?

Log in

No account? Create an account
 
 
15 November 2005 @ 09:16 pm
because that's what LJ is for...  
The other day I suggested that John Sheppard might know dirty limericks, and later I thought, "I wonder if I still have that collection of dirty limericks that I bought for a dollar? OH MY GOD, WHAT IF I DON'T?!" But thankfully I found it. What was I thinking? As if I'd toss a dirty book. A seriously SERIOUSLY dirty book. You're warned.



There was a young lady from Kew
Who filled her vagina with glue.
She said with a grin,
"If they pay to get in,
They'll pay to get out of it too."

An elderly pervert in Nice
Who was long past wanting a piece
Would jack-off his hogs,
His cows and his dogs,
Till his parrot called in the police.

A preposterous King of Siam
Said, "For women I don't care a damn.
But a fat-bottomed boy
Is my pride and joy--
They call me a bugger: I am!"

An explorer returned from Australia,
Reported lost paraphernalia:
A Zeiss microscope
And his personal hope,
Which had vanished with his genitalia.

There was a young man from Lynn
Whose cock was the size of a pin.
Said his girl with a laugh
As she fondled his staff,
"This won't be much of a sin."

A socialite out on Nantucket.
Had a twat that was wide as a bucket.
She proclaimed, "If it's clean
I will take it between--
If it's rotten I'd far better suck it."

There was a young fellow named Taylor
Who seduced a respectable sailor.
When they put him in jail
He worked out the bail
By sucking the cock of the jailer.

No one can tell about Myrtle
Whether she's sterile or fertile.
If anyone tries
To tickle her thighs
She closes them tight like a turtle.

There was a young lady in Reno
Who lost all her dough playing keeno.
But she lay on her back
And opened her crack,
And now she owns the casino.


Well, okay then. Actually I left out the really dirty ones, with the necrophilia and incest and rape, along with quite a lot of silly ones that stretch the form to its breaking point and were probably written by nineteenth-century vicars. The language is often quaint; it's an older book, and very British. There are probably more contemporary ones that soldiers would know. If anyone knows limericks now. Do they? Or is it all dirty jokes and cadences? And cadences may not even be all that dirty these days.

You know, I wish I could get back into the writing groove. Because if my only alternatives continue to be juvenile humor, FreeCell, and the SciFi channel I'm going to lose it.
 
 
 
Poshykittyposhcat on November 16th, 2005 05:25 am (UTC)
There was a young man from Lynn
Whose cock was the size of a pin.
Said his girl with a laugh
As she fondled his staff,
"This won't be much of a sin."

Bwahahaha! These are great. You must have had a grand old time reading through them all.

>>Actually I left out the really dirty ones, with the necrophilia and incest and rape,

o_0

Okay, at least tell me what the necrophilia one was.
(Deleted comment)
(no subject) - eliade on November 16th, 2005 05:36 am (UTC) (Expand)
(Deleted comment)
(no subject) - eliade on November 16th, 2005 05:59 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - poshcat on November 16th, 2005 04:15 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - eliade on November 16th, 2005 05:35 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - ellen_fremedon on November 16th, 2005 06:26 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - eliade on November 16th, 2005 07:19 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - ellen_fremedon on November 16th, 2005 06:20 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - some_stars on November 16th, 2005 06:33 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - eliade on November 16th, 2005 07:19 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - poshcat on November 16th, 2005 04:19 pm (UTC) (Expand)
HOT NEW ORC FORTRESSunlovablehands on November 16th, 2005 05:40 am (UTC)
I don't know about military folk, but my parents and their friends were at the Elks Lodge or something, drinkin' and there were, you know, impromptu, informal limerick contests, and they were all either improvved or nontraditional ones. A lot of people made them up about other people in the room, etc. I don't think dirtiness was essential in the contest, but a lot of them were, apparently. I wasn't present, so...
Anna S.: john-sultryeliade on November 16th, 2005 05:57 am (UTC)
I don't think dirtiness was essential in the contest, but a lot of them were, apparently. I wasn't present, so...

This is why God made camcorders! Just tell them to remember that next time. *g*
julia_herejulia_here on November 16th, 2005 05:42 am (UTC)
Giggling, but not making much with the words.

Julia, they come and go, lately
Anna S.: taraeliade on November 16th, 2005 05:56 am (UTC)
I made you giggle! I am pleased. :)

Julia, they come and go, lately

For some reason that makes me think of "In the room the women come and go / Talking of Michaelangelo." Apparently it's a night for poetry. *hugs*
Mal: ash laughter (by medelle)malnpudl on November 16th, 2005 05:49 am (UTC)
I have that book; it's been a treasured possession for years. Decades, maybe. *g*

There once was a fellow named Block
Who was born with a two-headed cock
When he fondled the thing
It would stand up and sing
The antiphonal chorus by Bach

There was a young lady from Natchez
Who chanced to be born with two snatches
She often said "Shit,
I would give either tit
For a man with equipment that matches."

Now whether these two ever met
Has not been reported as yet
But it would be diverting
To see him inserting
His cock as it played a duet
Anna S.: cat_chickeneliade on November 16th, 2005 05:54 am (UTC)
Yes! "The antiphonal chorus by Bach." Dude. There are no words. That kind of combination of erudition and obscenity is a hoot. There clearly was life before the Internet.
(Deleted comment)
Anna S.: jack-blackeliade on November 16th, 2005 07:23 am (UTC)
:) It's "Dirtier Little Limericks" and it doesn't credit an editor--it's just branded with Avenel Books, 1981. The prequel is "Dirty Little Limericks" of course. *g* And you know, I forgot to mention--not that this relates--that the book was a gift to the previous owner, because there's an inscription:

"There was a druggist named Ray
Who on your birthday was heard to say,
That he wished you much luck,
and bunches of fuck,
and that always our friendship dear would slay.

Ron -- 10/2/82"

Actually I'm not sure "slay" is the last word; it's hard to make out, and that's my best guess. But it's a beautiful thought, isn't it?
(no subject) - kymess_jr on November 16th, 2005 09:59 pm (UTC) (Expand)
silk_knickers: AliasVaughnDrunkPostsilk_knickers on November 16th, 2005 07:27 am (UTC)
There once was a vampire named Mabel
Whose cycles were remarkably stable
Each month, by the moon
She'd take out a spoon
And drink herself under the table.
Anna S.: james-marsterseliade on November 16th, 2005 07:32 am (UTC)
Oh man. That's awesome. And Spike would totally know that one. And Angel would have told it to him. *g*
(Deleted comment)
Anna S.: rateliade on November 16th, 2005 05:53 pm (UTC)
Is it a sign I've been forever tainted by fandom that I think this could totally be written as a cracktastic AU?

Well, *I* went to the QAF place. I'm surprised more people haven't. *g*
(Deleted comment)
witlingwitling on November 16th, 2005 02:48 pm (UTC)
Ahem.

When Titian was grinding rose madder,
His model was posed on a ladder.
She was in a position
Suggesting coition
So he climbed up the ladder and had her.


Thank you very much.
Anna S.: pulp-friction-queereliade on November 16th, 2005 05:52 pm (UTC)
*grin* You used "coition." You are a classicist.
Sarapanisdead on November 16th, 2005 03:24 pm (UTC)
OH MY GOD I WANT THAT STORY. It would totally end up as a--a--what's that type of contest called with the rapping and the really eloquent put-downs? Like, a verbal smackdown with John (pissed out of his mind) and Teyla (almost completely sober) trying to one-up each other for pure, unadulterated filth while Ronon and Rodney stare in amazement and the chief nods along beatifically.
Anna S.: rodney-turtleeliade on November 16th, 2005 05:52 pm (UTC)
It would totally end up as a--a--what's that type of contest called with the rapping and the really eloquent put-downs?

As a traditional thing I think it's called "the dozens." There's a wikipedia article on it. :)

After your comment this morning I tried to imagine John and Rodney sparring with dirty limerick put-downs...

John looked across the fire at Rodney and smiled.

"There once was a doctor named Rodney
Who thought when he fucked he was godly.
But when he was well-screwed
He became very rude,
And started to act up quite oddly."

Teyla and Ronon laughed. Rodney's eyes narrowed and then he lifted his chin.

"There once was a major named Sheppard--"

("Colonel!")

"Who thought he was hung like a leopard.
But it was just the spots
From syphilitic twats
That..."

He broke off suddenly as if paused by a VCR and stared blankly into space.

"Warranted the comparison?" suggested Teyla.

"You've dug a hole for yourself," John said with satisfaction.

"Shut up!" Rodney glared daggers at them, then recovered and drew himself up again with a look of triumph:

"That made him a cat that was peppered."

John stared, mouth slack. "That's *terrible*."

With an offended expression, Rodney huffed slightly. "It's your fault for having a stupid name."
(Deleted comment)
(no subject) - eliade on November 16th, 2005 06:09 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(Deleted comment)
collinwoodcollinwood on November 16th, 2005 06:32 pm (UTC)
As an icebreaker, one of my college profs had every student write down a limerick, which he then read aloud to the class. My contribution was the *only* dirty one. I didn't even know there were that many clean limericks.

There was a young man from Kent
Whose prick in the middle was bent
To save himself trouble
He put it in double
And when he was coming, he went
Anna S.: cat_chickeneliade on November 16th, 2005 07:19 pm (UTC)
That's great. And...it evokes a disturbingly vivid visual.
(no subject) - collinwood on November 16th, 2005 07:28 pm (UTC) (Expand)