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19 August 2003 @ 10:34 am
Frogs.  
This post is not about frogs.

I'm so glad that mishamcm posted this hysterical set of slash hand-signals from wikdsushi, because now I can pass it on too. It kills me in the good way.

Reason #14 why I will continue to pimp kjv31 to the world: because he exposes me to stuff like this, which makes me weep for the children enriches my understanding of human nature in a new and horrible way.

In other news, I received a phone call this morning, rousing me from sleep at 7:00 a.m. It was the spokesman for DAFT (Doctrinal American Fags for Truth), a five-million member organization of gay men dedicated to vigorously correcting fictional misrepresentations and biased media coverage of their noble people. Their spokesman, Ty, informed me that I had landed on their Watch List for having written a number of fan-fiction stories that, quote, "Softened the masculine, politically progressive image of gay men with portrayals of characters who discuss their relationship between bouts of inaccurate anal sex, yet who rarely call themselves 'gay'." He expressed the wishes of the gay male majority that fan-fiction written by women about gay or quasi-gay men should adhere more closely to realistic statistical profiles of the average gay man, a prescriptive stance apparently adopted as a formal resolution in their most recent annual meeting.

After he explained the process by which fictional works would need to be submitted before the Board of Queer Standards for approval and endorsement, I decided instead to simply stop writing slash fiction. This strikes me as the most practical and ethical choice, given that the wishes of gay men everywhere on the subject of slash fiction have been so clearly articulated.

As a side note, I mentioned to Ty that I'd actually come across remarks by women in fandom who expressed these same concerns about slash depictions of gay men. I asked him whether these women were perhaps affiliated in some way with DAFT or other gay male associations, but he said rather explosively, "Hellllllll no, girl, those dizzy bitches don't speak for us."

I guess that puts us in our place.

Hey, look, it seems to be time to work.
 
 
 
in search of a clever byline10zlaine on August 19th, 2003 10:41 am (UTC)
::smooch::


You went back to sleep and dreamt of roomsful of buggering boyz, didn't you?!
Herself_nycherself_nyc on August 19th, 2003 10:46 am (UTC)
God, you are the wittiest woman alive.
torchflambeau on August 19th, 2003 10:47 am (UTC)
I'm torn. Should I hand in my slash license, or should I dedicate myself to spreading a statistically correct vision to the slash community? I mean, imagine the thrill of righteous validation if DAFT says I got it right!
Manna: c.o.c.k - msmannamanna on August 19th, 2003 11:47 am (UTC)
The Appliance of Science
Should I hand in my slash license, or should I dedicate myself to spreading a statistically correct vision to the slash community?

Oh, statistics, definitely. And it can be done. To get you started, I have a citation for a helpful research paper giving the average number, length, force and spacing of pelvic contractions experienced by men during orgasm, as measured by anal probe.

You think I'm joking, don't you? But I'm not.
torchflambeau on August 19th, 2003 12:24 pm (UTC)
Re: The Appliance of Science
You think I'm joking, don't you? But I'm not.

Well, I was kind of hoping. Wow. I can't decide if I love you or fear you.

"Whoa, did you just have a statistically anomalous orgasm?"
"Uh huh. My pelvic muscles are trained, yo."
Halimedehalimede on August 20th, 2003 09:01 am (UTC)
Re: The Appliance of Science
"Whoa, did you just have a statistically anomalous orgasm?"

Hmmm, I wonder if I can make that fit onto an icon... ;)
(And if it does would you like it and/or permit me to use it?)
torchflambeau on August 22nd, 2003 01:21 pm (UTC)
Re: The Appliance of Science
Hee! Yes, of course. If you fit that onto an icon, I want to see it! :)
Halimede: statistically_anomoloushalimede on August 22nd, 2003 01:35 pm (UTC)
Re: The Appliance of Science
Here it is. It wasn't as difficult as I imagined, actually. All hail readable fonts.
(If it amuses you, feel free to steal it.)

BTW, I love this icon. It's very multi-functional. jrt13's my lucky number at the moment. :)
torchflambeau on August 22nd, 2003 01:42 pm (UTC)
Re: The Appliance of Science
::grins:: I'm glad to see you're getting a lot of mileage out of that one!

I don't normally go around proofreading icons - er, actually I do, part of my job is proofing, so I don't seem to be able to stop - anyway, I just thought I'd mention that anomalous has two as in it. Yes, I'm a sad, sad case. ;)
Halimedehalimede on August 22nd, 2003 02:08 pm (UTC)
Re: The Appliance of Science
The scary thing? I was so tired when I made that one, I *knew* I couldn't remember how it's spelled (I kept wanting to put the u with the earlier o) so I looked it up. Of course *now* my spell-checker and online dictionaries agree that it's an a there, but I swear that's not what they told me at the time! ::indignant huff towards the spell-check & dictionary::Like I said, I was reallllllllly tired.

I'll correct it tomorrow. :)
still lavender from the block: OTPwickedprincess3 on August 19th, 2003 10:48 am (UTC)
*dies*
Roquelaureroquelaure on August 19th, 2003 10:53 am (UTC)
I *heart* you so much.
gwynnega on August 19th, 2003 11:04 am (UTC)
heeheehee...
Angel: pantsvalarltd on August 19th, 2003 11:44 am (UTC)
My boys aren't gay. (pants aside.) They're just immature and unready to commit to furthering the interests of their respective houses. When they grow up, they'll add a woman (or three) to their marriage and set up a nice big household close to the rest of the family.

</end matriarch>

Weeping with you. I'll buy slimy hatching orcs for my 8 yo before that.

I love your DAFT board summons. I hereby turn in my slash license.
I will go continue writing incestuous het with gay incestuous UST.

And all my anal sex is accurate. Tested and tried. Harrumph!

Speaking as a Dizzy Bitch
[Error: Irreparable invalid markup ('<font=small>') in entry. Owner must fix manually. Raw contents below.]

My boys aren't gay. (pants aside.) They're just immature and unready to commit to furthering the interests of their respective houses. When they grow up, they'll add a woman (or three) to their marriage and set up a nice big household close to the rest of the family.

&lt/end matriarch&gt

Weeping with you. I'll buy slimy hatching orcs for my 8 yo before that.

I love your DAFT board summons. I hereby turn in my slash license.
I will go continue writing incestuous het with gay incestuous UST.

And all my anal sex is accurate. Tested and tried. Harrumph!

Speaking as a Dizzy Bitch <font=small>(TM)</font>:
Seriously, in different societies, must they call themselves gay?
Leonardo is married, but prefers the company of his new slave, who is educated and intelligent, to that of his menopausal wife. He's Roman. Gay wasn't a concept they really had.

In outer space, or fantasy worlds, who says the same words would be used? Or that sleeping with the same sex would be anything other than adolescent experimentation before fulfilling social commitments, followed by a return to same sex love in old age?

As the Old Norse Proverb says "All men are argr as they age."
Argr is "Desirous of men." It was a (literally) deadly insult for a young man starting a family.
Video Deteriora Sequorexecutrix on August 20th, 2003 07:14 am (UTC)
Hey! Old Norse for "today's trade is tomorrow's competition"!

I didn't click to the link but can only wonder if any of the anal probe surveys cited were performed by Large Grays on spaceships.
(Deleted comment)
Anna S.eliade on August 19th, 2003 01:14 pm (UTC)
You know, I was just thinking about this--about the reaction of your friends and about how men and women are basically different. I mean, if I had a lot of fanboy friends who were writing Xena/whatshername in slash style (or variety of styles), I think I'd react the same. But where it's harder is when I'm confronted with no-neck thugs who are all into pussy spreads and cum shots, etc. And yet they might well not be hurting anyone either, and "degredation" is still an iffy accusation. But I think that men and women are very different--that men are probably not especially threatened by how women perceive male sexuality, as a whole--whereas women may more often feel personally threatened by the "bleed-over" effect of grahpic porn and what it says about how men perceive female sexuality.

I'd love to see studies, anyway. And I'm just barely touching the iceberg's tip; there are so many other issues related to the subject of porn.
vi, miss vylit if you're nastyvylit on August 19th, 2003 01:36 pm (UTC)
LMAO. You're amazing, witty, and I laughed so it hurt.
(Anonymous) on August 19th, 2003 02:47 pm (UTC)
gay man's viewpoint
Just to offer an actual gay man's point of view: I've read your stuff for three years now, Anna, loving it and you intensely and whole heartedly. I've checked this site practically every day for the past three years! I'm all for women writing slash when it's so fabulous. And if the sex scenes sometimes makes me scratch my head and chuckle, who cares?

Kai
Anna S.eliade on August 19th, 2003 05:47 pm (UTC)
Re: gay man's viewpoint
Aw. Thank you! :>) You're very kind.
needfireneedfire on August 19th, 2003 05:14 pm (UTC)
Sending you the bill for the whiskey laden spit-take currently decorating my computer
Barbrahirah on August 19th, 2003 05:44 pm (UTC)
Snerk.

rowanswhimsy asked if lesbians writing het PWP are degrading heterosexual culture. This worries me deeply, since there are, like, three of us at least, and damned if I want to start a fad...
Mintwitchmintwitch on August 20th, 2003 09:59 pm (UTC)
ROTFLMAO! No kidding! OMG, I think we might be a *trend*!