeist: the Legacy, The Pretender, The Professionals, The Profiler, Quantum Leap, Remington Steele, Roswell, Seaquest, The Secret Adventures of Jules Verne, The Sentinel, Simon and Simon, Sliders, Smallville, Space Above and Beyond, Sports Night, Star Trek: TOS, Star Trek the Next Generation, Star Trek: Voyager, Star Trek: Deep Space 9, Star Trek: Enterprise, Stargate SG-1, all Star Wars movies including Phantom Menace, Starsky and Hutch, Swamp Thing, Superman, Third Watch, Twin Peaks, The West Wing, Wiseguy, Witchblade, Xena, The X-Files, The Young Riders.

And, of course, so many, many more--did you know, for instance, there are 2928 stories on FanFiction.net about the movie "Newsies"? Let's hope none of those is slash. You can find more off-limits material here, here, here, etc.

If I were doing this correctly, I'd make a list of all the straight characters, naming each individually, but in many cases I found it's surprisingly easy just to list the show itself--because none of the characters is gay!

Permitted to "slash" as long as you're not using other, canonically straight characters:

Jack (Dawson's Creek), Inara (Firefly), Dorian (Eroica), Chiana (Farscape), Northstar (X-Men), Bayliss (Homicide), those guys on Oz and Queer as Folk, Willow and Tara and Kennedy (BtVS), Cindy (Dark Angel), that nice couple on Northern Exposure, those Velvet Goldmine pansies, and probably that chick on Lexx.

As you can see, it's a rich area for writing, and we haven't even listed all of those obscure queer characters, who can be so much fun to flesh out. "Canon" and "gay" don't have to be mutually exclusive!

If I've got any slash in my peanut butter, or if there any characters or fandoms you'd like to see added, please tell me and I'll edit this list. Or then again, maybe not.
  • Current Mood
    boring to others
elijah

dreamy

I so want Lorelai Gilmore for my mom. Except when she talks to boyfriends, then she's a bit scary.

This weekend I watched "Below," which was made by David Twohy, the guy behind "Pitch Black." It was stylish and beautifully filmed but not as good as "Pitch Black," mostly because the characters were more one-size-fits-all. "Pitch Black" was full of surprises; "Below" is just standard B-movie fare. Good, really quite good, but it's a submarine flick for crying out loud. That's an uphill climb genre-wise. ("Genre" is my favorite word ever, by the way. I just like saying it. Genre genre genre. Genre Wilder. Genre Hackman.)

And I watched "Shanghai Knights" on someone's recommendation, someone I love very dearly, who will therefore be spared the guillotine. The cliches were done badly, the jokes fell like anvils, the plot was crap, the anachronisms were lazy and unfunny, Aidan Gillen wasn't up to snuff, and the whole thing was a forced fun-fest hanging by a single thread: the gay braid of Owen & Jackie charisma. They are pretty adorable guys, and they were clearly having fun. The problem was, I wasn't. Also, I kind of hate saying this, but the stylized choreography of Jackie Chan's fights bored me to tears.

Then I watched "Coupling," episodes 1-6, out on DVD. You can tell they're still finding their legs here--the eps have a certain kind of new-series awkwardness and staginess. If these people hadn't been British, if they'd just been American "Friends" knock-offs, I don't think I'd have kept watching. A British accent goes a long way toward charming. But it grew on me, and I felt the value in having watched the first three episodes and gotten to know the characters, when I saw episode number four, "Inferno," which nearly killed me. That entire dinner party--and when that crazy bitch Jane baaaas like a sheep, oh my god. That was greatness, and so was the clever stuff in the following episode where Jeff meets the Irsaeli girl and they do the bilingual replay--but I was also weeping laughter during his babble about collecting women's ears in a bucket.

Jack Davenport doesn't feel like personal pin-up boy material, but I liked watching his performance.

The last ep of the tape was the most annoying; I really loathed the accepted premise that it was okay for whats-his-face to have a huge cupboard of videos he'd taken of women, and that everyone would sit around and watch one. The ep seemed ambiguous on the point of how fully and consistently the videotaping was disclosed to the women involved, and I fall on the un-PC side of the line for many things, but I'd rather not be distracted by the sheer, shared sleaziness of characters I'm trying to get to like.

In other news, I napped for hours, I spent $35 on brunch, I'm going to kill my neighbors if they slam their doors one more time, and I'm resisting the desperate, cheesy allure lure of the monkey-cursed "Charmed."

Also, fandom is dumb.
elijah

help

I was getting weird pop-ups in LJ which I think were some artefact of surfing the web, and at some point earlier today my PC tried to tell me it wanted to update my system and restart the computer. I said no. So then I just now restarted to see if the pop-ups would go away, and during the boot it said that it was updating my Windows configuration files. That makes me very nervous. I feel like some outside force has messed with my computer and may be doing god knows what now. Is there some way I can research this?

Also, I continue to get these weird doubled windows or pop-ups--a brief flash when I load the LJ update or comment pages. And when I click to open a new browser window, it seems much slower than usual.
elijah

oh my god...

Someone please just...put me out of my misery. I downloaded IE 6.0 and it installed a new version of Outlook Express and all my mail is now gone. Thousands and thousands of messages that I'd saved for the past five years. Is it POSSIBLE to hate Microsoft any more than I do?

And I installed and ran Ad Aware and Spybot and I'm still getting Windows configuration updates and strange pop-up flashes when I boot.

And did I mention that EVERY FUCKING PIECE OF MAIL I'VE EVER HAD IS GONE?

I'm shaking.

ETA: Okay, I found my mail. My folders have been moved and buried somewhere and now I have to figure out how to get them back where they belong. However, Microsoft? Still sucks. And these pop-ups are about to make me lose it.

ETA 2: You guys rock. Thank you all so much!

And now I think I need to lie down for a minute or a million...I seem to have the vapors.