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29 March 2004 @ 11:14 pm
more than a drabble, less than anything else  


"It has nothing to do with you," he'd said to Anya, and he'd been tired and hadn't even cared if she believed him or not. So tired that even a vengeance demon's clear brown eyes didn't scare him. Tired the way you got when you'd had the flu for three days or when living with your parents made you so desperate that you snuck out one night through your bedroom window at age twelve and hiked to the bus station and wound up in the police station at eleven p.m., because you'd been stupid enough to say good-bye to your best friend, who turned you in. Only now when you knew about vampires did it seem miraculous you'd lived, been dragged home, met the sunrise, gone to school, fought with Willow, who gave you stubborn eyes and pretended she was to blame when really, hadn't you stopped by her house on the way hoping that she'd turn you in? She was the wise one.

"It has nothing to do with you," he said, and he'd felt the ridiculousness of breaking up with a girl who'd once been a demon. He wasn't good enough for her, not *even* her.

He was afraid she might figure out the not-even part. She wasn't dumb, naïve, not at all the young high-school grad she posed as. She was born again, sort of. And like religious fanatics, the few he'd met to go by, she believed herself and the world to be a fixed and certain way. He had no clue what way. He'd accepted her little by little, in stages, as a girlish ex-demon willing to have fully naked sex with him and then as a kind of convenient girlfriend, then as just Anya. Background noise and then a person. A pushy and successful person. He was still anti-demon on principle, but she smelled nice, smiled pretty, and didn't drag her violent past into his life too often. He was wired to notice the things they had in common, a liking for sprinkles on donuts and the smell of fresh laundry. When she wondered aloud where dimes were minted and if you could visit and get samples he nodded and wondered too. She was easy to talk to.

She'd killed lots of men in lots of ways. No getting around that. And he'd lied when he said it had nothing to do with her. You didn't break up with an ex-demon without it having something to do with her. Some part of him huddling down in the basement of his thoughts was always like, "Whoa. Scary vengeance demon. What the hell am I doing?" A distant voice shouting up through the vent shafts of his mind, trying to get his attention. A call for help.

At the same time, he wasn't good enough even for her. He was confused.

"I'll get over you," she said with certainty. "I'll date older men. Possibly British." She paused and gave that a moment's thought. "Possibly Giles."

"Well, good," he said, glancing over at Giles, who'd frozen with a look of horror on his face. "Great. I'm sure you two kids will be very happy."

He hadn't meant to break up with her in the Magic Box in front of everyone, but she'd forced him to. She moved through the world with such authority, kicking over stones as if by accident to reveal all the squirmy truths hiding underneath. Worms, Roxanne. Worms.

"I've decided that Xander and I are getting married," she'd announced brightly to all of them, smack dab in the middle of the relationship crisis he hadn't yet found a way to tell her about. News to him.

As she put on a brave front it struck him how incredibly like Cordelia she was. He'd had a pattern going and no one had said anything. Bastards.

But the really stupid thing was, the pattern didn't end there. You date one insanely blunt and self-centered girl, move on to another one just like her who also happens to be ex-evil, then you hook up with an ex-evil fiend. There was a chain there, if you looked closely. If he hadn't dated Cordelia first, would he have dated Anya? And if he hadn't dated Anya, would he ever have given Disturbing Crypt Boy a second chance? It was like dominos. Or perhaps dominoes, with an 'e'.

During his relationship crisis he'd picked up a bad habit of kissing Spike. One thing might even have something to do with the other, if he was honest with himself, but he tried to avoid that. It was an embarrassing new thing and he hadn't told anyone yet. Spike knew though, and that was a problem. Not as if he'd macked on a dead sleeping beauty. Oh no. He'd chosen to make out with a highly conscious dead guy who shouldn't be--couldn't be--trusted with a secret.

When Spike heard about the break-up, he turned up at Xander's apartment with a certain look on his face. Smug, Xander was prepared for. Cocky as a quarterback who just won the championship on a scoring pass or whatever the hell quarterbacks did, knowing, smirky, the whole Spike palette, but Spike played dirty; when Xander opened his door, the vampire was half-turned away as if ready to scarper, hoof it, make a mad dash, flee, bolt, but the door opening settled the moment and he looked at Xander, took a breath as if he had a speech prepared, and--and nothing came out of his open mouth. A panicked look hit his eyes. It was fucking adorable.

"You," Xander said with certainty, "are fucking adorable."

Startled, Spike did nothing as Xander walked right up into him and took his mouth.

"There was this girl," Xander said a while later, when he'd managed to peel Spike out of his spiffy leather jacket and wrestle him to bed. "In junior high, Tammy Burris. All the guys said she was the school slut and she'd give you a blow-job if you--"

He lost his thought but it wasn't important. Spike was doing intimate things to him with a serious focus of effort. Xander held two handfuls of vampire curls like blond wood shavings and felt a muscle in his left butt-cheek crimp tightly enough to be painful as he tried not to come. He made himself hold back as long as he could, until he reached that amazing point when his body jerked control out of his hands, a car getting away from him, wheel spinning wild as he accelerated to a crashing orgasm, yesyesyes, over the guardrail, tipping in freefall, bang.

He didn't have a death wish, did he?

I came into a mouth with fangs, he thought, but as he drifted off he forgot why that was special.

Waking up, he felt Spike mashed against him, a dead victim thrown from the crash. He made the vampire wake up too and listen.

"I had this dream," he said. In his dopey state, he was sure that this was vital to explain. "I passed through a check-point and they made me show my license but it was expired. They made me take all these tests--it took forever. And when I got through I knew I couldn't return that way, because they'd catch me. And that was when I realized--"

Spike offered an inquiring crease of brow.

"--I was trapped on a peninsula of the Amish and there was no way back."

Spike stared at him, then rolled over in disgust and went back to sleep.

Well, it had seemed meaningful at the time.
 
 
rubywisp: spike/dru vagabonds by anniesj rubywisp on March 29th, 2004 11:27 pm (UTC)
You have a quiet, flowing, then not-flowing in the best way rhythm to your writing that I adore. I'm sure you're shocked to know this.

My favorite parts:

Some part of him huddling down in the basement of his thoughts was always like, "Whoa. Scary vengeance demon. What the hell am I doing?"

As she put on a brave front it struck him how incredibly like Cordelia she was. He'd had a pattern going and no one had said anything. Bastards.

It was like dominos. Or perhaps dominoes, with an 'e'.

During his relationship crisis he'd picked up a bad habit of kissing Spike. One thing might even have something to do with the other, if he was honest with himself, but he tried to avoid that.

I came into a mouth with fangs, he thought, but as he drifted off he forgot why that was special.


And the whole car crash death wish Spike as dead victim later theme.
*happy sigh*
ex_dovil323 on March 29th, 2004 11:34 pm (UTC)
I always wish the show had properly addressed Xander's supposed hypocrisy when it came to his relationship with a former demon. I suppose the overall relationship was pretty much sidelined except for comic relief.

Waking up, he felt Spike mashed against him, a dead victim thrown from the crash.

Everything you write is seriously brilliant.
Divya _divya_ on March 29th, 2004 11:54 pm (UTC)
I'd like to second this comment in its entirety.

If this story were a book, I'd read it. If this comment were a petition, I'd sign it. If I were a sentient human, I might not leave such weird comments.
your royal pie-ness entrenous88 on March 30th, 2004 03:47 am (UTC)
::snickers::
Divya _divya_ on March 30th, 2004 12:00 pm (UTC)
Mmm, Snickers™.
The Larch: half spike (dtissagirl) the_larch on March 29th, 2004 11:36 pm (UTC)
I am so glad that I didn't go to sleep yet. This was so funny and hot and beautiful all at the same time, and it made me super-happy. Thank you!
Carolyn Claire carolyn_claire on March 30th, 2004 12:09 am (UTC)
Spike-in-the-headlights, at his door. Wonderful.

This came at a good time. :)
Minim Calibre minim_calibre on March 30th, 2004 12:27 am (UTC)
You are so scary-wonderful. You do know that, right?
Shapinglight shapinglight on March 30th, 2004 12:54 am (UTC)
Every single word you write is perfect. You do know that, right?
jessa sue: james has chiseled cheekbones callsigns on March 30th, 2004 03:23 am (UTC)
*happy sigh*

No one Spanders like you. May I just hug your Spander, please?
willshenilshe on March 30th, 2004 03:24 am (UTC)
So wonderful. I adore your writing style.
stumble stumbelina on March 30th, 2004 03:26 am (UTC)
I am currently incapable of intelligent commenting, but want tell you that that was a beautiful little nugget of a story.
your royal pie-ness: xander grin (ppp) entrenous88 on March 30th, 2004 03:52 am (UTC)
Great piece. Giles' alarm was a nice touch. I especially liked that even with his possession of the "fucking adorable" Spike and new opportunities to court and skirt death that Xander is so fond of, he'll still probably miss Anya's genial responses to his inane comments.
The artist soon to be known as happydork foreverdirt on March 30th, 2004 04:02 am (UTC)
I adored this.
lilithn lilithn on March 30th, 2004 04:38 am (UTC)
First of all it was very funny. The horror on Giles 's face pretty funny. Paniced look on Spike's face in the door adorably funny. Xander's face on the other side, pricelessly funny. The disgust on Spike's face in the morning after Xan told the dream "we know very well that face" funny.
My face when I realized there is no next part to the story, not so funny.
And it was hot and wonderful and I join to the other kind commenters, death wish-orgasm-car crash image: you should be paid to write.
Explicit Adult Content? You're soaking in it!: my OTP yin_again on March 30th, 2004 05:22 am (UTC)
the vampire was half-turned away as if ready to scarper, hoof it, make a mad dash, flee, bolt, but the door opening settled the moment and he looked at Xander, took a breath as if he had a speech prepared, and--and nothing came out of his open mouth.

I can see this expression, and it totally breaks my heart. I love the way you take 20 or 30 perfectly normal words and string them together in such a way that I have no choice but to see what you see and feel what you feel. It's astonishing and perfect.
for you I'd bleed myself dry: bonibaru spuffy boniblithe on March 30th, 2004 06:24 am (UTC)
I don't think there's anything that you've ever written that hasn't made me sit back and say yes, just like that, exactly as you say.
lovessong lovessong on March 30th, 2004 06:30 am (UTC)
I, like everyone else, love this. Except I have nothing smart to say about it. *love love love* You make language do such beautiful & amazing things.
Essene: spike xander tri-animated essene on March 30th, 2004 07:07 am (UTC)
Drabble on through any time you like.

::happy sigh::
flaming muse flaming_muse on March 30th, 2004 07:14 am (UTC)
God, I love how you write. I love the way you use words and the images you create with them. I love what you describe and what you don't.
I love the insights into the characters, like the things Xander and Anya talked about and Xander's dream, and all of the things that amuse me, like Giles looking horrified and Spike's "fucking adorable" panic.

*curls up happily in your mind*
The Spike spike21 on March 30th, 2004 07:18 am (UTC)
I quite loved this and I don't even know why. It just seems right somehow.
saussy: Golden Boy (ficbitch.com) 7spoons on March 30th, 2004 07:57 am (UTC)
"You," Xander said with certainty, "are fucking adorable."

You make me ridiculously happy.
Estepheia: Behind Blue Eyes estepheia on March 30th, 2004 08:31 am (UTC)
*sigh*
Herself_nyc: Punk Spike animation by heather13 herself_nyc on March 30th, 2004 08:32 am (UTC)
When Spike heard about the break-up, he turned up at Xander's apartment with a certain look on his face. Smug, Xander was prepared for. Cocky as a quarterback who just won the championship on a scoring pass or whatever the hell quarterbacks did, knowing, smirky, the whole Spike palette, but Spike played dirty; when Xander opened his door, the vampire was half-turned away as if ready to scarper, hoof it, make a mad dash, flee, bolt, but the door opening settled the moment and he looked at Xander, took a breath as if he had a speech prepared, and--and nothing came out of his open mouth. A panicked look hit his eyes. It was fucking adorable.

"You," Xander said with certainty, "are fucking adorable."

Startled, Spike did nothing as Xander walked right up into him and took his mouth.


This is just one reason I love this, and you, and how you think and how you write.

I see that I got here after all the other people who no longer read you and aren't interested, so I'll just take my place among them.
Pam goosegirl9 on March 30th, 2004 08:38 am (UTC)
"and he looked at Xander, took a breath as if he had a speech prepared, and--and nothing came out of his open mouth. A panicked look hit his eyes. It was fucking adorable.

"You," Xander said with certainty, "are fucking adorable."

Startled, Spike did nothing as Xander walked right up into him and took his mouth."

Mercy. That was beautiful, hot, and extremely romantic. You are the most amazing writer.

kri krichira on March 30th, 2004 09:01 am (UTC)
Just dropped by and wanted to say: I wonder how I managed to miss coming here all these months...because it makes me horrified that I haven't been here reading your works instead!
Love it entirely. ^_^
tigs: Xander tigs on March 30th, 2004 09:42 am (UTC)
Wonderful. Beautiful. I've been starting to crave new S/X recently, and reading this just inflamed that want even more.
Spamster: s/x by <lj user=" title="Spamster: s/x by " /> cashewdani on March 30th, 2004 09:43 am (UTC)
That was just wonderful. I liked.
witling witling on March 30th, 2004 10:37 am (UTC)
Lovity love love love.
(Anonymous) on March 30th, 2004 10:51 am (UTC)
That was totally fucking awesome. YEAH!
ruthless1 ruthless1 on March 30th, 2004 02:49 pm (UTC)
I am doin' the "happy spander dance" right now in my office. It's similar to Xander's snoopy dance but not nearly as sexy as NB when he does it.
yahooey...
more spander please....
:: holds up empty little bowl and looks imploringly at eliade with oliver twist type eyes ::
but really - thank you for this snippet....
Mintwitch mintwitch on March 30th, 2004 03:03 pm (UTC)
It's no secret that you are my favorite fanfiction writer of all time, that I reread your stories, all of them, every time the surplus of awkward prose and bizarre characterization in fic gets me depressed and cranky. New fic, well, that's like Christmas in, er, March apparently.

Did read the new Noir last night, btw. You are brilliant.
(Anonymous) on March 30th, 2004 03:11 pm (UTC)
More Spander is always a good thing
I don't have anything more to add than what was already said. Always a treat.

I also meant to add this to my previous post and forgot. It certainly isn't all people moving on. You may want to check out the results of the Shipper Donaton Days at Angel's food drive if you haven't already seen it:
http://www.angelsfooddrive.com/

C
(Anonymous) on March 30th, 2004 03:12 pm (UTC)
More Spander is always a good thing
I don't have anything more to add other than what was already said. Always a treat.

I also meant to add this to my previous post and forgot. It certainly isn't all people moving on. You may want to check out the results of the Shipper Donaton Days at Angel's food drive if you haven't already seen it:
http://www.angelsfooddrive.com/

C
Metal Dog5 metal_dog5 on March 30th, 2004 04:37 pm (UTC)
Love this! You do Spander so wonderfully well.

My favourite parts? I'm glad you asked! Everything between "It has nothing to do with you," and Well, it had seemed meaningful at the time.
Misty: xander's my boyfriend behindblue_eyes on March 31st, 2004 06:19 am (UTC)
I love you. This little not-quite-long-enough fic was great, with a perfect Xander voice.

Aww, Xander's a Roxanne fan! Awesome.
rusty_halo on March 31st, 2004 10:52 am (UTC)
Lovely. :)