March 30th, 2003


because I am awake...

"Five by Five"--my *god*, that was a kick-ass episode. I am not watching S1 in order, but I feel now that I should, because I imagine this to pinpoint the moment when Wesley's darkening arc begins in earnest. I look at him in this ep, compared against, say, his utter dorkiness in "She," and am befuddled.

5x5 is a thing of beauty. Not a wasted moment, every single bit of it--especially the treats of Faith, Wes, Lilah, and Lindsey--perfect to a tee. And Angel. I'd forgotten that they interwove historical backstory in this particular ep. Wowza. That was so cool, especially how they didn't need to draw explicit parallels or drop anvils headward. They just put it out there, and let the viewer do the work. And the last few minutes of the ep killed me, put me in traction and tears.

And I say--not a wasted moment, okay, and yet in this ep, we have a gratuitous scene of about a minute or so where Angel breaks into W&H and is buttonholed by a lawyer who thinks he works there and gabs him to death in a beautifully comic pas de deux. Would you get a priceless little gift like that in S4? I honestly don't think so. Those are the things that have fallen by the wayside, and they're among the things I miss most.

More recs, anyone...please? I beg. I do.

I went back to, like, skip=330 on my friends list to collect posts on LMPTM, and pasted all the links into a file, trying to divide them into positive and negative reviews, but I wasn't sure about all of them. I read a few and all was well and then I read one thread and got stomach cramps of anger. It's not healthy to inflict that kind of thing on oneself--reading rants that trigger the desire to chuck shoes at people one usually loves, I mean. Now I'm not sure what to do with my list. Save it for a year from now, perhaps.

So now I wonder things like: does my critical Angel commentary engender the same degree of rage in devoted Angel fans as Spike-slapping does in me? It'd just be the big old karma wheel turning, I guess, if so.

Am rather pleased, I admit, that I got at least one story done this week. Collapse )

I should be in bed. It's 2:30 in the morning. I definitely shouldn't drink any more, so I'm going to ignore my empty glass. I want to fantasize but I've tapped out my current fantasy and need a fresh vein, and one hasn't presented itself yet. I hate that. Actually, the vein analogy isn't too good--it's more like, I play one song over and over until I wear out the recording, give it ruts.

Maybe back to Spike/Riley. Hmmm.

la la la...

The hours left until I have to return to a 40-hour work week are dwindling rapidly and I can't bear to face it. Must drink heavily.

I've decided that if Spike were female, he'd look somewhat like Milla Jovovich--or at least Milla from a certain angle captured in a handful of pictures. I'm a strange girl, I know. Strange and mockable. I downloaded about a dozen images I consider to be the best evidence of my freakish delusion contention. Fodder for a fantasy that I will not tell y'all about. No. Nope. No way, baby.

Though it did have sexy dancing.

Also? I like Angel, the series. I still like it. I'm not retracting anything. My liking's been there, taking a rest in the shade. I see-saw on every subject under the sun, sometimes from minute to minute, sentence to sentence. Not all that long ago I was saying how the show is on a hot streak lately. But my lazy mind needs crutches to help it think, so I set up dichotomies and comparisons, anything to help structure my thoughts for five minutes at a time. I'm no essayist. Coherency would take too long for the throwaway posts I write. And I'm just an ambivalent or maybe panvalent person--about the war, about anything I read in the news, about every other issue you can name. And I've decided that this is my theme song.

I think the end of BtVS and the possible end of Angel are cranking people up, triggering anxious behavior--even if that doesn't seem to be the surface cause. It's not surprising. And the tides work on me as much as anyone. I am easily swayed to moodiness. And maybe it's a kind of prickly resiliency, that when things are tossed out, I bounce them back almost by pure reflex--fannish energies and whatnot. The rant of a distant butterfly causes a hurricane somewhere else, etc. I wish I could stop getting cranked, though. It doesn't take much. I really am a temperamental bitch. It's hard, too, when the only stuff you talk about with some people is fandom stuff, and there's no other social context to reestablish safer, more common, and happier ground. That bums me.

I bum me. The things I get upset about are small and ridiculous and I should pull back now and then, but it's hard. elynross was saying recently that time spent offline helped give her some perspective. That strikes me as kind of like getting a chiropractic adjustment--emotionally, spiritually, mentally.

This is oddly vague. Impersonally personal. As usual.

I feel lonely, and do not like myself much lately. Just noting that for the record. I may like myself more later. Is it divalike to leave comments on for a post like this? I don't know. I'm depressed. Is it wrong to want some cheering up? Maybe I could just ask for recs again. I want something happy.

I will now try to write.



I will not stop posting.

Watched "Sanctuary" and "Blind Date." How happy am I? RiDICulously happy. My god, Gunn is such a wunderkind. I love him to death. And Lindsey. He breaks my heart, he's such a cutie.

And, man, I'd forgotten the sheer HSQ of "Sanctuary." Buffy coming in to find Faith and Angel cuddling on his bed. The cutting finality of Angel saying, "Not in my city." Wesley playing along with the evil watchers, then backing Angel and the woman who'd tortured him. How much do I love him? Muchly. I was on tenterhooks, watching that ep.

Fascinating to note that throughout season one, they dressed Wesley in the White Watcher Suit of Righteousness. I'm not sure what that signifies. But he pretty much had only the one suit, and it was white. Or off-white. Fascinating.

I feel much more invested in Faith's arc after watching "Five by Five" and "Sanctuary." She was mesmerizing and beautifully fucked-up, torture, pain, and all. Is it wrong to re-imagine that arc with Spike instead of Faith? I think a lot of people probably write S/A on that premise. I get a happy from that.