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01 November 2005 @ 02:52 pm
tuesday and raining in seattle  


I went to AA for the first time in months this afternoon. The group facilitator--D., a young guy who reminds me of one of my first crushes, but also a bit of my little brother--told a story about something that had happened to him over the past few days. One of his girlfriend's exes showed up, someone he couldn't stand. D. built up a head of steam about it; a mutual friend made some remark about it and D. was so enraged he got in his face and wanted to hit him. And then the ex called him up, to actually speak to D., who at first couldn't believe his nerve; and then the guy told him that he'd overdosed the week before, and was getting treatment now. And D. said that he felt all his rage suddenly evaporate and he felt so incredibly happy for the guy. And he was telling us this in the meeting and his voice kept locking up, and he'd fall silent for several moments until he could control himself, and he was trying so hard not to cry--his voice kept breaking. He said he was so incredibly grateful that he'd reached a point where he could feel this, and not be consumed and boxed in by resentment and rage. What he was saying got me crying and I had a hard time stifling it so that I wouldn't distract from what he was saying. I'd probably have said more than I did in the meeting, but I was afraid I'd start crying again, so I only said a few words at the end. But I have a lot to talk about, so maybe next week.

It was good to get to a meeting. I've had it blocked out on my Outlook calendar at work as a recurring weekly thing, but every week I've been deleting it. I've been meaning to go, but usually I'd feel like I couldn't let myself leave the office--guilt--while at the same time taking long lunches and otherwise wasting time. Other times I just didn't want to go. I still haven't found a sponsor or really adopted the program. I guess if I procrastinate in everything else in my life, it's not surprising I'd do the same with this. I need to ________. I need to _________. I need to x, y, z.


I also wanted to say important things about my breakfast this morning, but maybe another time.

There's that "Ask me what happens after the end of one of my stories" meme going around. thisisbone did this one and wrote, I'll see if anything pops to mind, and I'll try not to just have it be "...and they lived happily ever after." I told her that's why I couldn't do the meme, because: All my stories end in: "Then they made sweet, sweet love and bought a house and got a cat and lived happily ever after." Plus half of you would probably ask about noir, and I'd wince and pull my cloak across my face and duck into the nearest sewer tunnel, returning to the shameful depths from whence I came.

But I don't know. I need something to distract me. Ask me about any story *but* noir, and I'll try to come up with some vague thoughts.
 
 
 
Roquelaureroquelaure on November 1st, 2005 10:59 pm (UTC)
Plus half of you would probably ask about noir, and I'd wince and pull my cloak across my face and duck into the nearest sewer tunnel, returning to the shameful depths from whence I came.

That's discouragement, hunh?

*g*
Anna S.: rodney-turtleeliade on November 1st, 2005 11:59 pm (UTC)
Heh. I almost think that people could get a very general sense of where it was going in terms of the shape of a season--they'd be eventually victorious over the Grauth, that's a given. The repercussions othewise, though--yeah, I have to say that in some cases I'm not even sure. I was still very much on the fence about what to do with Spike. It would never have gone to a slash (X/S) place as some people thought, though.

Now and then I think that I may go back and finish, but even saying that might give more hope to people than it should. On a scale of 1-10, my vague impulse to continue & complete it has for a while now hovered around a 2. Lack of energy, really. And fandom drift.
(no subject) - earthkitty on November 20th, 2005 09:11 am (UTC) (Expand)
sanguesangueuk on November 1st, 2005 11:01 pm (UTC)
:::delurkes to say::: good for you for making it to the meeting!
Anna S.: sunseteliade on November 2nd, 2005 12:00 am (UTC)
Thank you! *hugs* :)
"Smokin' hot.": boys mickeymwithout_me on November 1st, 2005 11:04 pm (UTC)
Good for you for taking care of yourself.

Also, heh. In a Dark Time? *ducks*
Anna S.: jack-bristow-darkeliade on November 1st, 2005 11:05 pm (UTC)
Hmm. I think I actually need to go back and remember where it leaves off. ;) Let me get back to you.
(no subject) - drc1 on November 1st, 2005 11:10 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - eliade on November 1st, 2005 11:56 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - drc1 on November 2nd, 2005 12:03 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - azephirin on November 2nd, 2005 04:05 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - without_me on November 1st, 2005 11:15 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - eliade on November 1st, 2005 11:55 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - drc1 on November 2nd, 2005 12:16 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - the_emef on November 2nd, 2005 03:31 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - eliade on November 2nd, 2005 04:33 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - eliade on November 2nd, 2005 04:35 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - drc1 on November 2nd, 2005 06:17 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - eliade on November 2nd, 2005 04:37 am (UTC) (Expand)
timian on November 1st, 2005 11:11 pm (UTC)
Oh wow, I've always been intensely curious about where you had planned to take The Woods series. If you have any thoughts on this, I'd love to know whatever happened to Jim and Blair.
Anna S.: kitteneliade on November 1st, 2005 11:28 pm (UTC)
You know, I think I actually may have story notes about that. Let me check on that when I get home. Then I'd be able to provide more detail. If I can't find them, I do remember in more general terms what I intended & will let you know. :)
(no subject) - cindershadow on November 2nd, 2005 12:09 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - eliade on November 2nd, 2005 04:09 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - (Anonymous) on November 2nd, 2005 05:07 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - cindershadow on November 2nd, 2005 05:08 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - eliade on November 2nd, 2005 04:26 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - eliade on November 2nd, 2005 04:27 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - eliade on November 2nd, 2005 04:08 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - timian on November 2nd, 2005 10:14 am (UTC) (Expand)
Trepkos: Loving Spike and Xander by Suki Bluetrepkos on November 1st, 2005 11:34 pm (UTC)
"Then they made sweet, sweet love and bought a house and got a cat and lived happily ever after."

There's a reason that one's a classic - don't ruin a beautiful dream!
Anna S.: jack-bristow-neweliade on November 2nd, 2005 12:00 am (UTC)
*grin* I know! Though in some scenarios I'm okay if they buy a dog instead of a cat. Or, you know, a nice loft instead of a house.
(no subject) - trepkos on November 2nd, 2005 12:08 am (UTC) (Expand)
(Deleted comment)
Anna S.: sydney-hair-blowneliade on November 2nd, 2005 04:25 am (UTC)
Am staring blankly at all these Ask Me What Happened Afterwards! memes; despite the fact that I often recall reading, cursing the fact it ended, and craving a continuation of the story, I don't really feel the need to respond now.

Yeah, I actually feel that way for the most part, which maybe makes it strange that I participated. Hmm.

Also: *hugs* :)
(no subject) - tesla321 on November 5th, 2005 10:26 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - eliade on November 5th, 2005 11:00 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - tesla321 on November 6th, 2005 03:38 am (UTC) (Expand)
Herself_nycherself_nyc on November 2nd, 2005 12:35 am (UTC)
The one where Spike and Xander have amnesia … do they ever recover? What happens? :)
Anna S.: nebulaeliade on November 2nd, 2005 12:41 am (UTC)
I never really thought about where that one would go. It seemed like such a coin-flip, a dice roll, that being kind of the story's theme (to the degree that it had a theme at all--I didn't actually have one while writing it ;), but...hmm. I guess I did imagine that Buffy & Willow & co would catch up to them eventually. From that, you'd have to expect that they'd get their memory back. I like to think of them giving the Scooby Gang a run for their money though--a spree in Vegas, a road trip across country, maybe Europe, and so on. (Actually back then I often had a vision of them in New Orleans during Mardi Gras. *sigh*) And when Spike gets his memory back, he'll have to realize that he has potential to be something other/more than what he was before. He'd probably fume and rail against this--his softness, his poofness, etc--but would come around eventually to Xander in his besotted way. :)
(no subject) - herself_nyc on November 2nd, 2005 12:44 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - eliade on November 2nd, 2005 12:45 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - herself_nyc on November 2nd, 2005 01:00 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - eliade on November 2nd, 2005 01:26 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - herself_nyc on November 2nd, 2005 01:28 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - eliade on November 2nd, 2005 04:23 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - drc1 on November 2nd, 2005 06:14 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - herself_nyc on November 2nd, 2005 05:41 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - drc1 on November 2nd, 2005 05:45 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - raveninthewind on November 3rd, 2005 06:24 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - herself_nyc on November 2nd, 2005 02:49 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - eliade on November 2nd, 2005 05:35 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - herself_nyc on November 2nd, 2005 05:39 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - ex_dovil323 on November 2nd, 2005 01:24 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - eliade on November 2nd, 2005 01:28 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - ex_dovil323 on November 2nd, 2005 01:40 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - eliade on November 2nd, 2005 01:40 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - ex_dovil323 on November 2nd, 2005 01:48 am (UTC) (Expand)
Anna S.: dh-beautyeliade on November 2nd, 2005 04:35 am (UTC)
Other notes, continued.

2.

Abduction, entire DBarry plot. All the time while Scully is being abducted Krycek is quietly freaking about various things, deferring real panic. If we want romance, K must at some point fall hard for M, feeling the sharp ache of his betrayal, perhaps (perversely) even resenting Scully for causing all this. (Ha.--might work for why he later went to "kill" her.) M, at some point, cries rough and hard, and K comforts him, but he knows he's lost it, himself, etc. That's why he has that kinda dead, dull look when he meets with CSM later. He's resigned, then. Or perhaps knowing himself to be a crumb, but thinking he can still have Mulder, ease his pain...until--? Until he's set up as the fall guy? Hmm... Maybe then all he wants to do is get the hell away from Mulder, who is a lure to stupidity, recklessness, etc. Moment when he falls in love, or realizes he's deeper than he knew...M crying, desperate, grief-struck, curled into him, anguished as a child. All the expected emotions, though, would just make Alex harden. Alex is trained against pity, resigned to the need for betrayal... What gets him. What pushes him over? Mulder being brave? Mulder lost-looking, angry, wild with passion? The more passionate he is about Scully, the more Alex will see of him--and know how much feeling he's capable of: he had never shown Alex this face during pleasure, this wild, feral mask of protective instinct, etc. Alex hadn't been privy to such depths, just the decorative surface. Now he saw. He gets caught up in Mulder, pulled along as with a dark current of passion, life, etc. Feeling is opposed, figuratively, to intelligence, and we see the chasm between the two shores. For all Alex's knowledge and detachment he is drawn to the wildness, wants to tap in. He feels M is moving with a current away from him; Alex standing on a cliff watching him get whirled away--and of course, the man standing safely on the cliff wants to remain there, and yet the pull of the water is dark and strong and mesmerizing, and the journey the Other is taking always seems the more signficiant, potent, etc., raising longings, frustration, a sense of one's own position being not (higher moral ground, superior tactical position) but false security, an illusion. Victory is emptied of value. At one point he asks M if he is in love with Scully--M is rather aghast, distraught, disbelieving that Alex could ask such a question at such a time. Alex pushes him--he wants what he can't have, which is M's passion, so he goads M to it--this is after a long build up of seething feeling. The more he pushes, the more Mulder backs away, detaches, until he blows and they fight...? No rape...

LadyCatladycat777 on November 3rd, 2005 06:34 pm (UTC)
I thought I responded to this, dammit. *sigh*

*hugs and cuddles and loves you*

I'm glad you got to the meeting -- sometimes checking in is the hardest damned thing to do, and the most important because you don't need much. Just a little "yeah, that's what I'm doing" nudge.
Jack Pride: dS: anotherdayofknowing (spiffy_themes)jack_pride on November 9th, 2005 01:59 am (UTC)
Dude, you're at what? 7 months? *Without* a sponsor or regular meetings? Wow! Not to interrupt your self-berating for all the things you're not doing, but you're doing *great*. I mean, I'm watching my aunt go through something similar; I watch the kids three nights a week so that she can go to AA. Three nights a week. She's at six months and is just starting to go back to work a few days a week. This stuff is hard.

::hugs you tight::

Procrastination is not all bad. I've found plenty of times that procrastinating until a problem goes away is actually surprisingly effective, and translates to less work for me in the long run.