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26 October 2005 @ 08:38 pm
yeahhhh.  
You know, sometimes I see a story posted that's all loopy! happy! schmoop! and off-the-cuff, and then the author's LJ mood says: "Cranky." Or, "Blank," or "Depressed." And sometimes I think huh but in fact that makes perfect sense when you think about it, and tonight's one of those nights that proves that. :P

But I'm not going to give plaintive little mewling cries tonight. I'm just going to huddle in my bathrobe and watch the worst possible TV I can find and think chocolate and popcorn thoughts. And it occurs to me that while I'm doing this, you could all be writing me comment fic scrabbles! About Girl!John and Femme!Rodney, and slavery and wacky misunderstandings! Not that I'm requesting it. I'm, let's say, *inviting* it. It's merely a suggestion, a strenuous suggestion made with a faint tremor of strain in my hoarse voice (*small sickly cough*), and a mad, pointed gleam in my haunted, shadowed eyes.

This could work, she thinks. Show them the kitten. Make them all stare at the kitten. See the kitten. Feel the guilt. Feel the compulsion. You are falling under the spell of the kitten....
 
 
 
(Deleted comment)
Anna S.: nebulaeliade on October 27th, 2005 04:57 am (UTC)
You. Are. Bad. But I adore you.

*squishy hug* (Ponders: What happens if I hug a black hole? Hmm.)
superheroes failing at oatmeal: kitten fried steaksome_stars on October 27th, 2005 04:25 am (UTC)
*pets your kitten most squooshily!!*

If I could write any of those things, I totally would! ...anything else that might please you? As I am procrastinating on a paper and would *love* to drabble. *g*
Anna S.: cat-adorableeliade on October 27th, 2005 04:48 am (UTC)
If I could write any of those things, I totally would! ...anything else that might please you?

Dude, you could *breathe in my direction* and it would please me. :D Anything. *kiss*
(no subject) - some_stars on October 27th, 2005 05:08 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - eliade on October 27th, 2005 05:14 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - some_stars on October 27th, 2005 05:14 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - some_stars on October 27th, 2005 05:15 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - eliade on October 27th, 2005 05:22 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - some_stars on October 27th, 2005 05:22 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - some_stars on October 27th, 2005 06:18 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - some_stars on October 27th, 2005 07:34 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - some_stars on October 27th, 2005 09:36 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - eliade on October 27th, 2005 09:44 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - some_stars on October 27th, 2005 09:45 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - eliade on October 27th, 2005 05:19 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - some_stars on October 27th, 2005 05:24 am (UTC) (Expand)
Jonathan Toews does not want a sandwich.: SGA I <3 the geekerysvmadelyn on October 27th, 2005 04:27 am (UTC)
Oh my God, I am powerless before the kitten.
Day One

“This isn’t happening,” John looked down for the sixth time in so many minutes.

“It has, it is, it’s *going on as we speak*,” Rodney tried enunciating really very slowly, in the hopes it would permeate this time around.

“John, maybe you should rest in your quarters for a little bit,” Elizabeth suggested, adding, “And Carson will contact you as soon as he has some answers for you.”

“But—but I’m a *girl*,” John said, and to his horror, it came out in a high-pitched squeak.

“I know, we know,” Elizabeth said gently, her hand on the small of his back, slowly leading him through the door.

“I can’t go outside like this!” John hissed.

“Oh, for God’s--” Rodney sighed. He opened up the door and walked out to the stand just outside the control center. He stuck his fingers between his lips and let out a piercing whistle.

“I’ll kill you! I’ll kill you!” John said, trying to pull away from Elizabeth’s grip on his arm.

Rodney completely ignored him and addressed everyone, now staring up at him from their positions. “Okay, everyone, something weird happened to Colonel Sheppard on Mevigian. He’s now a girl. It’ll get reversed, but if any of you traumatize him and hit on him like this, you won’t have hot water for two months. Are we all clear?”

Everyone nodded, and shifted around uneasily—and then milled and went right back to work. John blinked. “I thought there would’ve been more of a reaction than that.”

“This is Atlantis,” Elizabeth and Rodney sighed.

“But—but I’m a *girl*,” John protested, pointing—down. At—at them.

“And what a girl you are,” Rodney said pleasantly. “Now, let’s get you to your quarters, before Cadman gets wind of this and decides to paint your nails or something.”

John let himself be steered out at this.

Day Eight

“I’m not wearing a skirt,” John said darkly. He missed his voice. It was so much easier to sound pissed off.

Cadman frowned. “Look, all my pants are in the laundry, and I don’t think there’s anyone around with your size.”

“Someone has to have a belt!”

She pursed her lips. “If you’re worried you don’t have the legs for it, don’t be.”

John held out the skirt like it was going to turn into a Wraith before his very eyes. Cadman looked at him, sighed, and turned her back. “You happy now?”

“No,” John whispered, and tugged on the skirt. He stopped in front of the mirror and froze up.

“See, you look great!”

“I’m not going out like this,” John started.

“Colonel Sheppard, please report to the control room,” Colonel Caldwell said over the headpiece.

“Kinda sounds like you are,” Cadman grinned.

John couldn’t quite make himself go out the door, but Cadman solved that problem by shoving him out with two hard pushes.

John set his shoulders and gave himself a little pep talk on the way. It’s okay. Skirts are perfectly normal things to wear. Lots of women wear them. You like women who wear them. These thoughts calmed all the way to the control room, but just as the doors opened of course, You have the legs for this, started replaying in his head, and he got self-conscious and tripped a little on the way in.

Rodney looked up, reached for his coffee, hand paused mid-air, like he was having a delayed reaction in realizing that what he was seeing was actually happening.

John coughed a little, straightening. “Sir,” he greeted Colonel Caldwell.
Jonathan Toews does not want a sandwich.svmadelyn on October 27th, 2005 04:28 am (UTC)
Re: Oh my God, I am powerless before the kitten.
To his credit, Caldwell didn’t even miss a beat. “We’d like you to run through the defense parameters on the Alpha Site with Major Lorne and Dr. McKay. When you’re—yourself again, we’re going to have some training sessions there.”

John nodded happily. God, anything to get everyone’s minds off the skirt.

***

“Are you wearing nail polish?” Rodney asked, noticing three hours later.

John felt himself flush. “Someone did it while I was asleep,” he muttered.

“And it’s still on because--” Rodney prompted.

“Because no one will lend me *nail polish remover*,” John told him, his jaw clenching. Lorne hiccupped, and covered the noise by shuffling some papers.

“Well, if that’s all, sir, I’ll be on my way.”

John nodded, slinking into his seat.

“It doesn’t chip off, you know,” he said defensively. “You’d think it would, but they must’ve put a lot of coats on or something.”

“Well. I have a few minutes. We can find—something,” Rodney told him, still staring at his hands.

“Really?”

Rodney looked at him, mouth a little loose with his light smile. “Sure.”

This may or may not continue. We shall see. *eyes it*
Re: Oh my God, I am powerless before the kitten. - svmadelyn on October 27th, 2005 04:50 am (UTC) (Expand)
Re: Oh my God, I am powerless before the kitten. - eliade on October 27th, 2005 04:56 am (UTC) (Expand)
I don' t know either. - svmadelyn on October 27th, 2005 05:11 am (UTC) (Expand)
Re: I don' t know either. - eliade on October 27th, 2005 05:16 am (UTC) (Expand)
Re: I don' t know either. - svmadelyn on October 27th, 2005 06:47 am (UTC) (Expand)
Re: I don' t know either. - astolat on October 27th, 2005 10:25 pm (UTC) (Expand)
Re: I don' t know either. - svmadelyn on October 28th, 2005 02:20 pm (UTC) (Expand)
Re: I don' t know either. - svmadelyn on October 27th, 2005 05:32 am (UTC) (Expand)
(Deleted comment)
Re: I don' t know either. - thisisbone on October 27th, 2005 07:05 pm (UTC) (Expand)
Re: I don' t know either. - eliade on October 27th, 2005 07:53 pm (UTC) (Expand)
Re: I don' t know either. - thisisbone on October 28th, 2005 12:09 am (UTC) (Expand)
Re: I don' t know either. - some_stars on October 27th, 2005 09:47 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(Deleted comment)
Re: I don' t know either. - svmadelyn on October 28th, 2005 02:21 pm (UTC) (Expand)
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Re: I don' t know either. - thisisbone on October 27th, 2005 07:04 pm (UTC) (Expand)
Re: I don' t know either. - svmadelyn on October 28th, 2005 02:23 pm (UTC) (Expand)
Re: I don' t know either. - thisisbone on October 28th, 2005 03:08 pm (UTC) (Expand)
Re: I don' t know either. - svmadelyn on October 28th, 2005 03:14 pm (UTC) (Expand)
Re: Oh my God, I am powerless before the kitten. - eliade on October 27th, 2005 04:53 am (UTC) (Expand)
(Deleted comment)
Sara: moment of zenpanisdead on October 27th, 2005 04:33 am (UTC)
Can I pastiche you?
The fog of steam on the bathroom mirror played hide and seek with John's reflection, his movements casually disgorging the arch of an eyebrow, the curve of an ear, the sharp slope of his nose. The shadows under his cheekbones made dark smudges in his reflection. John thought this must be how eating disorders developed.

He stared moodily down at the unfamiliar slope of his bent knee, at his foot resting on the bathroom counter. The soft, pale curves of his thighs, an erotic wonderland the first night, had ceased to fascinate him shortly after he realized the sheer amount of upkeep involved.

"I have five o'clock shadow. On my ankles." He hitched the cord of his shell-pink terry wrap tighter and sighed into his bosom.

Elizabeth patted his deceptively fragile shoulder in sympathy and rinsed off the razor. "You'll get used to it. And if not, well, we can explore other options."

Rodney rose up so quickly from his seat on the closed toilet that the breeze swirled the downy hair on John's calves. "I'll get the hot wax."
Anna S.: daniel-stunningeliade on October 27th, 2005 04:58 am (UTC)
Re: Can I pastiche you?
He stared moodily down at the unfamiliar slope of his bent knee, at his foot resting on the bathroom counter. The soft, pale curves of his thighs, an erotic wonderland the first night, had ceased to fascinate him shortly after he realized the sheer amount of upkeep involved.

Yes! Truth finally dawns on Man.

"I have five o'clock shadow. On my ankles."

That's awesome. *g*
Re: Can I pastiche you? - panisdead on October 27th, 2005 09:31 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(Deleted comment)
Re: Can I pastiche you? - panisdead on October 27th, 2005 09:31 pm (UTC) (Expand)
Very inconvenient, as now I have no shaving-glass: Rodney & cat by ironcladotterdzurlady on October 27th, 2005 04:34 am (UTC)
Hmm. Kitten. That reminds me of this fic that I was trying to write awhile ago but somehow ended up with too many 'handwavy' bits in the plot to work. Still, I did write some of it, and I liked it, so I might as well share it with you.

'Oh come on, Carson, it's not like I'm asking you to cure cancer or something. Just get the needle, one jab and I'll leave you alone.'
'Rodney, I'm sorry, but I can't help you.'
'Can't, or won't?'
'Can't! Rodney, it's a cat.'
'It's not! That, my friend, is 50 bags of almost-coffee!' 50 bags of almost-coffee yawned, and began to wash herself.
'It's a cat. I'm a doctor. A human doctor. I know that at times this place can seem like a zoo, but I'm not a vet.'
'I'm not asking you to worm her, I just want you to give her the ATA gene.'
Carson looked confused. 'What on Earth for?'
'So she can open the doors herself, of course,' Rodney said with satisfaction.
'You mean to tell me you want me to give your cat-'
'-almost-coffee.'
'-cat gene therapy because you can't be arsed to think a door open?'
Rodney looked affronted. 'She keeps interrupting my work. My work is important. How am I meant to get anything done when every fifteen minutes I have a cat in my face, wanting to be let out? And then, fifteen minutes after that, I'm besieged by plaintive mews from the other side of the door because she wants to come back in again, and if I don't stop what I'm doing straight away she sulks, and goes off to hide somewhere. It took me two hours to find her this morning! If it hadn't been for her deep and abiding fascination with Major Sheppard's hair, I'd still be looking for her, and then what would our new trading partners think?'
Anna S.: cat-adorableeliade on October 27th, 2005 04:59 am (UTC)
'It's not! That, my friend, is 50 bags of almost-coffee!' 50 bags of almost-coffee yawned, and began to wash herself.

Ha. Great sentence. *grin*

'I'm not asking you to worm her, I just want you to give her the ATA gene.'
Carson looked confused. 'What on Earth for?' ... 'So she can open the doors herself, of course,' Rodney said with satisfaction.


Dude. You should totally write that. Also, I am watching Almost Coffee tilt her head and bat at John's hair.
rache: john pretty in purple by chellewickedwords on October 27th, 2005 04:40 am (UTC)
Honestly, this has been on my hard drive for weeks
Carson's gene therapy worked against the Iratus bug virus, and John was no longer a blue-skinned wonder. However, there had been a slight miscalculation, one teeny tiny problem with the DNA sequence that meant that instead of an XY chromosomes, John was now XX.

Carson decided his best bet was to tell John right when he came out of the medically induced coma, when there was less of a chance of John breaking his nose. "I'm sorry. I don't know what happened. Technically, you're a girl now." He patted John's arm, but quickly withdrew his hand, in case John got violent.

"A girl?" John shook his head dazedly. "Doc, I've been on the good drugs. Say that again?"

"You're a girl, lad. Double-X chromosome." Carson shook his head sadly. "There's no mistake."

"No fucking way," John muttered, running his hands over his smallish sized breasts. He blinked. Did it again. Stopped at the nipples and pinched them, just to be sure. His head dropped back against the pillow and he stared up at the ceiling. "Oh, fucking hell."

"Fortunately, everything seems in working order."

"What about my--" John gestured at his lap.

"You really don't want to hear about it. Suffice to say, that while you're body was sloughing off the Iratus bug skin, it sloughed other things off as well." Carson folded his arms over his chest. "It was really quite fascinating. We kept samples of almost everything, in case we needed it for later study."

"Please don't tell me your keeping my dick in a jar somewhere, doc. That would be creepy."

"Oh, no. No jars. Dr. Brio had it frozen and placed it with the other tissue samples, like the wraith arm."

John closed his eyes tightly. "I did not need to hear that."

"The good news is, you'll be out of here in a few days, now that the worst of the transformation's complete. We just need a few days of observation to make sure nothing goes wrong."

"Don't you mean nothing else goes wrong?"

"Yes, well, I guess I best get to my rounds." He picked up the clipboard and smiled, like he had other patients to visit. "Ronon, Rodney and Teyla have been asking about you. Do you think you are up for visitors?"

John's laugh was high-pitched and shaky. "Not in a million years."
Anna S.: rateliade on October 27th, 2005 05:01 am (UTC)
Re: Honestly, this has been on my hard drive for weeks
You are *SO* *EVIL*! I am impressed.

But...on ice. *curls into wincing ball* Poor, poor frozen man flesh.
(Deleted comment)
astolatastolat on October 27th, 2005 10:32 pm (UTC)
Re: Honestly, this has been on my hard drive for weeks
Wow, that is *deeply* evil, not even because of the dick on ice as that you've found such a completely canonical way to do it to him. Because if the retrovirus can turn him from bug to human, obviously it *can* turn him into a girl. Rock.
Tonia Barone: Radek--Tehetoniabarone on November 2nd, 2005 06:30 am (UTC)
Re: Honestly, this has been on my hard drive for weeks
*ROTFLMAO* More! More!
mangstmangst on February 13th, 2007 04:22 pm (UTC)
Re: Honestly, this has been on my hard drive for weeks
I found Carson's "oops" attitude to be really funny (and a little disturbing). Poor John. :)
light of other daysiliadawry on October 27th, 2005 04:43 am (UTC)
I don't actually know which fandom John and Rodney are from.

On the other hand, "cranky" is one of my favorite moods. It is cute and childlike as well as being, you know, mean.
Very inconvenient, as now I have no shaving-glass: My fandom has penguins - merelyndzurlady on October 27th, 2005 04:49 am (UTC)
Stargate: Atlantis. Prepare to be assimilated. By crack.
(no subject) - iliadawry on October 27th, 2005 04:52 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - dzurlady on October 27th, 2005 05:06 am (UTC) (Expand)
Anna S.: rodney-turtleeliade on October 27th, 2005 05:02 am (UTC)
It is cute and childlike as well as being, you know, mean.

Cool. I've been trying not to have an identity crisis after renaming my journal, and that's some incentive to keep it. *g*
(no subject) - iliadawry on October 27th, 2005 05:05 am (UTC) (Expand)
yonmei on October 27th, 2005 07:58 am (UTC)
John locked the collar round Rodney's neck. Rodney was supposed to do it himself - they'd seen it on the tapes - but he was just standing there holding on to it with an absolutely petrified look on his face, and it was obvious they either call this mission off, or someone had to do it.

"Stop looking so worried," John said. "I'm the one who has to go through the Gate in drag." He hooked the end of the leash over his arm. "Come on."

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Anna S.: harry-pottereliade on October 29th, 2005 05:42 am (UTC)
Oh, I saw that. Yes, I did. *feral grin*

I think that was the hottest porn I think I've read in the last three... five... seven years. And okay there were dozens and dozens of other incredibly hot stories that I read during that time. But if you were checking off ticky boxes on some kind of kink scorecard, this just zooms to the top and then gives a blow-job for extra credit.