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17 March 2011 @ 11:13 am
Thank you guys  
I'm going through comments now and it's lovely to read them. As I just wrote elsewhere, writing and getting responses helps me feel connected and safer. Like I haven't totally fallen off the grid. I've been isolating myself (or "self-isolating" to use psych-speak) for a long time. I've been so alone, largely of my own making, and the loneliness has been pretty crushing. I need to stop self-crushing, I guess...or something like that. It got to where I felt as if a large, critical portion of my brain had been excised, leaving this empty space, void of will and life. I need to work on ways to better describe that feeling. (It's good to be working at words again.)

It's definitely enough for me to write and be read, and to get responses. On the other hand, I'm not a completely crazy person, and I'm not to proud to turn down offers of help. I know very well both how karmically good it feels to give help, and how excruciating it can feel to ask for it. I've had trouble asking before. Now I'm not so much asking as just accepting. I'm willing to accept what help has been offered, hugs, good thoughts, and all the rest. I have a PayPal account already associated with my eliade@gmail.com address, and I'm pretty sure that's sufficient to receive transactions...(?)

You can be sure I'll fund my own rescue first and foremost. I'm not cut out for the streets. But I also haven't been able to entirely shut down my impulse to do stuff for others. I've already been a bit more spendy that I should helping other people out, and I beed to keep that in check so that I'm not undermining my own escape efforts. But I also desperately want to do something for the CRP wing where I'm staying. It has a pitifully small common area with close to zero amenities, and a little would go such a long way. There's no hand soap, for instance; no AA Big Book, no Bible, nothing on the walls, no games whatsoever, not even a pack of cards. I could spend just twenty bucks and improve the atmosphere strikingly. And I want to. And I'd like to know that if my bunkmate is half-starving, I can supplement her diet once in a while with a fruit cup or a Subway sandwich.

Anyway. I'm still going through comments and feeling very *huggy*. I have a doctor's appointment in a little while, then I'll be hopping back online for some additional time, before returning to the shelter around 4:30, which is when they open their doors again after the grand extermination event.

::waving from Seattle::
Kasskassrachel on March 17th, 2011 06:18 pm (UTC)
It is so good to hear your voice again. I just keep wanting to wave and be all hiii! welcome back! hiiiii!

deaver: Scruffy Handeaver on March 17th, 2011 06:34 pm (UTC)
I'll second kassrachel, it's really lovely to have you back around here - you've been missed. *hugs*
Cassandrageekturnedvamp on March 17th, 2011 07:17 pm (UTC)
Hey, I've been thinking about you a lot this week and I'm glad you're reaching out again! Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.
Her Head Exploded! How Cool Is That?zee on March 17th, 2011 07:40 pm (UTC)
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eaceac on March 18th, 2011 03:48 am (UTC)
I'd be willing to drop small gifts both to Anna and the CRP, fwiw...
Trepkos: Arthur and Kai eyefucktrepkos on March 17th, 2011 07:52 pm (UTC)
Thank you for letting us help.
dovildovil on March 17th, 2011 07:55 pm (UTC)
Yay, good on you! And hugs right backatcha.
(Deleted comment)
Alizarin_NYC: Amy  Pondalizarin_nyc on March 17th, 2011 08:32 pm (UTC)
Good to hear your voice. It's okay not to be able to shut down your impulse to do good stuff! Just include yourself on the recipient list.
in search of a clever byline10zlaine on March 17th, 2011 08:58 pm (UTC)
I'm so very glad you are here, and posting.

Your words are important. Please keep using them.
JaneDavittjanedavitt on March 17th, 2011 09:34 pm (UTC)
Thank you for letting us help and wanting to pass it on ::hugs::
Her Head Exploded! How Cool Is That?zee on March 17th, 2011 10:14 pm (UTC)
Hey Anna, would you like to set up, or have one of us set up, a ChipIn account for you so that your PayPal info/real name stays private?
the_shoshannathe_shoshanna on March 18th, 2011 01:33 am (UTC)
I hope the words build a bridge back from your isolation and help to fill in the emptiness! It's so good to read them, and to hear from you.
rubywisp: misc: stand under my umbrellarubywisp on March 18th, 2011 02:45 am (UTC)
i am just catching up here, and i don't know what i could possibly say in the face of all that is going on in your life. but i am enormously glad to see you. *hugs*
"I don't care how delicious he is, he's EVIL!": secret valentineshrift on March 18th, 2011 05:03 am (UTC)
I'm glad you're alive and posting, and letting us send some help. *hugs*