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12 October 2005 @ 04:48 pm
my pendulum swings to yak  

So I notice that I'm quiet, and quiet, and quiet, and then not so much. Below is randomness.

tiredness
There aren't enough words in the thesaurus for how tired I was yesterday. Beat, burnt, done in, drained, and flagging. Spent, stale, wasted, weary, and worn. By the time I went to bed last night I'd been up more or less two days straight. And when I woke up this morning, after twelve hours, I kept walking in circles and then stopping in place and trying to remember what I was going to do next. Ambien hangover. But I'm rewarded with semi-sanity today.

tingling
My body has been tingling for about a week now. I think the lack of exercise is causing me to pretzel up again, so that my nerves are going haywire. Yay. Gym is my goal today.

haunting
Poe's Haunted brings me back to the song itself, now forever imprinted with Seah and Margie's memorable Odyssey 5 vid. (And then the earth blew up. -- VVC, 2003. I wasn't even at the con.) I need to revisit that show. Maybe starting tonight. Which I can do courtesy of z_rayne, who is good to me even when I'm undeserving.

bleach pen
I bought a second one. Okay, it definitely works, even if you have to use it a few times. redthroatedloon was right. Success may also have something to do with the fact that I sat there, sleepless and crackers, with my nose an inch from the grout, and anal-retentively painted every stripe.

love debts
I owe a lot of love, but especially to sherrold, anaxila, cesperanza, kormantic, and ladycat777.

water torture
Tiny vexations ever since this morning. Accidentally bleached sweater. Phone cord reached maximum tangledness. Repainted one nail only to chip another. And every time today that I mean to hit "Open Doc" in Word I hit "New Doc" instead. *shakes tiny fist of rage and madness* But small reasons for sobbing are better than big ones.

not a grown-up
Monday, kormantic left me a sweet comment that implied I was a grown-up. Ha ha! She is funny. In fact, I buy pink gloves for winter instead of wearing last year's, eat french fries when I should eat broccoli, go through my mail late and find out that my traffic court hearing came and went a week ago, max out my credit card for the ninety-seventh time, and avoid paying bills I actually have the money for. I was really depressed when I opened the traffic court notification. I thought I'd been paying attention to my mail, but it was three weeks old. Where does the time go. It was Monday when I found the notice, and I thought: yes, maybe I accomplished six months of sobriety today but WHY CAN'T I READ MY MAIL? It makes me feel like a failure. I lose at life, etc etc. But it doesn't stack up--I mean, it's nothing compared to simply failing to notice that I'm living, you know? Is life really about bleach pens and pink gloves? I could die tomorrow and I haven't been paying attention to *existence*. Not sure how to address that. Road trip, maybe.
 
 
 
Laura Shapirolaurashapiro on October 13th, 2005 12:03 am (UTC)
Road Trip!
Come *here*. I will hug you and introduce you to San Francisco autumn, and you can see the crazies on Halloween and stuff. Pretty boys abound, and I have lots of DVDs, good chocolate, and a cuddlesome tail-less cat. My boyfriend's pretty cool, too.

I'm having a water torture day, too, and quite literally. Among other crazy-making events, my gym decided to have a fire drill *while I was in the shower*. Flashing lights, teeth-grinding sirens, barky loudspeaker announcements, the whole bit. I had shampoo in my hair at the time. Yay.
Kristinadesoto_hia873 on October 13th, 2005 12:46 am (UTC)
I could die tomorrow and I haven't been paying attention to *existence*. Not sure how to address that.

If you find out, do let me know. It's a puzzle.

Road trip sounds fun!
cindershadow on October 13th, 2005 01:22 am (UTC)
Fewer people are "grownups" than is commonly believed.

We all just have different versions of the missed traffic court notice. (I try to perk myself up when I find old unpaid bills by likening the discovery to doing urban archeology. Sometimes that works. Other times, I remind myself that, at least, I am not--yet--a serial killer. Low expectations, that's the key to feeling satisfied.)
Anaxila / Babbles: drwho rose squee by ellie79anaxila on October 13th, 2005 04:56 am (UTC)
Yay! I made the love list! That's just as good as love! Wheeee!
Princess Strokenhamfiveandfour on October 13th, 2005 06:14 am (UTC)
I haven't been paying attention to *existence*. Not sure how to address that. Road trip, maybe.

I've been craving some time at the beach - for me a trip to the ocean is one of the quickest ways to switch from hamster-on-a-wheel mode to aaaahhh-it's great to be human and here right now mode. I get the same feeling in other ways, but I think there must be something primeval about the human connection to water that still holds sway.

And I know what you mean about the mail thing; I have a habit of sorting that means the "less urgent" goes into a certain pile. Then the next thing I know I'm reading stuff that's two months old and mentioning events I would've liked to attend. It always kills me because it always feels like the stuff's been sitting there a week at the outside.
Dittostretfordditto on October 13th, 2005 09:13 pm (UTC)
You are very funny with the bleach. :D
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