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23 March 2011 @ 10:51 am
angels  
Toni is definitely talking--not on the phone to someone else, but not to herself either. I only wish I knew what the other end was saying back.

Toni: "They're trying to set me on fire but I don't feel pain."

Unknown: "..."

Toni: "No--no, it's not sexual."

Unknown: "..."

Toni: "We're all going to die for this." (followed by great hilarity)

I haven't mentioned that Toni is remarkably and entirely bald, like a cue ball, and resembles a cross between an accident-prone male hockey player and Michael Berryman. She claims to be leaving tomorrow and I have to admit I'll be a little relieved when she's gone--but at least she's a known quantity. I've been lucky with the bunkmate lottery so far, but that could change any day.

I've been offline a lot--when I set out on an errand, each one seems to suck up an entire day and then suddenly it's 5:30 again and I'm stuck in the dorm for 13 hours with no wi-fi. I bought a notebook to write things in. Very old school.

I've had a few doctor's appointments. From each visit a new constellation of contacts and appointments seems to sprout--psychiatrist, psychologist, social worker, social services, etc. I've discovered that I have some medical coverage from the DSHS; I hadn't known about it. They'd notified me months ago, but I'd been too depressed to open my mail. So that will cover prescriptions and--I think--therapy visits. I have a list of counseling agencies I need to choose from.

During my first meeting with my PCP (always a weird acronym to wield) we decided to up the dose on one of my antidepressants. I asked for that and she agreed. Some of my fuzzy pink-clouded ebullience wore off during the last week and I worry about losing traction, getting bogged down in my own head. And apparently any accrued benefits of the meds are really still a ways off, so...what does that mean? What accounts for my recently improved mood? Is it all in my head? (That questions half a joke, half not.)

Meanwhile Beryl is still absorbed, day after day, in her organizing project. I haven't witnessed anything being thrown out. Mostly things seem to be moving from one pile to another. Anything that involves words on paper she reads very carefully; sometimes she tears out articles, which go in their own particular stack.

We are both OCD in our way, though the scope and focus differs. I have all my possessions enclosed in zippered plastic bags, the kind that bed linens and pillowcases come in. What can I say. I had them. I might also be the only person in the shelter with a bottle of all-purpose, lemon-scented cleaner and a roll of paper towels.

Every time I go to the shelter bathroom, I walk in on a conversation about bed bugs.

***

When I look at my PayPal account, I freeze in gratitude. I'm working on that. The gifts mean a lot to me. There is something collectively angelic about this gesture of giving. In response, unsurprisingly, I've had a reflex of uncertainty and self-doubt: why me? I've given too, not just taken, but I still feel off-balance right now. I want to be on the side of the angels.
 
 
 
Dancetomato: Skywalker Therapydancetomato on March 23rd, 2011 05:59 pm (UTC)
I'm so glad you found out about the DSHS. I don't know if writing in your LJ is causing your mood to be better, or if you are writing in your LJ because your mood is better. Either way, I'm very grateful you're staying in touch with us. *hugs*
Kass: Rodney screenkassrachel on March 23rd, 2011 06:12 pm (UTC)
Yay for some health coverage! Every little bit helps.

The generosity of fandom so often blows me away -- whether it manifests in the stories and vids we so generously share with one another (I have derived honestly limitless hours of joy from your writing) or in the imaginary dollars which somehow become real in our Paypal accounts.

And hee, I hear you on the lemon cleanser and paper towels! What a comfort those must be.
Trepkos: Nerd by Bliss_vtrepkos on March 23rd, 2011 07:20 pm (UTC)
Beryl sounds like me, tidying my desk ...

Doctor Science: kitten heartmecurtin on March 23rd, 2011 07:27 pm (UTC)
I've been ringleading efforts to help thdancingferret, who also is struggling with more than a person can reasonably bear. The outpouring has been *amazing* -- we raised enough $$ to buy her a new mattress literally overnight.

I told her that I think part of it is that the world at large is full of *so much* desperate need right now, that a lot of people WANT to help someone, anyone, as long as they KNOW they're helping. Giving to e.g. Japan seems so feeble compared to what is needed.

But giving to individual people, people we know, who really truly need it -- THAT is something we can do. So, "why you?" -- because you need it, and because we need to actually *help* someone.

I hope that, in due course, you can get together enough to see some local fan face-to-face, to know more directly how we care. Meanwhile, Better Living Through Chemistry has been my watchword for years.
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tabaqui: castielangelofthelordbyspooky-windowtabaqui on March 23rd, 2011 09:47 pm (UTC)
Heeeee! At least the conversation brought about hilarity rather than hysteria.

Personally, having your stuff in zippered plastic bags sounds like damn smart thinking rather than OCD. I'm twitchy about things like that, too, and in a public space like that...wow, i'd be a bit freaked out 24/7.
*bedbugs. gaaaah*

Take my icon as a statement about sides. :)
eaceac on March 23rd, 2011 10:51 pm (UTC)
I agree about the zippered bags sounding smart.
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Amy WWamyww on March 24th, 2011 01:23 am (UTC)
Don't feel like there is some giant balance sheet or that we only have the one lifetime and one plane to balance it. Receive generously. Get better. Everytime somebody 'bes all they can be' the whole planet benefits.
ruthless1ruthless1 on March 24th, 2011 04:52 am (UTC)
Stand on the other foot for a few minutes - that might help with the balance. Okay that was a VERY funny joke when i thought of it and then when I wrote it down? Not so much.
I third or fourth the zippered plastic bags. I have an unnatural fondness for bags within bags and containers within containers. I believe I probably imprinted on one of those russian stacking dolls instead of my mother. Such was life back then.
Keep writing if you can. The notebook is a great idea. Getting the words out (and out of your head) can only be a good thing.
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