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22 December 2010 @ 07:24 am
scared peep  
It's very hard just to say hello, world after two years of nowhere. If I could get away with a -6 font size that's what I'd use for this. White on white. I'm going to try to poke tendrils out though. I expect most posts to be short, inane, mundane; small talk about cats and Sherlock and the weather.



The thought of even reading comments let alone replying makes me tense. I tried to read some old comments yesterday and couldn't--I'm in that place where the memory of people's friendliness just makes me feel smaller.
EDIT: Okay maybe I can read and post comments after all. I felt very accomplished after I actually posted this and didn't delete it. Still coasting on that peep-sized glow...also, hey, insane mood swings!

Am about to crash after all-nighter but will wake up to comments later today and dive back into my own astounding & unexpected social streak.
So, obviously I'm not in a good place [really not so much, despite insane perky mood swings that appear to undermine my claim] but I want to try to write around that; I'm hoping that writing something public might help me get some small hang of passably normal back. Like going through the motions of smiling when you don't feel it, because in theory it'll start to feel real the more you do it. So--mechanical motions of communication with the outside world.

Possibly a bad time to be doing this. I've been off meds for too long--antidepressants, mood stabilizers. So I'm emotionally unstable, irritable to the point of viciousness, lonely but self-isolated, etc. I hope to get back on them soon. The mix probably needs tweaking too.

An insane cat is rattling needily at the closed door of my room. This is the cat who always tries to interrupt my Rodney McKay/Cheyenne Jackson fantasy time. Damn his furry nose.
 
 
Current Mood: unnerved
 
 
 
Beth H: Books cat reading (bbb)bethbethbeth on December 22nd, 2010 03:28 pm (UTC)
Which probably means that a response saying "Hi! I missed you!" is also going to be weird (part welcome, part unwelcome), but...Hi! I missed you!

Also...posts about cats are never mundane, for cats are infinitely interesting!
Anna S.eliade on December 22nd, 2010 03:42 pm (UTC)
Strangely, the comment panic moment passed and hasn't returned yet--I just went and grilled some chicken and locked out the cats again with a mwahhahha sound. So like navigating a puddlejumper through a narrowing gate you've maneuvered into a finite window of opportunity. :)

(You can tell where my fannish clock stopped, can't you? Which was apparently just in time to miss canonical Super!Het!Rodney, thank god.)

Also, hello!
(no subject) - bethbethbeth on December 22nd, 2010 03:47 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - eliade on December 22nd, 2010 04:40 pm (UTC) (Expand)
LadyCatladycat777 on December 22nd, 2010 03:31 pm (UTC)
No need to reply, then, but I'm always so very glad to see you. Take care of yourself &hearts
Anna S.eliade on December 22nd, 2010 03:45 pm (UTC)
I'm surfing a moment of real sociability and hoping to prolong it. so good to see YOU. *hug*

Forgive erratic caps. The spacebar on my laptop is broken and keeps bonking the other keys. Typing is kind of hell, but hey.

I haven't read LJ in 2 years. I've probably missed major life events for everyone I know and v-knowish. I hope you're well.
(Deleted comment)
(no subject) - threegoldfish on December 22nd, 2010 04:12 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - eliade on December 23rd, 2010 02:03 am (UTC) (Expand)
mfthe_emef on December 22nd, 2010 03:44 pm (UTC)
<3 very nice to see a post of yours ; no need to reply
Anna S.eliade on December 22nd, 2010 03:48 pm (UTC)
*hug* I'm soccer-player-shoving my way past nervousness at the moment. :)
(no subject) - the_emef on December 22nd, 2010 03:50 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - eliade on December 22nd, 2010 04:02 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - quatre_k on December 22nd, 2010 04:04 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - eliade on December 22nd, 2010 04:09 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - quatre_k on December 22nd, 2010 04:49 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - eliade on December 23rd, 2010 02:05 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - the_emef on December 22nd, 2010 04:11 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - eliade on December 22nd, 2010 04:24 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - eliade on December 22nd, 2010 04:42 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - the_emef on December 22nd, 2010 04:44 pm (UTC) (Expand)
Laura Shapirolaurashapiro on December 22nd, 2010 03:47 pm (UTC)
I'm very glad to see you.
Anna S.eliade on December 22nd, 2010 03:50 pm (UTC)
I'm surprising myself by feverishing glomming on commenters. *blush* *HUG* Soon I will crash after being up all night and the cats will come and have their way with my blanket-covered lump, pinning me in place for 4-6 hours, so...that might have bin a non sequitur. Anyway, HELLO!
::HUGS BACK:: - laurashapiro on December 22nd, 2010 03:56 pm (UTC) (Expand)
Re: ::HUGS BACK:: - eliade on December 22nd, 2010 04:13 pm (UTC) (Expand)
Re: ::HUGS BACK:: - laurashapiro on December 22nd, 2010 06:09 pm (UTC) (Expand)
Re: ::HUGS BACK:: - eliade on December 23rd, 2010 02:08 am (UTC) (Expand)
flaming muse: sherlockjohn renestarkoflaming_muse on December 22nd, 2010 03:48 pm (UTC)
We like posts about cats, Sherlock, and the weather! Post any time. :) We will be happy to see you.
Anna S.eliade on December 23rd, 2010 02:15 am (UTC)
I just read a story with this sentence in Sherlock's POV:

John reading at the end of the bed like a lovely little cat.

It's more breathtaking in context, maybe. Sort of like a squee compressed to haiku form.
(no subject) - flaming_muse on December 23rd, 2010 10:50 am (UTC) (Expand)
I Blame the Dutchmpoetess on December 22nd, 2010 03:51 pm (UTC)
*whispers* <font size=-abillionty>Anna! It's so good to see you!</font>
Anna S.eliade on December 22nd, 2010 04:38 pm (UTC)
*HUG* So good to see you too. :) And a Strangers in Paradise icon? Sweet!
(no subject) - mpoetess on December 22nd, 2010 04:42 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - eliade on December 23rd, 2010 02:20 am (UTC) (Expand)
Sharkiewolfshark on December 22nd, 2010 03:52 pm (UTC)
Hi!
Anna S.eliade on December 22nd, 2010 04:15 pm (UTC)
Hi! :) I've been re-reading a number of your stories these past few days. I've missed kink. It's good to know others have been carrying the freak flag forward, waving it high. *g*
(no subject) - wolfshark on December 22nd, 2010 04:25 pm (UTC) (Expand)
Smitty: Marlowe Squishsmittywing on December 22nd, 2010 03:52 pm (UTC)
Hi! Welcome back to the interwebz. Also, this Sherlock bandwagon - I hear it's worth getting on. :)
Anna S.eliade on December 22nd, 2010 04:16 pm (UTC)
*hug* Oh god, yes. Sherlock. One of my next posts will likely be a breathless rec. :)
The Girl that Blocked her own Shotquatre_k on December 22nd, 2010 03:59 pm (UTC)
Oh I was just thinking about you and rereading some of your stuff the other day welcome back :)
Anna S.eliade on December 22nd, 2010 04:18 pm (UTC)
Thank you. I feel like I'm phasing in from some other dimension. Two years online is like, what, twenty in real space-time continuum terms?
(no subject) - quatre_k on December 22nd, 2010 04:50 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - eliade on December 23rd, 2010 02:21 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - quatre_k on December 23rd, 2010 07:02 am (UTC) (Expand)
it's just that you're unbearable: Holmes & Watsonfitofpique on December 22nd, 2010 04:11 pm (UTC)
It's always lovely to see you! Hi!
Anna S.eliade on December 22nd, 2010 04:22 pm (UTC)
Hi! :) *hug* Pretty, pretty icon--I'm just realizing that I'll be getting to see all kinds of cool new icons; ones I haven't seen before, anyway. I looked at my icon page a few days ago. Very stale. Now I have an excuse to fiddle in PhotoShop. Though I was sad to realize I hadn't kept my Milla Jovovich = Femme!Spike icons. I must have lost them on an old work laptop. So sad... :(
(Deleted comment)
Anna S.eliade on December 23rd, 2010 02:23 am (UTC)
Happy hola! :) *hug*
Trepkos: Arthur and Kai eyefucktrepkos on December 22nd, 2010 04:20 pm (UTC)
So happy to see you!
I was reading one of your stories again two days ago.
Haven't been posting much on my own journal myself - confined to my new (and very old) Dark Age fandom comm.(see icon).
Boar grease for lube!
I like Sherlock too, he's so mean.
Anna S.eliade on December 22nd, 2010 04:25 pm (UTC)
Boar grease for lube!

Oh, Trepkos, I missed you. :) What fandom is that anyway?
(no subject) - eliade on December 22nd, 2010 04:32 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - trepkos on December 22nd, 2010 04:37 pm (UTC) (Expand)
Pet: SH John and Sherlockapetslife on December 22nd, 2010 04:24 pm (UTC)
Absolutely delightful to see you, my dear! You were very much missed!

Lesley: Catparatti on December 22nd, 2010 04:27 pm (UTC)
*Waves*
Anna S.eliade on December 22nd, 2010 04:31 pm (UTC)
Your icon is uncannily apt in depicting the evil cat antics that take place at my bedside. :)

*waves back*
Nia: bloompopfantastic on December 22nd, 2010 04:41 pm (UTC)
No need to reply, but I'm very happy to "see" you, and I hope the writing around (or through) is of some help.
Anna S.eliade on December 23rd, 2010 02:25 am (UTC)
It's good to see you too! :) Writing--posting, I mean--is already going better than I hoped.

Your icon is beautiful--I hope you've been well. (Unconnected thoughts. :)