July 30th, 2003


variation on a theme

Last gasp wasn't a last gasp. I need to go to bed.

As a preface, I know I've said stuff like this before, but sometimes I just want to muse more or less to myself. In public, apparently. Not sure what that's about.

The current tiffles--I think I stole someone's word--about RPF and now porn have made me realize again that sometimes my problem isn't with what someone thinks, but with how they think it and talk about it. Like, I have friends who aren't really comfortable with RPF, and it's no big. I have some ambivalencies myself. It's a grey scale, a spectrum of comfort, not black and white. And I had some moments of resonance and recognition in Culloden's essay about porn--like, the idea of some frat boy wanking to silicone-titted, pussy-shaved bimbos really does freak me out on some level still, the way it did when I was 18 or 20, and way more than it does for me to think about, say, a lesbian couple watching women-made, women-friendly films. I do make some hierarchies in my mind that may be stereotypical and not entirely fair. But people and porn types differ, and it's human nature to make value judgments once in a while. I have this sense of lingering ick from a time when I worked as a cashier and sold Hustler, etc, to assholes. It colors my feelings.

But anyway. My boring point is that a lot of times I am more put off by how someone thinks, and how they put forth their opinions, than the actual content. I've said before that I don't like strong opinions, but articulate passion can be wonderful. So maybe what I really mean is that I don't like black-and-white, overly simplified opinions, which usually go in hand with sweeping condemnations, condescension, hot aggressive rants, soapboxing for its own sake, a readiness to engage in personal warfare, all that jazz. Angry voguing. As if there's a virtue in offending people and pissing them off. I get why people do that. But I don't get it on a gut level. It weirds me out. I don't feel safe around people like that.

And if you get caught up in that attitudinizing, it usually makes for hot, dumb arguments that are easily rebutted by smart, cool people.

But sometimes cool people annoy me too. I'm hard to please.

It was probably too late at night to try and cohere these thoughts. In the morning I will read this and do a little face-palm move, with a sigh.