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19 August 2003 @ 09:29 pm
Freaky Friday  
I went to see this--the remake with Jamie Lee Curtis--on a whim and because I'm dyking it up today and it's Jamie Lee Curtis. I really don't need to explain. And it was fantastic. It was a Salon.com review that mostly prompted me to go, and the review had described it as the most relaxed Disney movie to come out in ages, a movie that felt like it had been created to please itself rather than forced to adhere to some horrible, "family-friendly" spec or formula of the Giant Rat's.

I thought that was accurate. It has a nice cast of actors--Lindsay Lohan, the actress who played the daughter, Anna, was talented and cool, and her teen-love interest, Chad Murray as Ryan, was yummy. (Ack, he was on Dawson's Creek! But, whew, he was also on Gilmore Girls. Also, the pic of him in IMDb sucks. He is way hotter than that.) But I, being a pervert, got the biggest kick out of the part of the movie where Ryan crushed on Anna while she was played by JLC--so he thinks he's crushing on someone old enough to be his mom, and they're talking about alternative music while everyone in the coffee shop is staring and listening in with fascination at their effusively blossoming May-September romance. It was so cute! *g* I'd have watched *that* movie, I'm telling you.

The music was good too--there was a whole subplot with Anna's band, and their sound could have been tossed off and crappy but it wasn't. In fact I think I want the soundtrack. Yes, I have a little soundtrack addiction problem.

Also, they didn't do the horrible thing at the climax of the movie that I thought they'd do, and I was shocked--shocked!--that someone had instead made a good dramatic choice. (It involved guitar playing, in case you're planning to go see this.)

And during the wedding toast I cried like a bitch.

So that was kind of relaxing, also because I had a drink at a bar just before the movie started. I took a taxi ride home afterward and let the balmy air flow across my face and thought about going to the liquor store and drinking more but didn't.

I feel restless and a bit on edge, but that's because I totally do not deserve to be paid for my presence at the office today, and I need to scrub away my guilty angst with some hard work. I am currently riding the crest of a wave of ennui. Or something. I need to surf onto the beach and get back on the job.

I have questions and ambivalencies about the intersection of addiction and character--where does one's responsibility to oneself begin and end? When do you just have to say to yourself: "I'm going to coast for a bit." And when do you slap yourself and say, "Bitch, you can't excuse your behavior on grounds of personal angst." It's not even Grand High Angst I'm having right now. It's so mundane. I'm not a rape victim trying to recover, I'm not struggling with cancer, I'm not clinically depressed to the point of zombiehood and suicide attempts. I'm not staggering out of gutters at six a.m. I'm just lonely and wan in the most ordinary of ways. I've got writer's block. I'm...me.
Current Mood: unsure
caille on August 19th, 2003 09:44 pm (UTC)
"I'm just lonely and wan in the most ordinary of ways."

This is enough. You don't need to make shallow cuts or dive off of the tower. This is being human. No bells, no drums. Even if you demand psychic stigmata of yourself, please know that I don't.

"I totally do not deserve to be paid for my presence at the office today."

I don't know the particulars of this situation. All I know is that I didn't get paid for a whole lot of presence at my last job, because my employer decided I was exempt from overtime rules. What you got paid for working today? Consider it second-hand reparations.

As for when do you allow yourself to coast, and when should you administer the Auto Smack-Down...? I don't know. I can't say, for myself. I have to pretend that I am speaking for a friend, because when it comes to assessing my own soul, I can't.

PS: I am so glad to hear that "Freaky Friday" is a winner.
Estepheiaestepheia on August 19th, 2003 11:58 pm (UTC)
Sometimes there's not enough St. John's Wort in the whole world.

I am a firm believer that many of our weaker moments are facilliated by chemical imbalances, that our moods affect our body chemistry and vice versa. It's okay to wallow. Feeling guilt over it just makes it worse. When you watched the movie, did part of you think you ought to be writing instead? If so, you are doing something wrong.

My husband keeps saying that the way some of us live in fandom it's like a job. You don't get paid but you feel the same obligation to turn up and do your thing, to keep informed what's going on, to console friends where necessary, put on a friendly face etc. Even though we can be ourselves in LJ land we still filter our utterances, make them less provocative. And we feel like we ought to write stories because the readers are waiting for them. And the thing is: we do this seven days a week, and many of us for as many hours as we can get away with. And when we go on holiday we make sure there's a computer in the vicinity so we can check what's going on. Mr. Estepheia is of the opinion that the hobby sometimes mutates into stress and I think he's right (he's very smart and very sweet).

So, what I'd do is find the things that stress you most and take a day off from them. Guilt free! Stop thinking about them for a day. Fuck writers block!

Just my 2 cents. *HUG*
kassrachel on August 20th, 2003 04:34 am (UTC)
I have questions and ambivalencies about the intersection of addiction and character--where does one's responsibility to oneself begin and end?

Man, is that a million-dollar question. I've often thought that comparing my mild depressions and "off" days to, you know, people who have major mental illness or are dealing with cancer or other horrible things, is like comparing apples and oranges. Sure, somebody else's life might be empirically "worse" than mine and therefore their depression might be "more justified," but how do I really know that? All I know is the contents of my own head. Which are sometimes happy and stable, and other times grey and useless. Sometimes you just have to let yourself coast, because there's no point in saying "Well, that person over *there*, her life sucks worse than mine and she's holding it together, therefore I am a bad human being" or whatever.

Then again, sometimes you have to slap yourself and say "Bitch, you can't excuse your behavior on grounds of personal angst," too. So I guess I'm not being especially helpful, because all I'm really doing here is reiterating your question. *g*

Ilike Jamie Lee Curtis a lot. I think I got a crush on her the first time I saw Fish Called Wanda</a>.
Misha: evil geniusesmishamcm on August 20th, 2003 07:11 am (UTC)
I adore Jamie Lee Curtis! Glad to hear the movie is good.

I know many people who are always wondering if they're being too lazy, too self-indulgent. They're generally incredibly hard workers who are in more danger of overworking themselves than of coasting too much. Just because it isn't a life-and-death crisis doesn't mean you're coddling yourself.